Meg's Family Returns
by Malcolm Fox
Summary: After 4 long years, the Griffin and Murdock family finally return to the world of fanfiction. What wacky hijinks will they get into this time? Nikki returns and she wants Cody back. Also, another guest star appears... (cover image by LaceyHawk)
1. Prologue

**Prologue**

The scene opens in the Griffin living room where Peter was sorting through the mail.

"Junk... junk... A letter for Meg... which is junk..." said Peter as she tossed it aside.

Meg then runs downstairs upon hearing this.

"Wait, a letter for me?" she asked as she picks it up from the waste basket and promptly opens it.

"What's it say?" asked Zack as he and the rest of the family walk downstairs.

"It's from Malcolm Fox," said Meg excitedly as she reads the rest of the letter, "He's uncancelling our series!"

"Yes!" said Maddie as she fist pumped, "We're finally back in business!"

"This is great news," said Lois, "We finally have work again."

"This means we can finally stop doing internet porn to pay the bills," said Peter.

"Peter... we don't do internet porn," said Lois., "Why would you even do internet porn? You still work at the Brewery."

"Oh... heh heh yeah," chuckled Peter nervously, "Of course not. Especially not for Fat Oily DILFS dot com."

"Ugh... I'm gonna be right back," said Zack as he walked out of the room, "I gotta give my brain a cold shower. And by cold shower I mean bash my head in with a lead pipe until I can get rid of that image from my head."

"Save some for me," said Brian dryly.

"So, um, yeah," said Stewie, "Looks like we're back."

"So that's it?" asked Brian.

"Well yeah," said Stewie, "This is just the prologue. What were you expecting?"

"I dunno," said Brian, "I was expecting some sort of metaphoric scene with us digging a body representing the old fic and bringing it back to life like Frankenstein."

"The author considered that, but he thought it was a bit too cheesy," said Maddie.

"Yeah, but this feels kind of underwhelming," said Brian, "I mean, we've been gone for 4 years. Don't we deserve a bigger fanfare for our return?"

"Let's just be thankful Mr. Fox is bringing us back at all," said Maddie, "And at least he didn't pull the "it was all a dream" cop out."

"Yeah, I mean look how big you and Stewie have grown in 4 years," said Brian.

"In fact, a lot has happened in 4 years," said Lois, "Meg, you and Zack made your pizza shop into a franchise and had a new baby boy, Chris and Jillian are married, my father died and I now run Pewterschmidt industries, Tilly just finished college at 4 years old and cured cancer, and Brian is a critically acclaimed writer and has finally met the girl of his dreams."

"Imagine the new story possibilities with all these changes..." said Brian.

Then suddenly, Meg wakes up in bed next to Zack in the dead of the night.

"Zack, wake up," said Meg as she shook her husband.

"What's the matter?" asked Zack hazily.

"I just had the weirdest dream," said Meg, "I dreamt that we were in a fanfic that got cancelled and was then uncancelled 4 years later."

"4 years? That's crazy," said Zack, "Maddie's still 1 and we adopted Cody only a month ago."

"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!" shouted Brian angrily from Peter &amp; Lois' room.

**End Prologue**


	2. Multiverse Mayhem

The day began just as any other. The family was sitting in the living room watching TV all except Zack, Maddie, and Cody who were nowhere to be found for some reason.

"I just noticed something," said Peter.

"What's that, Peter,?" asked Lois.

"I noticed that we always begin our day just watching TV," said Peter, "Then we have one of our crazy wacky adventures."

"Peter, don't be absurd," said Lois.

"No, I'm serious," said Peter, "I'll bet any moment now, something interesting is going to happen."

Suddenly a green vortex opens up in the living room and out comes a mysterious cloaked figure wearing a skull mask.

"What did I tell ya?" gloated Peter as he turned his attention to the Skull faced person, "Anyway, who the hell are you?"

"I am the solution," said Skullface in a deep voice as he pulled out a gun and opens fire at Peter.

Everyone else screams in panic as Peter is filled with hot lead. After his body falls into a bloody heap, Skullface then turns around, grabs and hoists Meg onto his shoulders and takes her with him into the portal kicking and screaming.

"Oh my God! That monster just killed Peter and he's taken Meg! MY BABY!" shrieked Lois as she then fell to her knees and sobbed uncontrollably, while Chris and Brian consoled her.

That, however, is not the end of our story...

**Chapter 1: Multiverse Mayhem**

The preceding happened in an alternate universe. In the "real" universe, the family was sitting in the living room watching TV, except this time Maddie, and Cody were watching as well.

**Cutaway to TV**

"Cable prices are skyrocketing," said Tom Tucker, "We go live to Quahog Cable with Tricia Takanawa to find out why."

Tricia is standing in front of the Quahog Cable building with the CEO who was a brown haired white male in a suit.

"Tom, I'm standing here at Quahog Cable with the CEO of the company," said Tricia, "Sir, could you explain why cable prices are on the rise."

"Well, Tricia, profits and viewerships have gone down in the past few years," said the CEO, "So to make up for the carriage fees by the already overpaid corporations, we have to raise our prices in order for us to make some sort of profit."

"Wouldn't it make much more sense to lower your prices competitively?" asked Tricia Takanawa, "Perhaps offering an al a carte service so that people will get channels that they want instead of ones they don't need."

"We _could_ lower our prices," said the CEO, "But we don't really have to, because we're the only cable company in town and if they want to watch certain channels, they'll have to buy from us even if they have to get a bunch of crappy channels they'll never ever watch. But don't worry, we'll be offering discount bundle packages that will save them a good 50 cents for one year, because we do love our customers...'s money. But if they don't like our service, they can always go to a different cable company... by moving to another state."

"And what about cord cutters moving onto online services such as Hulu and Netflix?" asked Tricia.

"We plan on putting a cap on their bandwidth when using our internet service," said the CEO, "After using up 100 megabytes, each additional megabyte with cost them 10 dollars."

"I'm sure you meant gigabytes?" asked Tricia.

"No," said the CEO.

"And what about the threat of switching to satellite services?" asked Tricia.

The cable guy then laughed very smugly.

"Heavens no..." he finished, "Why do you think we really support going green? All those trees are making people our bitches."

"Well, this is Tricia Takanawa," she said, "Back to you, Tom."

Back to the news studio.

"What do you think of all this, Diane?" asked Tom who only heard silence in response, "Oh, I keep forgetting. Diane's dead."

"I'm right here, Tom," said Diane as the camera panned to her, "Will you stop telling people that I'm dead?"

"Well, you're dead to me," said Tom.

"They were just french fries, Tom," said Diane, "Let it go."

"They weren't YOURS," said Tom irritated.

"They might as well be since I'm always paying for them anyway..." muttered Diane.

**End Cutaway**

Zack then comes through the front door with a box.

"Good news, everyone," said Zack, "I've finally figured out a way to beat the cable companies."

"We're switching to satellite?" asked Meg.

"We can't. We have too many trees," said Zack, "Do you remember that town proposal to install a fiber optic internet television system in Quahog?"

"The same one that Councilman Sean passed before he was mysteriously assassinated?" asked Lois, "And the assassin was said to be a hired gun by the cable lobbyists, but the DA couldn't prove it because the cable companies paid him off?"

"The very same," said Zack, "I've signed us up to become beta testers and the equipment just came it."

"That's great, Zack," said Meg, "This could be a revolution!"

"I have a bad feeling about this," said Brian, "I still remember the last we beta tested something."

**Cutaway**

We cut to an exterior shot of the Griffin house... which suddenly explodes.

**End Cutaway **

"Seriously, the 3 Rings of death on the 360 was an improvement over what it was like before," chuckled Peter.

"I'm gonna get 911 ready just in case," said Brian as readied the phone.

"My goodness, there are so many wires to connect," said Lois as she examined the box, "Seems rather overcomplicated for something as simple as internet television."

"You're right," said Zack, "Everyone, grab a wire. This could take us a-"

"Done," said Meg as she finished connecting the wires to the TV.

"How did you set that up so fast?" asked Zack.

"Wires are a lot like veins," said Meg, "You know where everything's supposed to go after you've cut them enough times."

"I should probably put you in medical school," said Zack, "...And therapy."

"Now that everything's set up, let's give it a go," said Peter, "Zack, hand me the remote."

"Um...," said Zack as he looked in the box, "It's not in here."

"What?" asked Peter, "What do you mean it's not in here?"

"He mean it's not in the box," said Meg.

"What kind of stupid cable box doesn't have a remote control?" asked Peter.

"All the buttons are on the box itself," said Meg, "You can just change the channels manually."

"Meg, there are two things I won't do myself," said Peter, "Sex and changing the channel. I'm gonna go look for the universal remote."

Peter rummages all throughout the house until he reaches Stewie and Maddie's room. There, he spots a strange looking remote sitting on the kiddy table.

"Sweet," said Peter as he ran back downstairs, "Found it!"

"This is just so exciting," said Lois in glee, "Turn it on!"

Maddie then notices the remote that Peter is holding looks awfully familiar.

"Um, Stewie..." said Maddie as she nudged Stewie, "Isn't that the..."

Stewie then looked in horror at the remote Peter was holding.

"Fatman, wait!" shouted Stewie, "That's not the-"

But it was too late. Peter pressed a button on the remote and in a bright flash, everyone in the room disappeared. The family finds themselves being thrown in a bright vortex with windows viewing other dimensions.

"Aw, sweet," said Peter, "We got 3D picture in picture."

**80s Universe**

In another bright flash, the Griffins and Murdocks find themselves in a strange but familiar street. It looked a bit like Quahog but things were different. Most of the women had big hair and some were wearing leotards with leg warmers. Some of the guys were wearing parachute pants, shutter shades, pink shirts, and had their hairs styled in manners such as mohawks, tall flat tops, and mullets.

"Parachute pants? Big hair? Leg warmers? Pink neon signs? Clothing with gaudy bright patterns?" asked Peter, "Holy Crap! We're in Las Vegas!"

"No, stupid," said Zack, "We're in the 1980s"

"But the newspaper says it's 2015," said Meg looking at a newspaper stand.

"And people are using iPods and high speed internet," said Chris.

"How is that even possible?" asked Lois, "We can't be in the both 1980s AND 2015."

"This is a shot in the dark but I think this is a parallel universe where the 80s never died," said Zack, "...Which, when you think about it, is pretty much like our universe right now only cranked up to 11."

"Parallel Universe?" asked Lois in confusion, "How on earth did this happen?"

"See, this is what happens when you beta test something," said Brian.

"Actually, you know that remote control Grandpa used...?" said Maddie, "That was a multiverse transporter."

"Where on earth did you get a multiverse transporter?" asked Lois.

"Tilly..." lied Maddie, "She made it. And not Stewie."

"Really?" whispered Stewie, "You're telling her Tilly made it?"

"She'll actually believe it," whispered Maddie, "Nobody knows you're a genius besides me and Brian. Also for some reason, grandma and grandpa can understand me, Tilly, and CJ but not you."

"Oh they can hear Stewie just fine," said Zack, "They just don't care."

The family walk down the neon lit streets and pass by a video store.

"Look at all this," said Meg, "VHS and audio tapes are still being sold alongside DVDs..."

"Arcades are still abundant," said Maddie pointing out to a large arcade.

"And Justin Beiber doesn't have a career," said Stewie, "This is paradise."

"But we can't stay here," said Lois, "We still have friends and family back at home."

"Are you kidding?" asked Peter, "This place is perfect. This is even better than when I moved to Eternia with my friend Adam after high school."

"Eternia?" asked a random passerby, "What's that?"

"You know, Eternia," said Peter, "It's the main setting of He-Man."

"He-Man?" asked the passerby.

"Yeah, it's an 80's cartoon," said Peter.

"Yeah, 1980s," said the man, "This is 2015-80s," said the man."

"Hey Mike, this guy just made a He-Man reference," said a random passerby.

"Wow, He-Men?" said another random passerby, "Even we think that reference was dated. And the 80s aren't dead here."

"That... That hurt," said Peter as he was holding in his tears.

"Are you crying, dad?" asked Meg.

"No! Shut up! _You're_ crying!" sobbed Peter., "Let's go already!"

"Don't yell at her, you big crybaby," said Zack.

"I SAID LET'S GO!" shouted Peter.

"How do we go, anyway?" asked Meg.

"I think your dad pressed this button here," said Zack as he clicked the remote.

In a bright flash, the Griffin-Murdock family was gone...

**Back in the Meg's Family Universe...**

The Skullfaced killer was searching throughout the house, turning over everything he could find while making a huge mess in the process.

"Dammit! They're not here!" said Skullface as he angrily flipped over the coffee table before noticing something, "What's this?"

He then notices some energy residue on the living room sofa.

"So they've escaped into the multiverse," said Skullface, "No matter... There's nowhere they can hide from me. Their Peter will be dead and their Meg will be mine... Then the revolution can begin..."

He then opens a portal with his own remote and steps through...

**Kraang Universe**

The Griffin and Murdock family soon find themselves in what appears to be their home. But when they look at the couch they see another set of Griffins sitting... Except they had brains sticking out of their torsos.

"Well, this isn't home," said Meg.

"And what's up with the Brains?" asked Zack.

"Oh, this is the Kraang universe," said Stewie.

"The one called Meg is that which is known as sucks," said Kraang Peter.

"Your Insult is acknowledged," said Kraang Meg, "The one called Peter who is identified by Earthlings as father is what is known as a drunken fatass."

"The one who is known Meg should do what is known as shut up," said Kraang Peter.

"World domination and victory shall be what is known as mine," said Kraang Stewie.

"Who wishes to partake in the earth ritual that is known as dinner?" asked Kraang Lois.

"This universe that is known as the Kraang universe is that what is known as stupid," mocked Maddie as she pressed the remote, warping them out of there.

**Anime Universe**

The family arrives in what looks like their home, but everything looks a bit different. In the living room, the family saw what looked like anime versions of themselves.

"Cool! We're in one of those Japanese cartoons," said Meg.

"They're not Japanese cartoons, Meg," said Chris, "They're called anime. They're different and much more mature than American cartoons. They have longer intricate storylines, deeper characters, and amazing art."

"Really?" asked Peter, "Because all I've seen are underaged big breasted schoolgirls in tiny skirts and tentacles."

"And all I see are fart jokes in cartoons," said Chris, "I CAN GENERALIZE, TOO!"

"Okay, Break it up you two," said Zack, "You might be pushing Chris' weeaboo buttons."

"I'm more of an otaku than a weeaboo," said Chris, "But I see where you could get that."

"I wonder if this universe is dubbed or subbed?" asked Stewie.

Anime Peter was chowing down on some rice balls, when Anime Lois disapprovingly wags her finger at him

"Peter, stop eating all those donuts so fast," said anime Lois, "You'll get a heart attack and end up in another dimension."

"I'm so depressed," said anime Meg, "I'm going to take this laser knife and banish my mind to the Shadow Realm."

"Definitely dubbed," said Maddie, "And on a saturday morning network tv slot for some reason."

"That also explains why Lois' breasts look digitally altered," said Peter, "Also, it's weird how everyone's mouth doesn't match the words they're saying."

Stewie presses the remote and warps everyone away.

**Monster Universe**

The family appear inside what looks like a haunted castle and the first thing they notice is a large casket in the middle of the floor. The casket opens and out rises a Vampire Peter who was dressed up like Count Dracula.

"Velcome!" said VamPeter, "Velcome to the Griffin's house of horrors. I am the vampire Count VamPeter. You know, real vampires. Not that sparkle in the sun crap. I vill die if I step into the sun. Anyway, I'd like you to meet the rest of the family. This is my lovely wife Lois."

Lois enters the room looking like the Bride of Frankenstein.

"Our son Chris."

Chris enters the room as a howling Werewolf.

"Our other son, Stewie."

Stewie enters from a nearby fountain as the creature from the black lagoon.

"Our hellhound, Brian," said Peter

Brian enters the room, his fur shaggy, he teeth sharp, and foam drooling from his mouth.

"And the most terrifying, hideous, creature of all... Meg!" said VamPeter.

Then in steps Meg who looks like... Meg.

"Wow, I totally didn't see that one coming," said Zack sarcastically as he rolled his eyes.

At that moment a Cthulu looking creature bursts through the wall. Monster Universe Meg walks up to the looking creature and lifts up her shirt. The creature then screams in agony and turns to stone.

"Anyvay, you're just in time for dinner..." said VamPeter as the family slowly advanced.

"Let me guess? We're dinner?" asked Brian nonchalantly.

"No. We're having..." said VamPeter as he showed them a plate of... "Spam!"

"AHHHHHH!" screamed normal Peter as he pressed the remote...

**Bob's Burgers Universe**

The family then appears in the living room while drawn in the art style of Bob's Burgers.

"Oh crap," said Maddie, "We're in the Sanjay and Craig universe!"

"No, we're in the Bob's Burgers Universe," said Stewie.

"Oh, well that's much better then," said Maddie in relief..

"No it's not!" complained Peter, "Look how ugly and unfunny we look. It's the Meg of animated sitcoms."

"Will stop calling everything you hate the me of things?" asked Meg in frustration.

"Sorry, but Bob's Burgers sucks," said Peter.

"Yeah, why use wit when you can spend 22 minutes making dated pop culture references sprinkled with race, rape, and fart jokes and a billion 'Meg is Ugly' jokes?" asked Zack, "I'm just kidding; they're not jokes. Jokes are supposed to be funny."

"At least we're funnier than Robot Chicken, right?" asked Peter.

"You're barely funnier than a clown dying from AIDs," said Zack, "And even that is debatable."

"God, you're such a killjoy ," said Peter, "Just like Freddy from Scooby Doo."

**Cutaway**

"Fred!" shouted Shaggy, "There's, like, a creepy zombie haunting the cemetery!"

"It's just a guy in a mask," said Fred.

"Fred!" shouted Daphne, "The ghost of a librarian is haunting the library!"

"It's just a guy in a mask," said Fred.

"Fred!" said Velma, "Remember when we had sex last night? I think I'm pregnant with your baby."

"That was just a guy in a mask," lied Fred.

"Ruh Roh!" exclaimed Scooby.

**End Cutaway**

"Moving on..." said Stewie as he warped everyone out of there.

**Pony Universe**

Everyone appears as a pony in the style of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

"We're ponies now," said Peter, "So... that's a thing, I guess."

"Eeyup," agreed Zack.

"Cool, I'm a unicorn," said Cody as every stared at him in disbelief, "I mean... yuck, I'm a unicorn. That's so girly..."

"You can cut the act," said Maddie, "I've seen you cuddle my Rainbow Dash plushie when you think I'm not around."

"Crap... Please don't tell other people I'm a brony," said Cody, "But don't tell people I'm a hater, either."

"Oh my god!" said Meg in glee, "I have always wanted my own pony... and now I _am_ my own pony!"

"How would you like to be your own bottle of glue?" asked Peter in annoyance.

"How would you like to be part of the McValue menu?" asked Zack in annoyance as he bucked Peter into a tree.

"And there's the long awaited pony reference," said Stewie as he pressed the remote button.

**Super Mario Universe**

The family now finds themselves in a grassy outdoor area full of floating question mark blocks, green pipes, and clouds with eyes.

"No points for guessing what universe this is," said Zack.

"Hey look, it's me!" said Peter as he pointed out to himself who was dressed as Mario running towards a castle.

"I'll-a save you princess!" said Petario.

"Help me, Petario!" said Princess Lois who was dressed up like Princess Peach, "Save me from the Evil King Stewser!"

"The Mushroom Kingdom shall be mine!" cackled Stewser who was a Bowser version of Stewie.

"I'm-a coming Princess-a Lois," said Petario.

He then runs towards the castle while jumping on Megoombas(Goombas with Meg's glasses and hat)

"Didn't see that one coming..." said Meg dryly.

"At least your counterparts' death was swift," said Chris pointing to a Chris Koopa shell that was being bounced back and forth between two pipes.

"SOMEBODY KILL ME! PLEEEEEEAAAAAASE!" shouted the Chris Koopa.

"That's not your only counterpart, either," said Zack pointing to a different castle.

In that castle was a tan skinned Meg dressed up as Princess Daisy.

"Isn't anyone gonna rescue me?" asked Megaisy.

"Shut up, Megaisy," said Petario.

"Where's my counterpart?" asked Brian.

Petario hits a question mark block and out comes a Yoshi Egg. Out from that Yoshi Egg comes out Yoshi Brian. Petario then jumps on Yoshi Brian's back, and instantly crushes to death him with his weight.

"Eh, I'll get the next one," said Petario.

"Okay, I've seen enough" said Brian as he pressed the remote.

**The Universe Where Everyday is Monday**

The Griffins then warp in what appears to be their home again.

"Are we home yet?" asked Meg.

"No," said Stewie looking at the remote, "This is the universe where every day is Monday."

Maddie looks to her right and notices a door that was never there before. On it was the words "Beware of Splut".

"Beware of splut," said Maddie, "What's a splut?"

She opens the door and is hit with a flying pie in the face.

"SPLUT!" shouted a unknown disembodied voice.

"I assume you've never watched an episode of Garfield and friends," said Stewie.

"Well joke's on them. I just got a free pie," said Maddie as she began eating the pie.

"You know what goes great with pie?" asked Stewie.

"NO!" shouted Cody, "If you say coo hwip I will rip your skull right out of your stupid looking football head mouth-first with your tongue!"

"WHOA!" gasped Stewie, "A little much don't you think? A simple 'please don't say it' would've sufficed. You really need to calm down..."

"I guess you're right..." said Cody.

"So..." said Stewie, "How bout some coo hwip?"

Cody then screams in pure rage, then lunges at Stewie and pulls his tongue, but Brian and Maddie hold him back.

"WHAT THE HELL, MAN?!" shouted Stewie in disbelief, "YOU WERE ACTUALLY GOING TO PULL MY FUCKING SKULL OUT TONGUE FIRST?!"

"I WARNED YOU!" shouted Cody in rage, "YOU ALL HEARD ME WARN HIM!"

"Next," said Zack boredly as he pressed the remote button.

**The 1920s Universe**

The family warped into a street that looked like Quahog but in the 1920s

"Dammit!" said Brian, "We're still not home!"

"I think we're in a universe where it's still the 1920s," said Meg, "I remember reading about this in history class."

"Ugh... This has to be the worst universe yet," said Zack bitterly.

"I don't see what's so wrong with this universe," said Peter, "The air is nice, everyone's got jobs, life is so much simpler... I don't see what's so wrong."

Just then, 1920s Cleveland walked by.

"Good morning, Lois," said 1920s Cleveland before he was quickly beaten by the police for looking at a white woman and thrown into a squad car filled with a bunch of blacks, gays, lesbians, and feminists.

"And there's your answer," said Zack, "These were only the good ol days... as long as you were a white, straight, Christian male."

"Essentially this would be what the world would be like if conservatives had their way," said Brian.

"He's actually right, this time," said Zack, "Mostly... ish. If you're white, you're alright. If you're gay, lesbian, or black, get in the back."

"...Yeah, I'm still not seeing the problem," said Peter nonchalantly.

"Of course you don't," said Zack as he rolled his eyes.

"I'm just saying that I don't see anything bad about this universe that affects me, personally," said Peter.

"Zack, do something..." pleaded Meg.

"I got this," said Zack as he grabbed a Sears catalog from a magazine stand as, "Peter, this is a 1920s swimsuit catalog."

He then thumbs through the magazine for a few seconds.

"Okay, let's go," said Peter nonchalantly as he clicked the remote.

**Cat Universe**

Everyone was an anthropomorphic cat.

"Now we're cats," said Stewie as he pressed the button.

**Fish Universe**

Everyone was an anthropomorphic fish person living underwater.

"And now we're fish," said Stewie as he pressed the button.

**Catfish Universe**

Now everyone was an anthropomorphic cat/fish hybrid living underwater.

"And now we're catfish," said Stewie.

"So if we eat fish, does that make us cannibals?" asked Chris.

"Sure," said Zack, "In the same sense that an eagle eating a duck is cannibalism..."

The remote is pressed again and everyone is warped away.

**Universe 63**

The family warps into what looks like their living room again.

"Wonder what universe we're in this time?" asked Meg.

"Universe 63," said Stewie.

"What's Universe 63?" asked Maddie.

Everyone in the living room is a gender swapped version of themselves watching TV.

"Ugh," said Zack in disgust as he looked at Peter's female counterpart who looked like Peter in drag, "At least it's not Universe 34."

"Oh my God!" said Peter in shock, "I look just like Meg!"

"Aside from the 300 extra pounds, the ball chins, the smaller rounder nose and the bigger mouth, yes," said Zack sarcastically, "The resemblance is uncanny."

Maddie squints and spots Meg's counterpart, Ron.

"Is that mom?" asked Maddie, "Now I see why you wax your face all the time."

"Maddie! Shush!" hissed Meg.

"It's okay," said Zack, "I also know about the legs. I still love you, though."

"Aww," cooed Meg as she hugged Zack.

"Oh God, that is the sickeningly sweet thing I've seen all day," said Peter gagging in disgust, "And I had chocolate pancakes covered in cake frosting topped with powdered sugar with a Mountain Dew this morning."

"You have that every morning... and afternoon... and night..." said Stewie, "How are you even alive?!"

"We've all asked that question at one point or another," said Brian, "I'm just starting to think that he has compromising photos of Death."

"Hey Brian, look at that bitch" said Stewie pointing to the genderswapped Brian, "You should totally try to hook up with her. She's probably the only woman good enough for you."

"I don't know..." said Brian, "Isn't that sick? Like incest?"

"Technically it's only masturbation and egotism," said Stewie, "Your kids will probably grow up more retarded than Jillian due to the lack of new genes, but other than that I'd go for it."

"He's already in love with himself, Stewie," said Maddie, "He doesn't need to take it to the next level."

"This is getting too weird," said Zack, "Let's go."

The Griffins then teleported out of that universe. A few seconds later, Skullface warps into the universe and stabs Patricia to the horror of the rest of the family.

"What the-?" said Ron before he was quickly captured in a burlap sack.

**Muppet Universe**

The family warps behind a brick wall where everyone is a live action muppet.

"Cool, we're muppets," said Zack.

"Today's universe has been brought to you by the letter G for Gas," said Muppet Peter who then farts on Muppet Meg and laughs while Muppet Zack does a Kermit style face scrunch.

"Gross!" shouted Muppet Meg, "My felt smells like fart!"

"And the letter B for Bonk," said Muppet Zack as he hits Muppet Peter with a bonking stick.

"Ow! Geez, what have you got up your ass?" asked Muppet Peter.

"Somebody's hand," said Muppet Zack, "He's married by the way... It's not a real diamond and he's wearing a Rolex. It's 3:00 in case anyone wanted to know."

"Will you two quit fooling around?" asked Muppet Lois as Zack stared at her in awkward silence, "What?"

"I just can't help but notice how big your nose looks," said Zack, "I wonder how much of Sesame Street can you fit in there?"

Muppet Zack then turns to the screen, laughing like Ernie while Lois shakes in anger.

"I'll show you big! HI-YA!" shouted Muppet Lois as she karate chopped him, Miss Piggy style.

Meanwhile, Stewie, Brian and Maddie are watching all of this on a random balcony.

"Well, That act was a real gas," said Muppet Stewie.

"Gas as in funny?" asked Muppet Brian.

"No, gas as in stinks," said Muppet Maddie.

"Dohohohohoh!" laughed Muppet Maddie and Muppet Brian.

"I actually meant gas as in Holocaust," said Muppet Stewie, "Dohohohohoho!"

Muppet Maddie and Muppet Brian just stare at Muppet Stewie disapprovingly.

"That was terrible," said Muppet Brian.

"People died in the holocaust," said Muppet Maddie.

"Then they're the lucky ones, aren't they," said Muppet Stewie, "They didn't have to watch this dreck. DOHOHOHOHO!"

Muppet Maddie and Muppet Brian still stare at Muppet Stewie in silence.

"Okay... I'll admit that one was kinda funny," said Muppet Maddie.

"Enough fooling around, already! We have to get back to our universe," said Muppet Meg as she was looking around for a minute, "Wait, where's Cody?"

"I'm right here, mom!" shouted Cody from a distance.

As Cody entered the scene, he was... a cheap looking dirty sock puppet with googly eyes, black yarn hair.

"Why are you a sock puppet instead of a Muppet?" asked Meg.

"Because the Jim Henson Creature Shop forgot to deliver my puppet," said Sock Puppet Cody, "This was thrown in at the last minute."

"I'd expect this sort of thing would happen to me," said Muppet Meg.

"I know," said Cody, "Let's get out here, already. I think this sock was used by someone who had athlete's foot."

They then warp on out of the Muppet Universe.

**Live Action Universe**

Inside of a real life version of the Griffin house, Seth MacFarlane was in a fat suit dressed as Peter, Mila Kunis was dressed up as Meg, Alex Borstein was dressed as Lois, and Seth Green was in a fat suit dressed as Chris...

"Where's Zack?" asked Mila.

At that moment, Jerry Trainor, Ashton Kutcher, Rob Paulsen, J.G. Quintel, and Dane Cook walked into the room dressed as Zack.

"Why are they all dressed as Zack?" asked Alex.

"Malcolm Fox couldn't decide on who would definitively voice Zack," said JG Quintel.

"Yeah, he'd always imagine one of us doing the voices at random," said Rob Paulsen.

"He does lean towards me most of the time, though," said Jerry Trainer.

"He's been leaning towards me lately, though," said JG Quintel.

"It should be me, though, since I'm with Mila Kunis in real life," said Ashton Kutcher.

"What about me?" asked Dane Cook, "He imagined my voice in the first few chapters."

"Shut up, Dane," said the other Zack voice actors.

"I think it should be Ashton, too," said Mila.

"Shut up, Mila Kunis," said MacFarlane.

The camera then pans over to a live action baby boy dressed as Stewie, a live action blonde baby girl dressed as Maddie, a 3 year old boy dressed as Cody, and a white dog.

"Next," said Brian as he pawed the remote.

**Universe full of gay men**

"Oooh," said Stewie in glee.

"Really?" asked Maddie as she pressed the button.

**Spellbook Universe**

The Family Warps into Griffin home where they find Rosie Kennedy playing with her toys in the living room. Maddie notices this and runs up to her in excitement.

"Rosie!" said Maddie.

"Maddie!" said Rosie as they hugged each other, "I thought I'd never see you again."

"Me too," said Maddie, "It's been a while. Well since we're here maybe you can help us with something..."

"What is it?" asked Rosie.

"We're stuck in the multiverse and need to get home," said Maddie, "Maybe you can whip up a spell to-"

"Oh blah blah blah! NEXT!" said Stewie angrily as he pressed the remote.

"Stewie No!" shouted Maddie as she vanished.

"Weird..." shrugged Rosie as she went back to playing with her toys.

**Universe: Unknown**

"What the hell?!" asked Maddie angrily, "She could've helped us get home, you idiot!"

"If we can't stay in a universe _I_ like, I don't want to stay in a universe _you_ like!" whined Stewie.

"So what universe are we in this time?" asked Zack.

"Apparently this is the everyone-turned-inside-out universe," said Stewie.

"Oh HELL no!" said Zack as he opened another portal and quickly pushed everyone in.

Afterwards another portal opens and out steps Skullface.

"Now I have them," he said as he ran offscreen into the next room, "The FUCK?!"

**Scooby Doo Universe**

The Family warped into a haunted house where everyone was drawn in the style of 1970s Hanna Barbera characters. Zack, Meg, Lois and Brian in particular resembled Shaggy, Velma, Daphne, and Scooby respectively.

"Jinkies, where are we this time?" asked Meg.

"Ugh, everything is so cheaply animated," complained Stewie, "From the looks of things, I'm guessing this is the either the Scooby Doo universe or the Filmation universe."

Suddenly, a white flash envelops the room and there appears Jillian, Tilly, and CJ who were also drawn in the style of 1970s Hanna Barbera. Tilly was holding her own version of the multiverse remote.

"There you guys are," said Tilly, "We've been looking everywhere!"

"Oooh, are in the Real Ghostbusters?" asked Jillian.

"No, mom, this is Scooby Doo," said Tilly

"How the deuce did you find us?" asked Stewie.

"Simple: Each dimension occupies the same space but vibrates at different frequencies," said Tilly, "And although you can exist in other dimensions, you are not completely in perfect sync with the dimensional frequencies. This in turn left us a trail for us to follow."

"Wow, that's very ingenious," said Stewie.

"Anyway, we didn't just find you to bring you back," said Tilly, "We think you might be in danger, Specifically Grandpa and Aunt Meg."

"Danger? What do you mean?" asked Meg.

"During our travels, in almost every universe we went to, that universe's Peter was murdered and their Meg was kidnapped," said Tilly, "We were able to save Rosie's Meg and Peter in the nick of time."

"Why would anybody want to kill me?" asked Peter, "I'm a hilarious lovable oaf with a wonderful personality!"

"I couldn't imagine..." said Zack dryly.

"Would this killer happen to be wearing a black hooded robe with a skull mask?" asked Chris.

"Yes he is, dad," said Tilly, "How did you know that?"

"Because he's right behind me," said Chris as the Skullfaced killer had his hand on Chris' shoulder.

"Why didn't you tell us he was behind you?" shrieked Lois.

"Well, why didn't _you_ notice he was behind me?" asked Chris, "You were looking this way for a good few minutes. I mean, he does have a skull mask on! How could you NOT see him?"

"ZOINKS!" shouted Zack, "RUN!"

Everyone scattered as Scooby Doo chase music began to play. The family runs into a hallway with a bunch of doors and split up with Skullface in pursuit. First Zack runs through the doors while carrying Brian with Skullface in pursuit. Then Chris. Then Meg. Then Lois. Then Peter. Then Stewie, Maddie, and Brian. Then Tilly and CJ. Then Jillian, Chris, and Skullface are riding on a three person bicycle through the doors. Then Adam West then runs through the doors. Then Lois carrying Peter. Then Meg and Zack. Then Peter and Brian. Then the real Scooby Doo gang. Then Johnny Bravo. Then the Simpsons. Then the Smiths(American Dad). Then the Brown-Tubbs(The Cleveland Show). Then the Griffin/Murdocks who are now chasing Skullface. Then Peter, Homer, Stan, and Cleveland run into each other, scream, and run back into their doors. Then the entire family runs out one of the doors.

"Wait, why are we even doing this?" asked Tilly.

"For a quick sight gag?" shrugged Peter.

"Whatever. That was stupid and pointless," said Tilly as she pressed the multiverse remote, warping everyone away.

**Earth Prime-C**

The family warps into the Griffin living room again. This time, everything seems like normal, except the light s are dim.

"I think we're finally home, thank God," said Meg.

"Something's not right, though," said Maddie.

"What the Hell is with this place?" asked Peter as he sniffed the air, "It smells like death!"

"And I think I know why," said Zack with a hint of fear in voice as he pointed to the sofa, "Just take a look."

The family gasps in horror as they see the bloodied corpses of their counterparts posed on the couch, all with a look of sheer terror frozen on their faces...

"Good lord..." said Brian somberly, "They're all dead."

"Not all of them," said Zack, "Meg's corpse isn't here."

"And from the looks of the blood stains and the decomposing flesh, it looks like they've been dead for a while," said Tilly.

"Why would someone kill the entire family, but not me?" asked Meg.

"Yeah, you'd think you would've been the one dead while everyone else escaped," said Peter and Meg scowled at him, "Not that I'd actually do it! C'mon! I mean I always say I'd do it, but I wouldn't actually do it."

"What's this?" asked Brian as he picked up a VHS tape that had the words "Play Me"!" scrawled on it.

"Ugh, a VHS tape?" asked Stewie in contempt, "Haven't they heard of a little thing called a DVD player."

"Haven't you heard of a little think called shutting up?" asked Maddie, "Play the tape."

Stewie then inserts the tape and an image of a frantic and bruised Stewie huddled in the basement corner appears on the screen.

"I say," said Stewie, "Who is that handsome devil on the screen."

"That's the washer," said Tilly pointing at the washing machine in the background with a smirk.

"Oh ha ha... aren't you the comedian," said Stewie dryly, "Let's just watch."

**Cutaway to the Tape**

"I don't have much time so you must listen carefully. If you are watching this and are from a different universe, the entire multiverse is in grave danger. Last night it killed the fatman, but it didn't stop there... it would then kill Lois... and then Chris... and then Brian. I am the lone survivor of the family. It has found a way to access the multiverse and claims that it wants to create a new world order. I don't know what that means but-"

Suddenly, a loud thump is heard.

"No... NO! STAY BACK! STAY BA-"

*static*

**And the tape ends there...**

"What was it?" asked Meg, "And why did it kill everyone but me?"

"I think I know who did this..." said Zack, "It was the Skullfaced killer and I know who that is, too. It's-"

Suddenly, Skullface appears from out of nowhere and shoots Peter in the chest, who quickly crumples to the ground.

"PETER!" shouted Lois.

Skullface then grabs Meg, shoots Stewie's remote, then Tilly's remote, opens up a vortex and runs towards it.

"ZACK! HELP!" shouted Meg.

"MEG!" shouted Zack as he ran after them.

He was a split second late as the vortex closed, causing to fly headfirst into a wall. He then scrambles to his feet and desperrately tries to find a portal.

"DAAAAAAMN!" shouted Zack in fury as he angrily pounded his fists onto the ground. His wife was abducted and with the multiverse remotes destroyed, they were stranded in this universe. Possibly forever...

**Universe: Unknown**

A portal opens in what appears to be a technological base of some sort. Out steps Skullface with Meg hoisted over his shoulder. He then sets her down and advances to her as she fearfully backs away to the nearest corner. Many things were rushing through her mind: her father was shot dead, her family was stranded in another world, she may never see her husband and daughter again, and that this man was about to kill her.

"What do you want with me?" panics Meg, "Please don't kill me! I have a daughter and step-son!"

"I didn't bring you here to kill you," said Skullface, "I brought you here so that I can help you."

"Help me?" asked Meg, "Who are you?"

The Skullface pulls his mask to reveal that he is... Meg who is completely identical to the real Meg, except she had a cold expression on her face.

"I'm you," she said in her normal voice, "Except I've been **Pushed Too Far**..."

** Can it be?! Is this woman really Meg? And if she is, where did she come from? And what about the Griffins? Will they ever find Meg, or will they be lost forever in the multiverse? Tune in next time for to the exciting conclusion, same Meg time same Meg channel!**

**To Be Continued...**


	3. Battle for the Multiverse

**Chapter 2: Battle for the Multiverse**

_(A/N:I apologize for the rushed feeling of this chapter, but I really wanted to get this done so I could work on more episodic humor-centric chapters)_

_Previously on Family Guy, Zack brought home a beta internet TV player but didn't have a remote, so Peter unknowingly grabs Stewie's multiverse remote and flings the family into the infinite multiverse. They keep going into random universes until they run into an evil man with a skull mask who shoots Peter and kidnaps Meg, except that this man was not a man but also Meg. So in short, Meg has been kidnapped, Peter might be dead, the family is stranded, Captain Picard is a Borg, and JR has been shot. We now continue with part 2 of our story..._

Meg could only look in horror as the other Meg stared coldly at her. She still couldn't wrap her on the fact that this girl was her, or at least her from an alternate universe. Why was she doing this and how did she get this way? But more importantly, where was she?

"Where am I?" asked Meg,

"This is a space station floating in an empty universe," said the Other Meg, "It used to be the Death Star, but I stole it from the Star Wars Universe and modified it a bit."

The camera zooms out and reveals that the Death Star was modified to look like Meg's face. It was indeed floating in a white empty void. The camera then zooms back into the station.

"You should call it the Death Meg," said Meg, "It works as a double reference for the Death Egg from Sonic &amp; Knuckles."

"Hmm... Not bad," said the other Meg,

"But Why did you kill my dad?" asked Meg, "And why did you kidnap me?"

"Because I need you," said Pushed Too Far Meg, "You see, a while ago I bought a bunny named Snowball. I loved her so much... then one day that fat bastard took her out of her cage, put her in the road, and let her get run over. He just laughed and laughed and LAUGHED as he threw her road killed corpse at me! I couldn't take it anymore! Something inside me just snapped... One night everyone else had gone out and Peter and I were alone... I took an axe and, well let's we finally buried the hatchet... IN HIS HEAD!"

"All that over a bunny?" asked Meg, "Really?"

"The bunny was the last straw," said Pushed Too Far Meg, "All the years of abuse and ridicule festered inside me and I was just... pushed too far."

"Okay, why do you keep emphasizing the words pushed too far?" asked Meg, "Is that like a title to something I should know about?"

"After I killed the fat bastard I was convinced by Stewie to kill Lois," said Meg, "Then Chris... and then Brian. But why stop there? He proposed that we would go ahead and rule the multiverse. He then took me on a road to the multiverse... Every universe I saw, there was a Meg being tormented, tortured, or made ugly just a get a cheap laugh by their universe's God. Even the most beautiful one was still considered ugly... That's when I decided no more. When we returned to our universe, I killed Stewie and took his remote and I decided that I would go to every universe to kill every Peter and rescue every Meg."

Pushed Too Far Meg than leads Meg into a holding chamber that was filled with thousands of different Megs. Most of them just looked like regular Meg, but there were other variations such as Makeover Meg, Hot Meg from the Atheist universe, Japanese Meg, Prison Meg from "Dial Meg for Murder", Blocky Meg, Ron, Ensign Meg(Star Trek Redshirt), Native American Meg(from The Life of Brian), and Anime Meg.

"As you can see, I have liberated nearly every Meg in the known multiverse," said Pushed Too Far Meg, "Well, except for inside-out-universe Meg, because that place is just plain nasty. With them, we will create a new utopia where we can all live in peace and with respect."

"Liberated?" asked Meg "You imprisoned all these Megs and killed their fathers! You're disturbed! You need help!"

"I **SAVED** THESE MEGS FROM THEIR FATHERS!" snapped Pushed Too Far Meg before she regained her composure, "_They're_ the ones who needed help and you do, too! You'll understand."

She then pushes Meg into the room with the other Megs and locks the door. She looks on at al the other Megs staring at her in what she assumed to be a mixture of confusion and fear.

"I just hope my family is alright..." she said to herself as she curled herself into a fetal position and softly cried.

Back in the Pushed Too Far Universe, Lois was holding Peter close to her as tears were flowing down her face.

"Peter! Peter, no!" sobbed Lois as she held Peter close to her, "Don't leave me! I don't know what I'd do without you... You were a good husband and father... you were a great provider..."

"And was great in bed..." said Peter quickly without opening his eyes.

"And was great in bed..." said Lois before she stopped and realized that he wasn't dead, "Peter? You're alive!"

"But how?" asked Zack, "You got freaking shot!"

"It was wearing my steel bra," said Peter as he lifted up his shirt to reveal said steel bra, "Good thing he aimed for my man boobs or moobs as I like to call them."

"Why are you wearing a steel bra?" asked Lois perplexed.

"Because they match the steel panties I'm also wearing, duh," said Peter as he unzipped his pants, "Wanna see them?"

"Nonono! We'll take your word for it!" shuddered Zack in disgust.

"The bullet wouldn't have killed me, anyway," said Peter, "I have compromising photos of Death. Anyway, looks like Meg's gone."

"You mean we're just going to leave her?" asked Zack, "We're not even going to try to rescue her?"

"How can we?" asked Peter, "We're stranded in an alternate universe and the remotes are broken. This is our home now. We're just gonna have to make the best of it"

Peter then shoves all the corpses off the couch, sits down, and turns on the TV.

"Ah sweet! They had HBO," said Peter.

"We can't just sit here and do nothing! We-," said Zack before he notices that Lois is stealing the dead Lois' earrings, "You too?!"

"What? They're nicer than mine!" said Lois, "And she won't needing them anymore anyway."

"Um hello?" asked Tilly as she waved both arms to get everyone's attention, "Baby Genius here? I can repair my multiverse remote or even build a new Sundoor."

"And I know exactly what you can use. Follow me," said Stewie as he lead Tilly upstairs to his room. Everyone else followed as well for curiosity's sake.

The family walked into Stewie's bedroom and see that it's a mess. Debris and broken weapons were everywhere. As Stewie pushes away the rubble and debris in his room, he stumbles upon his walk-in time machine. Unfortunately, it appears to be in bad shape.

"Cool, a porta potty," said CJ, "I've been holding in a huge fudge hot dog since the 80s universe."

"It's not a porta potty you twit," said Stewie, "This is my, I mean, Tilly's walk in time machine."

"That makes sense," said Lois before realizing something, "Wait, Tilly doesn't exist in this universe."

"Um... oh look at this," said Stewie changing the subject, "A return pad used for returning to places."

"Alright! The return pad is still intact," said Brian as he picked it up.

"But the machine itself is in bad shape," said Tilly, "Do you know where the schematics are?"

"I think I keep them in a drawer somewhere," said Stewie as he opened a drawer full of male fitness magazines and was met with Tilly raising an eyebrow in response, "What? I want to be buff one day! Aha! Here they are. What do you think?"

Peter grabs the schematics and reads them for a moment.

"What the hell?" asked Peter, "I can't understand a single word on this thing. It must be written in Japanese or something. "

"Peter, it's in English," said Brian, "You're holding it upside down."

"I knew that," lied Peter before turning it over, "Aw crap. Now it's in French."

"You're holding it sideways," said Brian.

"I knew that," lied Peter before Zack snatched the schematics from him and hands them to Tilly.

Tilly examines the schematics of the machine for a few seconds and then looks at the machine itself.

"I think I can modify this thing into a makeshift Sundoor," said Tilly, "I just have to switch out the processor with the one in my busted remote."

"How long will that take?" asked Lois.

"Maybe a few hours?" shrugged Tilly, "The plutonium rods are shot, but I can replace those with the uranium ones in my backpack."

"You carry uranium rods in your backpack?" asked Maddie.

"Sure do," said Tilly, "It's like an American Express card; I never leave home without it. I just don't store them in my lunch box anymore ever since CJ mistook them for green hot dogs."

"I had a glow in the dark stomach 3 weeks," said CJ, "And the less said about the toilet, the better."

"Anyway, it looks like the flux capacitor is pretty banged up, too," said Tilly.

"You leave the flux capacitor to me," said Zack.

"Since when did you learn how to fix flux capacitors?" asked Brian.

"Back when I ran the auto shop," said Zack, "You'd be surprised what kind of customers I'd get..."

**Flashback**

"Thanks again for fixing my DeLorean, Zackery," said Doc Brown, "For this, I'll make sure your future is a bright one."

"No problem," said Zack, "Just watch out for those time bumps."

"Anyway, I'd better go..." said Brown, "BACK TO THE FUTURE!"

The DeLorean then drives off into the future, leaving fiery tire tracks behind. A few seconds later, the DeLorean returns from the future to the Autoshop with Peter now driving it.

"Peter? What the hell are you doing here?" asked a confused Zack.

"I was doing a flashback for Chris on why stealing from old people is always bad idea," said Peter.

**End Flashback**

Back in the Death Meg, Meg was still trapped in the room with all the other Megs. She then walks up to a group of Megs and tries to talk with them.

"That Meg is psycho!" said Meg, "We have to get out of here."

"Why?" asked Makeover Meg, "She just wants to help us."

"SHE WANTS TO GIVE US A BETTER LIFE!" shouted Blocky Meg robotically, "SHE IS OUR SAVIOR!"

"Why would any of us want to go back?" asked Hot Atheist Meg.

"Because I have a family I love and care about!" said Meg.

"Let us guess," said Criminal Meg in a snide almost mocking tone, "You still care about your parents and your brothers even though they treat you like garbage?"

"No! I mean my husband and daughter," said Meg.

"Wait, you have a daughter?" asked Anime Meg.

"You have a husband?" asked Japanese Meg, "My father thinks I am too ugly to get married and that I bring dishonor to our family."

"It's true," said Meg, "It all started one day when I was kicked out of the car..."

She then tells all the Megs her stories of her life with Zack and Maddie... They were hanging on to her every word from the first dance, to Maddie's birth, and all the other crazy adventures such as when they all became superheroes and when Rosie and Maddie switches places...

"Wow, that sounds amazing," said Lacey Chabert Meg.

"And Zack and Maddie sound amazing, too," Japanese Meg.

"And Cody... eh, he seems like an unnecessary addition," said Criminal Meg.

"He's still my son," said Meg slightly offended, "And I'm not the only Meg who got married. Another one married a great guy named Matt Kennedy."

"YOU MEAN THERE IS HOPE FOR ALL OF US?" shouted Blocky Meg.

"All of you could find that someone who can make life living," said Meg.

"You know what? Forget the other Meg's idea of a new utopia!" said Hot Atheist Meg, "We want to follow you!"

"Wait, why me?" asked Meg.

"You've inspired us," said Ron, "Before we met you we all thought we were just ugly losers doomed to be miserable forever... But hearing how you were able to find true love and start a family has shown us that there is hope for us."

"An irresponsible under aged teen mother has shown us the light," said Makeover Meg triumphantly as all the others cheered.

Meanwhile in the main control room of the Death Meg, Pushed Too Far Meg was fiddling with some controls and pressed a large red button.

"And now to commence phase two," said Pushed Too Far Meg, "The destruction of the multiverse..."

Outside of the Death Meg, the eyes of the station began to glow as it emitted multiple bright blue lasers that shot off into portals in every direction. Meanwhile back in the Pushed Too Far Universe, Tilly was still working on Stewie's time machine...

"Now hand me the screwdriver, CJ," said Tilly.

"Yeees master," said CJ in his best Peter Lorre impersonation as he limped his way towards his sister with a huge hump on his back.

"CJ, what did I tell you about imitating Igor?" asked Tilly.

"That if I ever do it again, you'll pop my head like a cherry?" asked CJ.

"Yes. And that was your last warning," said Tilly before she stared at CJ's hunched back, "Wait, when did you get a hump?"

"Since a few minutes ago," said Stewie as he appeared from under CJ's shirt, "I'm CJ's hump. I'm humping CJ."

"You do know what that means, right?" asked Tilly as she arched an eyebrow, "Though I never pictured you as the one being on top."

"Will you guys quit horsing around?" asked an irritated Maddie, "I want to rescue my mom and go home."

"Quick question," chimed Zack, "How are we going to find Meg in the infinite multiverse?"

"That's the easy part," said Tilly, "Aunt Meg has a unique signature-"

"Is it a ugly signature?" asked Peter as he made a dopey smile, but that smile slowly faded as he was greeted with nothing but annoyed glares.

"Peter, will you lay off?" asked Lois, "We're genuinely worried about her!"

"Anyway... that signature would be hard to find alone," continued Tilly, "But with a cluster of Megs in one place, that signature is amplified. We just home in on the clusters of Meg like a beacon and we're there."

"So how goes the repairs?" asked Stewie.

"It's almost done," said Tilly, "It should be smooth sailing so long as we don't run into any complications.

"Guys, you might want to see this," said Chris.

"And there it is," said Zack dryly as he and everyone else followed Chris downstairs and to the living room TV that was on the news channel.

**Cutaway to TV**

"This is Tom Tucker and Joyce Kinney with breaking news," said Tom.

"It appears that the entire world is vanishing," said Joyce, "Entire cities have disappeared into white nothingness. Buildings, streets, and even people have mysteriously vanished into thin air as if they never existed."

"We now go live to Tricia Takanawa who is in downtown Quahog," said Tom.

The scene changes to downtown Quahog where Tricia is standing in the middle of a panic stricken street. People are screaming and running in all directions as everything behind them was disappearing into white nothingness.

"Tom, I'm standing here in downtown Quahog," said Tricia in her usual stoic voice, "As you can see, everything behind is vanishing into a white , the town is becoming more whitewashed than Hollywood. It appears the whiteness is coming closer. I will attempt to get an interview. Excuse me Mr. White Void, how-" *kzzzzzt*

The live signal then went dead and the scene switches back to Quahog 5 studio.

"It appears we've lost contact with Tricia," said Tom.

"It looks like she was covered by all that white stuff," said Joyce.

"Sounds like a typical Saturday night for Tricia Takanawa," said Tom before noticing something, "Wait why the hell is everything vanish-"

*kzzzzzzzzt*

**End Cutaway**

"What's happening?" asked a panic stricken Lois.

"This universe is being erased!" said Tilly in an alarmed tone, "If we don't get out of here soon, we'll be erased with it!"

"Wait, who the heck is Joyce Kinney?" asked Zack, "What happened to Diane?"

"Forget that!" said Lois, "The fading is getting closer!"

The living room was beginning to disappear as the whiteness crept in. The whole family then runs upstairs as the void follows them, consuming everything in its path. When they reach Stewie's room, it appears that his room is the only thing left in the universe as it was floating in a white space.

"Is the machine ready yet?" asked Zack.

"It's done!" said Tilly as she screwed the last bolt, "Everyone get inside!"

Everyone quickly squeezes into the walk in time/space machine and in a bright flash, everyone is warped away from the world. And just in time as that universe suddenly ceased to exist. The family then finds themselves warped in one of the corridors of the Death Meg.

"That was too close," said Brian in a sigh of relief.

"This must be where they are," said Tilly.

"I think we're in some sort of space station," said Brain as he took in his surroundings.

"What the hell?" asked Peter in confusion as he looked out the window noticing there was nothing out there.

"It's totally empty out there," said Zack, "No stars, no planets, nothing. It's like the inside of Jillian's head."

"That's not true," said an offended Jillian, "I'm pretty sure there's a cotton swab end stuck in there somewhere."

"This station must be floating in some sort of limbo outside of the multiverse," said Tilly.

"So we're in Limbo?" asked Stewie, "Weird, but still less weird than when Maddie injured that magician at her birthday party."

**Flashback**

It was Maddie's first birthday party in the Griffin backyard and all her friends were there. There was a magician who wore the usual suit and a top hat doing magic tricks on a stage.

"Now for my next trick, I'll need the birthday girl," said the magician.

Maddie then walks next to the magician who hands her a sword.

"Now in this trick, Maddie will put swords through my body..." said the Magician.

"You mean like this?" asked Maddie as she stabbed him in the stomach.

"AHHHHHHH!" he screamed in pain, "You were supposed to wait until I got in the box first!"

All the kids began screaming and crying at the sight. Maddie then quickly pulls the sword out of the magician who then starts bleeding... playing cards? Yes, playing cards are flying out of his wound... then doves, then handkerchiefs, then rabbits, all while the magician was screaming in agony before he fell over from "blood" loss. Everyone just stares in stunned silence, especially Maddie who begins crying from the traumatic experience.

"...Fake!" shouts Peter.

**End Flashback**

The family run down the hallways of the station until they reach a large room with hundreds of metal doors.

"Meg could be in any one of these doors," said Lois.

"It'll take us forever to check them all," said Peter.

"Everyone split up and check a door," said Brian.

Everyone then picks a door. Zack opens his door and sees a room full of mounted head trophies of every Peter Pushed Too Far Meg has ever killed.

"Okay, this is just creepy.." said Zack as he shut his door.

Lois opens her door and finds a room full of all the boyfriends Meg has ever had including Kevin Swanson, Anthony, Eli, Toby, Michael and a few others(possibly from other fanfics as well). She thinks to her self for a moment and unbuttons the top of her blouse before shaking her head and buttoning it back up.

"Maybe later..." she said as she closed the door.

Maddie and Cody open their door and see Dianoga Meg, Dog Meg, Ursula Meg, Donkey Meg, Cockroach Meg, and various other creature Megs playing poker in a large room.

"It's funny because ugly..." said Cody, "Not!"

"Um... I'm looking for our mom," said Maddie uncomfortably as she rubbed the back of her neck, "Do you know which room the human Megs are being held in?"

"Yeah, It's the fourth door that way," said Ursula Meg pointing a tentacle to the right.

"Thanks," said Maddie as she and Cody leave.

Peter opens his door and finds a room full of various different Conway Twittys such as Darth Twitty, Beiber Twitty, and more. Zack walks by and takes notice?

"Photoshopped Conway Twitty for every occasion?" asked Zack, "People actually wasted time and money doing this?"

"Yep," said Peter.

"I'm convinced... there is no God," said Zack as he placed his palm onto his face.

"Really? Then I know what will cheer you up," said Peter as he turned to the audience, "Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty and the Twitties."

Before they could even start, Zack closes the door as Maddie and Cody run to the scene.

"We know where mom is," said Maddie, "Follow us."

She leads the rest of the family to the door she was told about. Zack reaches for the button that opens the door, before a laser shot in his direction.

"I don't think so," said Pushed Too Far Meg as she pointed her gun to them, "I'm surprised fatass is still alive."

"Hey, Lois may have gained a few pounds but-" said Peter before Zack slaps him in the back of his head.

"Actually, we all are," said Zack, "Seriously, you'd think his stupidity would've gotten him rightfully killed by now..."

"Just what do you want with my baby, you witch?" asked Lois.

"What do I want?" asked Pushed Too Far Meg, "Every universe I've been to, Meg is always made the butt of every joke! What I want is respect for me and my fellow Megs. That's why I'm destroying the multiverse!"

"So that was you who destroyed the universe we were in!" said Tilly.

"That's right," said Pushed Too Far Meg, "With my universal energy syphoner, I will absorb and destroy the multiverse. Then with the energies of the multiverse, I will create an Omniverse on this plane where I will be ruler and no Meg will ever be abused again!"

"Oh no!" said Peter, "She's gonna create a universe where everyone has an ugly redesign and create more plot holes in an attempt to 'fix' continuity?"

"Okay, I don't like Ben 10: Omniverse either(besides Rook), but that was just mean..."," said Zack before he turned to Pushed Too Far Meg, "And as for you, your plan is insane! There are innocent people in those universes!"

"Innocent?" scoffed Pushed Too Far Meg, "Those same innocent people who set themselves on fire? Those innocent people who always say 'shut up Meg'? Those innocent people who laugh at my misery? There are no innocent people!"

"What about people like me?" asked Zack, "In my universe, I love Meg. We made love and created a beautiful baby girl who loves her, too. Believe me, I know the world is a cruel place and I've had fantasies about burning it to the ground just to be rid of the idiots in Quahog, but there is someone out there who loves you!"

"It's too late for that," said Pushed Too Far Meg, "The multiverse is mine and there's no one that can stop me!"

"No one except me," said Zack as he pulled his shotgun from out of his hair and shot the gun fro her hand, "Now where is my wife?"

"Did he just pull his shotgun from out of his hair?" asked Lois.

"That's pretty unrealistic if you ask me," said Brian.

"You know what else is unrealistic?" asked Zack, "A talking dog."

"Touche," said Brian.

"So you think you've stopped me? Think again," said Pushed Too Far Meg as she whistled.

A deep low growl emanated from another room as a stomping noise grew louder. The family frantically looks around the room to figure out where it was coming from. Suddenly the wall behind Pushed Too Far Meg was violently scratched open and from it walked a large demonic anthropomorphic hellhound that looked like Zack. He had glowing yellow eyes, razor sharp teeth, shaggy reddish brown fur, and sharp teeth. His clothes and hair were the same as Zack's except they were bloodstained and tattered.

"Is that... me?" asked Zack in shock.

"Meet my pet," said Pushed Too Far Meg, "I got him from the dog universe."

"Why is your dog counterpart a hellhound?" asked Lois.

"In our universe Satan is my father," said Zack, "So this Zack must've been born half hellhound!"

"His favorite food is human bones," said Pushed Too Far Meg, "Sic em, boy! Kill the fat one first!"

The hellhound let out a fierce roar as he charged towards the family. Peter then steps in front of his family and fights the hellhound, delivering a left and punch. Then a kick and then another punch. The beast then delivers a right punch of his own, sending Peter flying into a wall.

"Crap!" cursed Peter, "I was hoping this was gonna be a chicken fight, not a curbstomp battle!"

The beast zeroes in on Peter, before Zack shoots him in the back multiple times. The bullets, however don't seem to phase him. In fact all they're doing is pissing him off.

"Stop shooting him!" shouted Peter, "You're only making him madder!"

The beast pounces on Zack, swipes his shotgun away, and claws at his chest, drawing blood. The young man holds the beast by the face, keeping the hellacious creature from ripping his throat out. With all his strength, Zack flips the beast over and throws off a nearby ledge. The creature howled as he fell into the dark abyss below.

"That takes care of that," said Zack as he was catching his breath.

"I wouldn't start celebrating just yet," said Lois as she looked over the ledge, "Look!"

Loud metal banging rang from below the abyss. To the family's horror, they saw the hellhound clawing his way back up. He then jumps and stretches his arms from catwalk to catwalk as if they were made of rubber. He does this until he lands in front of the group.

"He has stretchy arms?!" asked Peter, "What the hell is he? A dog or freaking Gumby?!"

"He's like the werehog from Sonic Unleashed!" said Lois.

"Werehog... That's a weird name," said Zack, "That roughly translates to Man Pig. The real term should be Hedgewolf."

"Wouldn't a hedgewolf be a creature who is part wolf and part shrubbery?" asked Lois.

"This conversation would've been relevant in 2008," said Peter boredly.

"Oh look, a lesson on relevancy from Mr.-we-made-an-OJ-Simpson-reference-in-2009," said Zack sarcastically.

CJ then appears from behind the beast and lifts up his shirt.

"Hey, dingo!" He shouted, "How about a nice fat juicy baby?"

"CJ, what are you doing?" asked Chris.

"Saving our fannies..." said CJ in a deep dramatic voice.

"That sounded less badass than it should've," said Peter in a disappointed tone.

"Sorry, but my mom says I'm not allowed to swear," said CJ.

"CJ NO!" shrieked Jillian.

Before Zack could hold her back, his sister rushed past him and made a beeline straight for her son. The hellhound quickly notices this, turns to her direction causing her to stop in her tracks and let out a low growl as he advances towards her. Jillian lets out an angry growl, roars like a bear(as in she sounds like a real bear), and then tackles the beast. In a big ball of violence, blood and fur flies everyone. When the dust clears, Jillian is holding her son as the hellhound was down cold, battered and bruised. She grabs Hellhound Zack by his collar with one arm and holds him close to her face.

"Don't. Fuck. With. My. Kids. EVER!" hissed Jillian as she let him go, "Now get out of my sight!"

Hellhound Zack simply whimpers in response and runs off, yelping like a hurt dog.

"Whoa! Mama Bear: 1 Hellhound: 0," said Tilly impressed.

"And as for you..." said to CJ as she held him close and cried, "Don't _ever_ do that again!"

"Get back here you coward!" shouted the furious twisted Meg as the hellhound ran was.

"Zack!" shouted a familiar voice from the distance.

It was Meg and the various other Megs that were captured. Pushed Too Far Meg smiled deviously at this.

"Ah, my followers," said Pushed Too Far Meg triumphantly, "The only thing that stands between us and our new world order is these fools! Destroy them!"

All the Megs just stand there, glaring angrily at her in defiance.

"I said destroy them!" she shouted again before being met by more defiance, "WHY AREN'T YOU DOING AS I SAY?"

"Because they're not your followers anymore," said Meg.

"We don't want your new world order!" said Criminal Meg.

"We want to make our own destinies," said Hot Meg, "Not follow you!"

"You bring shame and dishonor to us all," said Japanese Meg.

"HA HA HA HA HA!," laughed Peter, "Oh, wow! It's bad enough when everyone else hates you, but when other Megs hate you? Oh, you must really feel sucky!"

Pushed Too Far Meg's face then turned red. Her blood was boiling and her teeth were slightly cracking from gritting them so hard. She then let out an ear piercing scream and tackled Peter.

"YOU BASTARD! I'LL KILL YOU!" She shouted as she pummeled Peter's face into a bloody mess before a few of the other Megs grab her and pin her to the ground.

"Give it up, Meg!" said regular Meg, "It's over."

"Tilly, use the return pad!" said Stewie, "It's time to go home."

Tilly opens up the return pad and attempts to activates it, but it emits a loud buzzer noise.

"Uh oh," said Tilly, "The return pad's not working."

"What do you mean it's not working?" asked Stewie.

"I mean there's nothing to return to!" said Tilly, "Our universe is gone! They're _All_ gone!"

Everyone in the room then gasps.

"You mean these?" asked Pushed Too Far Meg as she pulled out a glowing orb from her robe, "This is the concentrated energy of the entire multiverse!"

"What are you going to do with that?" asked Chris.

"If I can't have the multiverse, then no one can!" she said.

She takes the glowing orb, and swallows it. She soon began to regret this decision as she doubled over, holding her stomach in pain. She was then consumed in a bright flash as her eyes glowed white and her hair was turned pitch black.

"I see everything!" she announced in an echoey voice as she hovered above the ground, "I feel everything! I _AM_ EVERYTHING!"

The Death Meg Space Station suddenly disappears and in it's place was a twisted, mish mashed version of various Quahogs stitched together.

"Holy crap!" said Brian, "She's become a God!"

"So I guess you're gonna start not believing in her too, huh?" asked Cody.

"I am no longer Meg," said Pushed Too Far Meg, "I... Am... Omega! I control everything! And I-"

"Shut up, Omega," said Peter.

"No! YOU shut up!" said Omega as she shot a beam from her finger, turning Peter into an anthropomorphic pig.

"Oh my god!" shouted Peter as he looked at his reflection in a nearby puddle and cried, "I look like you! I used to be one of the beautiful people!"

"I describe you as a lot of things," said Zack, "Beautiful isn't one of them."

Omega then zaps Lois, turning her into an ugly old hag.

"NOOOOO! NOT ME! IT WAS BETTER WHEN IT WAS JUST YOU!" sobbed Lois as she pointed to Peter.

She then zaps Chris, turning him into an anthropomorphic turtle.

"I'm sure this is a Seth Green reference," said Chris, "I'm just not sure what it is."

She zaps Stewie, turning him into a talking football with no body. Then she zaps Brian, turning him into a cat.

"Oh, God!" screamed Brian, "This is a fate worse than death."

"Wow," said Stewie, "You sound like a total bigot right now."

"Omega, stop this!" pleaded Meg, "This is my family you're hurting!"

"You had your chance to join me," stated Omega as she turned to all the other Megs, "You all did! Now you all will die!"

Omega lifts her hand once more and points it towards Meg. Her palm begins to glow red, and a red ball of energy was unleashed.

"Meg! Look out!" shouted Zack as he dashed and jumped in front of his wife.

The energy ball hits him instead and in a bright flash and a loud agonizing scream, Zack was disintegrated into nothing.

"ZACK! NO!" shrieked Meg as tears formed in her eyes.

"Whoa..." said Peter solemnly, "That... was... AWESOME!"

"Peter!" hissed Lois angrily.

"Daddy?" trembled a shocked Maddie who was trying to delude herself into thinking what happened didn't happen.

Cody could only stare in shock. He simply fell to his knees in stunned silence. He remember the first time his dad "died" and he didn't care then, but he didn't really know him at the time. But this time? It was different. The other Megs looked on in sadness and disbelief.

"He's... dead," said Hot Meg.

Meg was taking this the hardest of all. She was beginning to feel a combination of sadness, hopeless, and anger. As tears flowed from her eyes, she furrowed her brow and clenched her fist in anger. She turned towards Omega as she floated towards her.

"Shame about your love...," she said, "But don't worry, you'll soon join him... IN OBLIVION!"

Omega creates another death ball and hurls it towards Meg who closes her eyes and puts her hands up in defense, knowing full well that she was going to die. But then the other Megs quickly form a protective wall in front of her and to their surprise, the deathball had no affect on them.

"What the heck just happened?" asked Maddie as she turned to Tilly for an explanation.

"I think they countered it," said Tilly, "Alone they're just Meg, but together they contain the last remnants of positive multiverse energy!"

"Positive multiverse energy?" asked Brian a little skeptical, "Sounds like something someone just pulled out of their ass at the last minute."

"If they can pull their power together, they might just be able to defeat Omega," said Tilly.

"You heard the kid!" said Criminal Meg as she then turned to Meg, "We have to give all of our energy to you!"

"Me? Why me?" asked Meg.

"Because you gave us all hope," said Japanese Meg.

"And you deserve payback for what Omega did to Zack," said Ron, "Now let's do this!"

Meg simply nods as Ron grabs Hot Meg's hand. Hot Meg grabs Criminal Meg's hand, Criminal Meg grabs Dog Meg's hand, and so on until they all formed a circle around Meg. They all begin to glow and then transform into bright pink energy that is then absorbed into the center Meg's body as _The Touch by Stan Bush _played.

_YOU GOT THE TOUCH!_

_YOU GOT THE POWAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!_

_YEAH!_

"What's going on?" asked Lois.

"The Megs..." said Stewie, "They're all focusing their multiverse energy on our Meg!"

"Is... is that The Touch by Stan Bush playing?" asked Peter, "What the hell? All the awesome fights I get into and it plays for freaking Meg?"

"Just let her have this, dad," said Chris.

Peter responds by groaning in disgust and blowing a raspberry at Chris. Meg transforms into a bright white haired version of the Hot Meg from the Atheist Universe, but was dressed in pink plated metal armor and no hat. She was now Megan.

"Mother of me..." said Maddie in awe, "I'm not implying I'm God. She _is_ my mother."

"Peter! Our little girl has become a goddess," said Lois in astonishment, "Isn't she stunning?"

"Meh..." shrugged Peter.

"Omega!" said Megan as her voice sounded like multiple Megs speaking at once, "It's time for you to pay for your crimes against the multiverse!"

"So you've all banded together to become one," said Omega as she powered up again, "I'll obliterate you like I did that long haired doofus."

"That doofus was my husband!" growled Megan, "And you'll pay for what you did to him!"

Omega points her finger at Megan and fires another reality warping beam. The beam hits Megan in the face, knocking her head back, but she was surprisingly unharmed.

"You're reality warping powers have no effect on me," said Megan.

"Then I guess I'll just have to get rid of you the old fashioned way," said Omega as she cracked her knuckles.

Omega and Megan both charge towards each other at full speed, screaming as they ran. When they get close enough, both Megs throw a punch at each other and upon impact, they create a reality shattering shockwave. The twisted Quahog shatters and transforms into a starry space backdrop. Omega delivers a right punch to Megan, then a left, and then a knee to the face; each impact causing the universe to become dark with a feel of despair. Megan blocks Omega's next strike and hits her with a headbutt, then a kick, then an elbow strike to the nose; each strike causing the universe to become light with a feel of hope. They go at this for a little while until Omega backs away and fires a dark beam. Megan shoots back with a beam of light. Both beams then collide and struggle for supremacy, but within a few seconds Omega's beam gains the edge, inching closer to Megan.

"She's losing!" said Lois worried, "We have to do something!"

"I got this," said Peter as he walked in the middle of the battlefield, stopped, and cleared his throat, "Ahem... Shut up, Meg."

Both Meg's then stop their beam-o-war with Omega looking at Peter in anger.

"What did you just say?" growled Omega.

"I said shut up, Meg..." said Peter, "You know, like I always say to you. Shut up, Meg."

"I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU TO _**DEATH**_!" shouted Omega as she quickly flew towards Peter at full speed.

"MEG! NOW!" shouted Peter.

Megan then rushes towards Omega and with all her might, she punches her in the stomach. This in turn, causes Omega to throw up the stolen multiverse energy. In a large burst of energy, the starry sky turns back into the Death Meg, the Griffins are turned back to normal, and Zack fades back into existence.

"Whoa! Did I just die?" asked Zack before turning to Megan, "Mother of God..."

Megan turns towards Zack and slowly walks to him. Tears well up in her eyes as she hugs him tightly and kisses him. In another bright flash, Megan turns back into Meg as all the other Megs are separated. Pushed Too Far Meg also turns back to normal and falls unconscious.

"I thought you were gone forever," choked Meg as she hugged Zack even tighter.

"I'm guessing I missed something pretty epic," said Zack as he turned to the unconscious Pushed Too Far Meg, "So what do we do about her?"

Then without warning, multiple portals open in the area and from out of them come hundreds of men and women dressed in black suits and sunglasses holding futuristic looking guns. Some of them resembled neighbors such as Cleveland, Quagmire, Joe, Donna, Roberta, and more.

"Oh now what?" asked Lois in annoyance.

One group of the black suits, who resembled the Griffin Family in suits, all circle around Pushed Too Far Meg as their Meg walks up to her, lifts her up and places handcuffs on her.

"Meg of Earth Prime-C," She Multiverse Police Meg said, "You are under arrest for murder, kidnapping, and the destruction of the multiverse."

"Multiverse Police?" asked Stewie, "There's a Multiverse Police?"

"Of Course," said Multiverse Police Officer Stewie, "Our job is to ensure the Multiverse's safety and stability."

"Really?" asked Maddie, "Because you guys sure took your sweet time getting here."

"Oh gee," said Multiverse Police Officer Brian, "That could've been because the multiverse was destroyed!"

"So what happens to her?" asked Zack pointing to the Pushed Too Far Meg.

"She'll stand trial for her crimes against the multiverse," said Multiverse Police Officer Lois, "Then she'll most likely be put in a prison dimension where she won't be able to do any harm ever again."

"And what happens to all these Megs?" asked Lois.

"They'll all be returned to their respective universes," said Multiverse Police Officer Meg, "Their memories will be erased and their deceased Peters will be replaced by clones."

"So I guess they'll all be going back to their miserable lives, then," said Meg with a hint of sadness in her voice.

"Well, I suppose we won't erase _all_ of their memories..." said Multiverse Police Meg as she pulled out a remote and opened a portal, "And as for you, it's time for you to go home. We'll take it from here."

"Well that was one hell of an adventure," said Peter.

"So do you think all those Megs will be alright?" asked Zack.

"I think they'll do just fine..." said Meg with confidence as she and the family walked through the portal home.

_**Epilogue:**_

_(Don't You Forget About Me By Simple Mind plays as accompany still images show pictures of the various Megs and their universes)_

Criminal Meg would take her life experiences and knowledge of crime to become a best selling rapper.

Donkey Meg went on to star in 4 Dreamworks films as a lovable sidekick and land a recurring guest spot on My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Word on the studio is that Donkey Meg and Big Macintosh are getting serious...

Cockroach Meg survived a nuclear war and became the leader of a cockroach utopia.

Through the use of black magic and very expensive plastic surgery, Ursula Meg becomes Vanessa Meg who would then go on to get the attention of all the boys. In a fit of jealousy, Disney Lois bites into a poison apple in an attempt to steal the attention away from her. This worked for about 3 days before everyone went back to ogling Vanessa Meg. Disney Lois only needs a kiss to revive her. Unfortunately, Disney Peter is too busy binge watching on Netflix. This could take a while...

Ron would eventually meet a beautiful blonde girl named Becky. They would then get married and have a beautiful daughter named Madeline. Unfortunately, Madeline was born a hermaphrodite.

Ensign Meg was quickly promoted to Captain after impressing Star Fleet officials for being one of the few redshirts NOT to die under Captain Peter's incompetent command. Captain Peter was demoted to Ensign. In an act of defiance, Ensign Peter left his group during a mission to kill a Gorn in an attempt to regain his Captain status. He was eaten by said Gorn.

Blocky Meg would meet a nice straight lined fellow and have 3 children. Unfortunately, because she drank during her 3rd pregnancy, the third one was born with curves.

Japanese Meg founded a successful video game company known as Megtendo. People would keep saying Megtendo is doomed, but her company would survive every time somehow.

The Conway Twittys were taken into custody by the Multiverse Police Force. They were then crushed and buried in a New Mexico Landfill along with all known records of "Bird is the Word" and all known multiverse counterparts of Conseula, The Phony Guy, and Herbert the Pervert.

Upon return the Griffin-Murdock family attempted to find a working remote control for their internet TV player. After hours of failure the family eventually collectively said "screw this" and bought a Roku instead. Chris almost figured out the Seth Green reference, but guessed the wrong turtle. Venus De Milo? Seriously?

And all the others went on to live happily ever... And as for Pushed Too Far Meg? Meanwhile in the limbo prison, She sits alone carving an M on her wrist.

"I've been in worse places than this..." she said with a villainous slasher grin, "And I've gotten out."

A chilling villainous laugh echoed across the empty realm...

**End Chapter**


	4. The B Next Door

**Chapter 3: The Bitch Next Door**

Maddie and Stewie were standing outside of the pre-school center with their friends Olivia and Janet, waiting for their respective parents to pick them up.

"So you wanna come over to my house?" asked Olivia, "I just got the Frozen DVD. We can keep listening to that _Let It Go_ song and make fun of it with parodies like everyone else."

"I'd love to but I can't," said Maddie, "I have to go to Toys R Us to get the newest Ghastly Ghoulz doll before all the scalpers get to them first. It's the re release of 1st wave Zombella and she costs a fortune on eBay."

Olivia and Janet's parents' cars show up in the school parking lot.

"Well, there's our rides," said Olivia, "Good luck with your doll thing, and see you tomorrow."

"Bye, cookie," said Janet as she and Olivia got into their respective cars.

Maddie begins looking around the parking lot and taps her foot in impatience.

"What's taking mom so long?" asked Maddie.

"She's probably still at home putting on a girdle and her 7th layer of makeup," said Stewie.

"I asked where _my_ mom is not yours," said Maddie.

"My mom? I don't get..." said Stewie before realizing what it meant, "Oh! I see what you meant. You're implying that she's so old that she wears so much makeup to cover her aging wrinkles. That's... that's clever."

At that moment, Brian's Prius drives into the parking lot.

"Brian?" asked Maddie in confusion, "Where's mom."

"Your parents are busy at the pizzeria, so they sent me instead," said Brian before he notices Mrs. Lockhart walking to her car, "Who's that?"

"You _know_ who she is!" said Maddie irritated, "That's Mrs. Lockhart! She stayed with us for a few week after I blew up her house!"

"Convenient plot based amnesia," said Brian.

"Convenient WHAT?!" asked Maddie, "Whatever! Let's just go!"

"Hang on a sec," said Brian as he stepped out the, "I'd like to meet her."

"What the hell is he doing?" asked Maddie in a frustrated manner.

"About to meet to meet his next ex-girlfriend," said Stewie dryly.

Brian walks up to Mrs. Lockhart, who was about to open her car door.

"Hi, I'm Brian Griffin," said Brian, "I'm Maddie and Stewie's dog."

"Nice to meet you," said Mrs. Lockhart, "I'm Mrs. Lockhart."

"I have to say that you're doing a great job being their daycare teacher," said Brian, "I hope they don't give you too much trouble."

"No trouble at all," said Mrs. Lockhart, "Although sometimes, Maddie can be a handful."

"Maddie can be a mischievous little girl sometimes," said Brian, "In fact, I remember one time when she and Stewie-"

"FOR GOD'S SAKE! HE WANTS TO GO OUT WITH YOU!" shouted Maddie from the car.

"Is that true?" asked Mrs. Lockhart.

"Well not go _out_ out..." said Brian, "Maybe a cup of cof-"

"DINNER!" shouted Maddie, "SAY YES, ALREADY!"

"Dinner sounds lovely," said Mrs. Lockhart, "So I'll see you tonight?"

"Well-"

"HE'LL PICK YOU UP AT 8!" shouted Maddie.

"See you then," said Mrs. Lockhart as she got into her car and drove away.

"Huh... Brian Griffin, you are one smooth operator..." said Brian smugly as he slowly strutted to his car.

Maddie then impatiently honks the horn, causing Brian to scream and trip himself. Later that day, the family was having dinner.

"So how was everyone's day?" asked Lois.

"Terrible!" complained Maddie, "By the time Brian drove us to the store, they were sold out of the toy. I had to go to Wal-Mart to get it. I barely wrestle one from some fatass who had a whole bunch of them in one cart along with a bunch of ho-oh's, Cheetos, Twinkies, Skittles, Doritoes, and a diet coke! He almost ate my friggin hand! Luckily, I baited him with an animal cracker Janet gave me earlier."

"See, Lois?" asked Peter, "Americans are getting thinner already!"

"What happened, mom?" asked Maddie, "You said you were going to take me after school!"

"I'm sorry, but it's been a long day," said Meg tiredly, "Work and school..."

"Well, because of your work, the store was almost wiped clean by scalpers," said Maddie, "Scalpers suck. I wish there was a way could round them all up and have them shot."

"Sorry, Maddie, but it's a free market," said Lois, "It's just how Capitalism works."

The Show then pauses as a voiceover says the following words as they appear on the screen.

_**Scalpers: We make Capitalism suck.**_

"Zack, we can't keep running the Pizzeria by ourselves," said Meg, "It's exhausting! We need employees."

"Can't we just get your parents to run the place for a for a week?" asked Zack.

"No!" protested Meg, "We are not letting them run the place again! Not after what happened last time!"

**Flashback**

Peter was dressed as a pizza delivery boy while Lois was behind the counter dressed in a skimpy schoolgirl outfit.

"Here is your pizza, you slutty schoolgirl," said Peter, "Which I find sexy despite schoolgirls being underaged."

"Did you bring the extra _sausage_ like I requested?" asked Lois in a sultry manner.

"Oh, I have your sausage right here," said Peter. as he pulled out a pizza box that was suspiciously over his crotch area.

"Oh my," said Lois, "I hope it's an extra large!"

Before they could get it on, they were interrupted by a male customer who was sitting at one of the tables.

"Sorry to interrupt your erotic fantasy," said the customer, "But I ordered a pizza to go 30 minutes ago!"

"Oh, sorry. Here," said Peter as he pulled the pizza box from his crotch and handed it to the man.

"I still get that extra _sausage_, though, right?" asked the man in a sly manner as Lois and Peter look in surprise.

**End Flashback**

"Seriously, people kept asking for 'extra sausage' for weeks," said Meg.

"Fine, we'll hire more people," said Zack, "But we can only afford to hire two right now. You get to pick one and I get to pick one."

"I'm going to see if I can hire Raven," said Meg, "Who are you going to hire?"

The doorbell then rings.

"That's probably for me," said Zack as he walked to the door and was greeted by Cleveland, "Hi, Cleveland. What brings you here?"

"I was wondering if you could do me a favor," said Cleveland, "My step-daughter Roberta needs a lesson on the value of a dollar and I was wondering if you could let her work at your pizza parlor."

"Does she have experience?" asked Zack.

"Oh sure, she's had plenty of experience in Pizza parlors," said Cleveland, "And in McDonald's and Burger King... Wait you meant experience as in working in them and not experience as in having fornication in their respective bathrooms..."

"Tell me more of these 'experiences' and her various 'positions'..." said Chris as he leaned forward in interest.

"I guess we can hire Roberta," said Meg, "Just tell her to come over tomorrow for an interview."

At that moment, Brian walks downstairs wearing a necktie and holding a bouquet of flowers.

"I'm ready for my date," said Brian, "How do I look?"

"Like a dog wearing a tie," said Zack, "I don't get why human girls want to date you."

"What's so weird about me having human girlfriends?" asked Brian in an annoyed tone.

"Well, you're a dog," said Zack, "If it weren't for the fact that you were sentient and could talk, it would be zoophillia. And it makes the women who go out with you sound like they have no taste. I mean could you imagine the phone calls? Hello mom? I'd like you to meet my new boyfriend. Quick warning: he has fleas."

"There are just some things that can't be explained," said Peter, "Like why there why there are so many loopholes for getting into Heaven."

**Cutaway**

A rapist enters through heaven's gate and is greeted by the lord.

"Welcome to heaven, my child," said God before a woman came into the scene.

"Wait a minute!" she said in anger, "This is the guy who raped and killed me! Why is he allowed in Heaven?"

"He accepted me as his lord and savior before he died," said God, "So now he gets to be in heaven."

"As you can see, I'm a changed man," said the rapist.

"I'm gonna go over there now," said God as he left the area.

The rapist then tackles the woman to the ground and tries to rip off her clothes.

"Now... where were we?" the rapist said evilly before he was grabbed by the collar by the woman's boyfriend who also died, "What the Hell? How were you able to get into heaven after murdering me?"

"I accepted the lord as my savior before I killed myself to get to you," he said before grinning, "Welcome to Hell, asshole!"

He then proceeds to beet the living tar out of the rapist as God turns to the camera and gives a sly smirk.

**End Cutaway**

Later that night, Brian and Lana Lockhart took their date to a fancy restaurant. They were just doing date stuff like talking and eating...

"So why don't you tell me about yourself," said Brian, "How did you end up becoming a preschool teacher?"

"Well as you know, I used to be a high school english teacher until... well, you know..." said Lana.

"I have always wondered," said Brian, "Why did you murder your husband? Was it for the insurance money?"

"Actually, I found out he was cheating on me," said Lana, "He wasn't exactly a saint himself."

"Wow. I'm so sorry," said Brian, "I don't know why any sane man would cheat on such a beautiful woman like you."

"It's alright," said Lana, "Our marriage was falling apart anyway. It turned out we had TOO much in common. I liked men... and so did he, apparently..."

"...Oh..." said Brian in realization.

"Anyway, after I was eventually caught and let go on a technicality, the schools were wary of hiring an ex-fugitive," she continued, "But thanks to a friend, I was eventually able to become a preschool teacher."

"Good for you," said Brian, "I'm a firm believer in giving people second chances."

"I know," said Lana, "Most people would think that going from a high school teacher to preschool would be beneath them, but I love my job. So what do you do for a living?"

"Oh me?" asked Brian, "I'm a writer. I've written and published two novels. Ever heard of _Faster Than The Speed of Love_?"

"Actually, yes," said Lana, "I used it as an example of how _not_ to write a novel on my blog. I didn't know that was you."

"Oh who am I kidding," said Brian as he hung his head in shame, "I'm no writer. I'm just a big fat fraud... A failure!"

"Don't say that," said Lana as she pet him on the head, "With a little help, you could be a great writer."

"How?" asked Brian.

"Well, I used to be an english teacher," said Lana, "And I have a degree in literature. I could help you by offer you some... 'private' lessons."

"Private lessons?" asked Brian in confusion as Lana gave him a sultry wink, "Oh... OH!"

The waiter then comes to their table and hands them their check. Brian is about to pay for it when Lana stops him.

"It's alright. I've got this," she said as she pulled out money from her cleavage.

Suddenly, there was a small thump from under Brian's side of the table.

"What was that your?..." asked Lana.

"LEG! IT WAS MY LEG!" shouted Brian quickly.

A few hours later, Brian returns home, finding that Peter and Lois were still up, watching TV.

"So how was your date, Brian?" asked Lois.

"It was great actually," said Brian, "It turns out we had a few things in common. We both like jazz music, we both share some liberal viewpoints, and we both hate Chris Tucker, but for different reasons. She just finds him annoying and I... well, you know..."

"Because he's black," said Peter.

"Yeah, I'm still working on that..." said Brian.

"So, did you climb her mountains yet?" asked Peter, "You know, explore her large hills? Conquer her Alamos? Fall into the booby trap?... Did you plow her and her very large breasts yet?"

"Peter, I want to take this relationship slow," said Brian, "I don't want to ruin it like I did the others."

"What the hell, Brian?" asked Peter, "I thought you just wanted to go out with her so you could have sex because she looked like an easy floozy."

"I thought so, too," said Brian, "But Lana is a very interesting woman and I feel a connection with her. I think I'm actually in love with her."

"I'd be careful if I were you," said Lois, "This is the same woman who murdered her ex-husband and got away with it."

"You're one to talk about being careful who you date..." said Brian, "Valerie told about me about how you went out with that ex-con during high school."

**Flashback**

A teenage Lois was in the car with a man with a mohawk wearing a leather coat with ripped jeans and had a snake tattoo on his face.

"So what were you in prison for?" asked Lois.

"Rape," he said.

"Oooh, someone's definitely not a virgin...," said Lois in a seductive manner.

**End Flashback**

The next afternoon, Meg and Zack had Raven and Roberta seated in the break room in front of a TV.

"Congratulation on passing your interviews," said Meg, "And welcome to Murdock's Pizza."

"Whatever," said Roberta, "I'm just here because my dumbass step-father won't give me money anymore."

"Yeah, poor you," said Raven, "Having to actually earn something through work instead of your good looks."

"I should be angry for your sarcasm," said Roberta, "But you called me good looking so I like you. I'm Roberta Tubbs."

"Sasha Raven Blackenski," said Raven as she shook her hand, "I'm friends with Meg."

"Really?" asked Roberta, "Let's all hang out after this."

"And now that that's out of the way, today is your first day of training," said Zack, "All employees are required to watch this training video."

Zack turns on the TV and pops in a vhs tape in the VCR.

**Cutaway to TV**

Funky 80's music begins to play as it cuts to shots of a Peter's silhouette dancing while whispering "Hot Pizza". The camera then cuts to a shot of some pizza. Then a shot of Peter's hands clapping. Then it cuts to Peter singing and dancing in an old Pizza Hut uniform. (If you don't get this, look up The Wendy's Training Video Hot Drinks on Youtube)

_Cheese, peppers, sausages, mushrooms, pepperoni_

_We serve these toppings and more but not bologna_

_Our pizzas come in 3 sizes,_

_Small, large, and medium. No weird surprises._

_Our pizza's cooking time is 20 minutes that's how long_

_If it stays for more than that then you just cooked it wrong_

_Hot... Hot... careful when you take it out_

_Put it in the box but if it burns make a shout_

_Cut the pizza until the slices count to 8._

_Put the lid on it._

_Get this bad boy out the gate!_

_Man our Pizzas taste so great!_

_Hot Pizzas, really get you movin'._

_Our tangy pizza sauce will have your taste buds groovin'_

_At this restaurant we always serve them right away._

_Add a smile and have a nice day._

**End Cutaway**

"I didn't know Mr. Griffin did training videos in the 80s," said Roberta.

"He didn't," said Meg, "My dad recorded this last week in our basement."

"That man really loves obscure 80s and 90s references," said Zack, "You should see 'Don't Whore-ent that torrent'."

A little later, Zack was guiding Roberta and Raven through the freezer room.

"And this is the freezer room," said Zack, "We store leftover pizzas here to reheat as our hot n' to go pizzas."

"Four of the boxes are missing," said Raven pointing to a gap of missing pizza boxes.

"Oh no! Not again!" said Zack in frustration.

"Look what they left behind," said Roberta picking up an orange item from the ground, "It's a nunchuck?"

"I know who took them!" said Zack as he ran outside to scream at the top of his lungs, "Cowabunga? MORE LIKE COWARD-BUNGA!"

A few nights later, Brian was on his way to Lana's house to pick her up for their next date. He was driving while talking on his cell phone.

"I'll be there in 15 minutes," said Brian, "I hope you're in the mood for seafood because I'm in the mood for a fish taco tonight. Yeah, we're going to Red Lobsters.

As he is talking on his cell phone, he unknowingly runs a red light. A few seconds later, a police car follows him as it's sirens blare loudly in the night.

"Son of a bitch... I gotta do" said Brian as he turned off his cellphone and pulls over.

Joe wheels out from the police car to Brian's car as the dog rolls down his window.

"Where's the fire, Brian?" asked Joe, "I saw you run a red light back there and talking on your cell phone."

"I'm sorry, Joe," said Brian, "I didn't realize the light was red. It won't happen again."

"You're darn right it won't" said a female voice from the car.

"Wait, I recognize that voice..." said Brian.

Out of the car steps a short female redheaded cop. When she walks up to the car, it turns out that she is a dog... a literal dog. A red collie... Yes, it's Brian's ex-girlfriend/stalker Brianne.

"Oh my God!" said Brian in horror.

"Oh... hello, Brian," said Brianne in a professional manner, "Step out of the car..."

"What? Why?" asked Brian.

"I noticed that your car was swerving a little when you ran that light," said Brianne, "Now step out of the car."

He does what he is told.

"What the heck is going on here?" asked Brian.

"This is my new partner, Brianne," said Joe, "She just joined the force as our new police dog. It sounds like you two have already met."

"We used to date," said Brianne.

"Whatever crime it is I did, I will gladly pay my fine," said Brian, "But I really have to go. I'm going to be late for my date."

"Such a shame," said Brianne unapologetically as she gave him a breathalyzer, "Have you been drinking?"

"I might've had a few martinis," said Brian as Brianne took the breathalyzer and examined it.

"Looks like you're under arrest for driving under the influence," said Brianne as she handcuffed the male white dog.

"What? That's impossible!" exclaimed Brian, "I'm not even drunk."

"According to this you are," said Brianne as she showed him the breathalyzer, "And we have a zero tolerance policy on drunk driving."

"Come on, Joe!" pleaded Brian, "Can't you just let me off with a warning? We've been friends for years."

"Sorry, Brian," said Joe, "But I can't keep turning a blind eye on your antics anymore. Especially not Peter. Seriously, he's gotten away with a lot of crap..."

Peter runs to the scene covered in blood.

"Hey, Joe," said Peter, "I just came up with the greatest dead baby joke ever. Okay, a mother and a fat guy are at a bus stop-"

Brianne quickly tazers Peter to ground as he begins twitching in pain. Meanwhile at the pizzeria, Zack and Meg had Raven and Roberta at the front of the store for more training.

"Your next training lesson is on robberies," said Zack.

"We're going to teach you what to do in case a burglar tries to hold up the store," said Meg.

"In an unrelated note, I'm going to go check on inventory," said Zack as he went to the back room.

A few moments later, a man in a ski mask who looked suspiciously like Zack shows up in the store with a gun.

"Nobody move!" said the robber, "This is a robbery!"

"Take anything you want!" said Meg as she raised her hands, "Don't hurt us!"

"Like hell you will!" said Roberta as she and Raven tackled the burglar.

They both pummel the man merciless, until he starts bleeding. He then tries to crawl away, but not before Raven beats him unconscious with a pizza pan.

"STOP! STOP!" shouted Meg before running to the man, "It's Zack! It was just a test! Zack, are you okay?"

Zack then comes in from the back room.

"Meg, I can't find my ski mask," said Zack before noticing the unconscious man, "Who the hell is this guy?"

Later than night, everyone was having dinner as Brian explained what happened.

"And not only was I arrested and late for my date, but I also have to go to traffic school for a week," said Brian, "I'm just glad Lana understood and didn't dump me."

"Well that's what happens when you drink and drive," said Lois.

"I wasn't even that drunk," said Brian, "I'm telling you, Brianne is out to get me. She's more petty than the GOP."

"We get it, you hate conservatives," said Zack, "I hate most of them, too, but you don't hear me going on about it."

"I swear, if I never see Brianne again, it'll be too soon," said Brian.

At that moment, the door rang. Lois answers it and she sees Joe, Bonnie, and little Suzy.

"Joe? Bonnie? What brings you here?" asked Lois.

"We just wanted to let you know that we have a new member of the Swanson family," said Bonnie.

"Everyone, meet Brianne Swanson," said Joe as Brianne came to the forefront.

"Oh God no," said Brian in horror.

"Hello, everyone," she said cheerfully before turning to Brian in and said in a bitter tone, "Hello Brian..."

"What's that bitch doing here?" asked Brian.

"Rude..." said Joe, "Brianne doesn't really have anywhere to stay."

"That's why we decided to adopt her as Joe's helper dog," said Bonnie.

"That's awesome," said Peter, "I remember when I had a helper animal once."

**Flashback**

Lois walks into the living room and sees that Peter is sitting on the couch with a tiger.

"What the hell is this?" asked Lois.

"This is my helper tiger, Simba," said Peter.

"Why the hell did you buy a helper tiger?" asked Lois.

"He helps me..." said Peter, "Kill people!"

Meg walks into the room.

"Has anyone seen Zack?" she asked.

"He's around," said Peter.

The Tiger then burps out Zack's green flannel shirt.

**End Flashback**

The next day, Brian returns home from a long day of traffic school. As he walks into the living room, he notices that Brianne and the entire family were sitting on the couch chatting and laughing.

"And then I said to him 'That wasn't my hot sister! That was my owner's leg!" finished Brianne as everyone laughed except Stewie.

"You still creep me the fuck out," said Stewie.

"What the hell is she doing here?" asked Brian.

"She just came to get some sugar and we just started chatting for hours," said Lois.

"Yeah, Brianne is actually very interesting," said Meg, "She's been to Japan, New York, she can sing..."

"And she's a talking dog!" laughed Chris.

"I don't know why you'd let a perfect catch like her go," said Lois.

"That's because you don't know her like I did," said Brian, "Did she tell you about the creepy phone messages or when she painted that message on the garage door."

"He's right," said Brianne, "I used to be Brian's stalker, but I've changed and I'm sorry for all those things I did to you."

"See, Brian?" asked Lois, "She said she was sorry."

"Don't tell me you believe that crap!" said Brian, "You'd have to be more gullible than Peter was when Zack tricked him into that treasure hunt."

**Cutaways**

Peter was digging around a beach with a shovel.

"Are you sure Redbeard's hidden treasure is buried here?" asked Peter.

The camera pans to reveal that the beach Peter is digging around is actually a restricted minefield area.

"I'm sure. Keep digging," said Zack as he was relaxing on a lawnchair far away.

**End Cutaways**

"Brian!" scolded Lois, "She's a guest in our home and you'll treat her like one."

"It's okay, Lois," said Brianne, "He'll forgive eventually."

"Oh I see what you're doing," said Brian, "Using your fake charm to make everyone like you so that they'll all be oblivious and them BAM, one day I'm missing. But it can't be because of good old Brianne. She's too sweet and she's over Brian. Brianne isn't even your real name! You changed it so it would sound close to mine. Brianne Griffith. In fact, everything you've ever done was based on me just so we could have some things in common. Did you tell them about the robotic duplicates you made of the family or how you spied on them just to get them right? Huh? Did you tell them about how you went into their garbage? Not only are you a creep but you're a fraud. Your life is a lie."

Brianne's eyes well up and she runs out of the house, sobbing. Everyone then turns to Brian with angry looks on their faces.

"Brian, that was mean!" said Meg angrily.

"Yeah! What the hell's wrong with you?" asked Zack.

"Unbelievable!" said Lois.

"I'm mad at you because everybody else is mad at you!" said Peter.

"Oh, poor that poor girl," said Lois, "You owe her an apology!"

"Are you kidding?" asked Brian, "After what that bitch put me through, she owes ME an apology!"

Brian then storms out of the living room and upstairs. The next day, Brian was helping Lana carry a bag of groceries out of the store to her car.

"Thank you for coming along with me to the store," said Lana, "But did you really have to threaten to pee on the counter?"

"I wanted to mark my territory," said Brian, "And that guy in the other line was totally going to cut in front of us."

As they walk to Lana's car, they notice a boot was locked onto one of her car's front wheels and there were a bunch of parking tickets on her windshield.

"My car!" cried Lana as she noticed a handicap sign in the parking space, "This wasn't a handicap spot before!"

"Brianne!" growled Brian.

"Who?" asked Lana.

"She's my former stalker/ex-girlfriend turned cop," said Brian, "She must've done this to get back at me for last night!"

"I'm sure this is all just a misunderstanding," said Lana, "I'll just pay the parking tickets and-"

"You can't just give in to her demands!" said Brian, "This is a bigger abuse of police authority than when they stopped Sonic the Hedgehog for speeding."

**Cutaway**

Sonic the Hedgehog was running along a highway when a cop car's siren blazes behind him.

"Aw, son of a bitch," Sonic mutters to himself before stopping at the side of the road, "Problem, officer?"

"Don't sass me, boy," said the officer, "You were speeding."

"I was going the speed limit," said Sonic, "That sign says its a 70 mile highway."

The officer then shoots the sign down.

"What sign?" he asks.

Mario then blatantly speeds past the officer and Sonic in his go kart while screaming "Wahoo!".

"Hey! That guy just went WAY over 100 mph," said Sonic, "AND he was doing mushrooms!"

"Don't make me pull out my nightstick, boy," said the policeman.

**End Cutaway**

The next day at the Pizzeria, Zack and Meg were handing Raven and Roberta their employee uniforms.

"You training is now complete," said Zack, "You two are now the newest employees of Murdock's Pizzeria.

"That's awesome," said Roberta, "And now I quit."

"What? Why?" asked Meg.

"Thanks to your paid training, I got enough money to buy those designer jeans I wanted," said Roberta, "Later, suckers!"

Roberta then leaves the store. A few minutes later she comes right back.

"I saw a Gucci bag I want," said Roberta, "Can I be an employee again?"

"Okay, but you have to watch the training video again," said Zack.

"Goddammit..." muttered under her breath,

"Lucky," said Raven before she was met with stares by everyone else, "What? The song is catchy."

Meanwhile at Spooner Street, Brian and Stewie were going to the Swanson house to confront Brianne.

"Brianne is ruining my relationship!" complained Brian, "Today she put a boot on Lana's car just for parking crooked! You know, it's one thing to get back at me, but she's gone too far picking on Lana!"

"It's like they say, Brian; 'payback's a bitch'," said Stewie, "In your case, it's a literal bitch."

"That was the last straw!" said Brian, "I'm going to demand that she get that boot off and get out of my life!"

"Are you insane?" asked Stewie, "She IS the law. Plus she gives me the creeps. Ever seen a girl lick a bloody scarf? It's not as sexy as it sounds. Unless you're into guro... How do some people find guro sexy anyway? I mean it's people being mutilated and there's blood and organs everywhere. And the body's decomposing so it's disease ridden so you're just going to make yourself sick by being near it and then there's the bowels releasing. Oh and don't get me started on scat... it's just a bunch of random nonsense like scoobedoobedoobebedebop. It's not real music."

Brian angrily pounds the door, but the door is strangely unlocked and opens slightly by itself. The lights were off and the curtains were closed.

"Hello?" asked Brian unsure of himself. He then walked in the kitchen and was shocked by what he saw, "OH MY GOD! BRIANNE!"

Brianne was hanging by her neck on a noose. Brian quickly grabs a knife from the kitchen and cuts the rope. He places his ear close to her chest and hears a faint heartbeat.

"She's still alive," said Brian, "We have to get her to a hospital!"

"You know, that was an excellent Meg impersonation," said Stewie, "She looked just like her."

"Brianne's a dog," said Brian.

"Exactly," said Stewie.

"I HEARD THAT!" shouted Maddie from the Griffin house, "I'LL KICK YOUR ASS IF YOU THAT AGAIN!"

Later at the hospital, the Griffins, Murdocks, and Swansons were in the waiting room waiting for an update on Brianne's condition. Mr. Hartman walks into the room with a grim look on his face.

"Dr. Hartman, will she be alright?" asked Joe.

"Hard to say," said Dr. Hartman, "Right now, Brianne is in a coma and there's no telling when she'll wake up if ever."

Lois then turns to Brian with a bitter look on her face.

"Looks like you'll be getting your wish, Brian," said Lois.

"Wow, talk about lucky," said Stewie, "She's getting out of your life AND you'll get the last laugh."

"But I didn't want this..." said Brian, "I wanted Brianne to leave not die. I feel terrible."

"Just what were you doing at our house?" asked Bonnie, "Didn't you make her feel bad enough yesterday?"

"I just wanted to talk to her about putting that boot on Lana car," said Brian.

"Brianne didn't put that boot on her car," said Joe sheepishly, "I did..."

"Wait, you?" asked Brian.

"Yeah, I was so mad at what you did to Brianne that I did what I did," said Joe, "I also may have put some weed and a dead hooker in the trunk..."

"Well there's the sex, lies, and drugs..." said Brian.

"I'm sorry, Brian. I don't know what I was thinking," said Joe, "Brianne was the best thing to happen to our family. Not only is she a good helper dog to me, but she's great with helping Bonnie around the house, she can calm Kevin down during his PTSD episodes, and she's great with Suzy. I just don't know how we can go back to living without her..."

"I think I need to go talk to Brianne," said Brian as he walked into her hospital room alone.

He sees Brianne lying on a hospital bed hooked up to a machine. Brian's stomach turned at the sight of this as he felt that he was responsible. He takes a chair and sits next to the female collie.

"Brianne, it's me," said Brian, "I don't know if you can hear me, but I just want to say that I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you like that. All I thought about was how you were affecting me and not about how you affected others. If you wake up, I promise to give you a second chance."

Much to Brian's shock, Brianne began to slowly open her eyes.

"Brian?" she asked weakly, "Where am I."

"You're at the hospital," said Brian, "You were in a short coma after trying to kill yourself. I'm sorry about what I said about you last night."

"No. Everything you said about me was right," said Brianne, "My entire life is a sham. All I ever wanted to do was be like you. You were more than my crush; you were my idol."

"Idol? Really?" asked Brian, "You mean you praised me like a God? I'm actually rather flattered."

"Wait, seriously?" asked Brianne, "You don't believe in God, but you want to be one? Pretentious much?"

"Sorry," said Brian, "I want to know why did you look up to me so much?"

"It all started when I was a little over 3 years old," said Brianne, "About 21 in dog years..."

**Flashback**

Years ago at the Quahog Cabana Club, Brianne was sitting at a bar by herself reading a book. She had her hair in a ponytail and wore thick glasses, a sweater vest, and had braces on her teeth.

_I was your typical bookworm geek girl... I had no friends, no confidence, no real goals, and I was kinda ugly... I was going to college to become a dentist like my parents wanted. My life was just so safe and boring... I went to the Quahog Cabana one day to have my usual non-alcoholic mocktail when I heard the most beautiful voice coming from the stage. It was you singing with Frank Sanatra Jr. and that stupid little annoying baby you hang out with. The boy one. Not the girl one who was born recently-ish. Your voice had this confidence and devil may care attitude. I was so inspired that I wanted to be just like you._

**End Flashback**

"Eventually my admiration became an obsession," said Brianne, "I didn't just admire you, I wanted to **be** you and be **with** you. I started learning everything about you and changed everything about myself to be more like you including my name..."

"I'm curious," said Brian, "What is your real name?"

"My parents were real Lassie fans," said Brianne, "So they named me Timmy."

"Timmy?" asked Brian.

"Timmy Lassie Griffith," said Brianne "My dad really wanted a boy. He's such an idiot..."

"I didn't know Griffith was your real last name..." said Brian.

"I know. Crazy, huh?" said Brianne, "Anyway... after you rejected me, I snapped .I guess it's true what they say; never meet your heroes. After you faked being a conservative, I decided that I wanted to make my own life and shed everything about myself that reminded me of you. That's one of the reasons I became a cop."

"And then we ran into each other again..." said Brian.

"It was eventually going to happen," said Brianne, "I was going to dye my fur and change my name so that when I moved in with the Swansons you wouldn't recognize me and I'd just fade into the background. But then you started driving drunk..."

"I wasn't even that drunk," protested Brian.

"Or maybe you've been drinking so much for so long that you can't tell whether you're sober or not," said Brianne.

"I guess that's a very plausible but extremely small possibility..." said Brian.

"I just hope that teacher you're going out with knows what she's getting herself into," said Brianne.

"What are you talking about?" asked Brian.

"The fact that you're a shallow prick," said Brianne.

"I'm not shallow," said Brian.

"Let's not kid ourselves," said Brianne, "There were a lot of girlfriends you've dated just for sex; Jillian, the blind girl, that abusive pre-school teacher, and that buxom teacher you're currently dating."

"Hey, I love Lana for more than her boobs," said Brian.

"Do you, really?" asked Brianne, "I'll bet those were the reasons you even went out with her in the first place."

"Maybe, but I still think there's something between us," said Brian.

"If you say so..." said Brianne, "I wish you two the best of luck."

"Before I go, I want to see one more thing," said Brian.

"And what's that?" asked Brianne.

"I want to see the real you," said Brian as he handed her a random pair of glasses and a scrunchie.

"Are you sure?" asked Brianne, "Or is this some way to get back at me one last time?"

"I'm just curious," said Brian.

Brianne then puts on the glasses and ties her hair into a ponytail.

"So what do you think?" asked Brianne.

"I think you look... beautiful..." said Brian.

He then leans into her and plants a kiss on her lips. Surprisingly she kisses back for a few seconds before they both quickly pull away from each other and laugh nervously.

"Um.. wow," chuckled Brian, "Where did that come from."

"Yeah... crazy..." she chuckled nervously."

Stewie and Maddie then walk into the room and notice Brianne in her glasses.

"Meg? What are you doing here?" asked Stewie before Maddie kicked him hard in the butt.

"I warned you," she said.

The very next day, Brianne was sitting on the steps of the Swanson home reading a newspaper when Brian shows up. He notices that Brianne is a wearing a new pair of thin framed glasses.

"So... are those new glasses?" asked Brian, "They look good on you."

"Yeah... I've never cared for contacts," said Brianne, "They're real a pain when they slide under your eyelids. Dog nails plus eyeballs equals hell..."

"Listen, about that kiss at the hospital..." said Brian.

"Yeah, it's better if we forget about that," said Brianne, "No need to open a can of heartworms..."

"So um... friends?" asked Brian as he extended his hand.

"Friends," said Brianne as she shook his hand.

"I was thinking I could take you for a cup of coffee," said Brian, "I'd like to get to know the _real_ Brianne."

"I'm flattered, but I'll have decline," said Brianne,"Besides, I already have a boyfriend,"

A convertible stops right in front of her and driving it is Vinny. Yes, it's Vinny the dog that replaced Brian when he died(but didn't).

"You ready for our date, Brianne?" asked Vinny.

"I'm coming," she said before turning to Brian, "I'm having Italian tonight for dinner AND dessert."

She gets in the car and they drive off. Brian is relieved, but he also feels a hint of disappointment. Stewie then walks by.

"I suppose that's that, then," said Stewie, "So how do you feel?"

"I'm relieved that Brianne has moved on from me," said Brian, "But at the same time, I'm actually a little disappointed."

"So let me get this straight," said Stewie, "You're in love with Brianne again?"

"I don't know," said Brian, "I mean I only knew the old Brianne, but I don't know much about the _real_ Brianne. And what I _do_ know, I like..."

"Maddie's right," said Stewie, "Love is weird... So What about Mrs. Lockhart?"

"I dunno..." said Brian, "I might just break up with her. She deserves someone better than me. Someone who will appreciate her and not just use her for sex. I'm going to go over to her house right now and tell her that it's over."

Later that night at Mrs. Lockhart's house, Lana was asleep in Brian's arm as they were both naked under the covers.

"God, I'm scum," said Brian in self loathing.

**End Chapter**


	5. Jillian the Weather Girl

**Chapter 4: Jillian The Weather Girl**

_**(Quick Author's Note: This chapter didn't come out as good as I hoped it would since I had to rush some things, but I hope you like it regardless)**_

The day started normally, but not at the Griffin home. This time our story begins at Jillian's apartment. In the kitchen, the twins, Tilly and CJ, were sitting to breakfast while their mother Jillian was sorting through the mail. As she thumbed through the envelopes, CJ was getting himself another bowl of cereal.

"CJ, that's your third bowl of Sugar Covered Sugar bits," said Jillian.

"Yeah, eating all that sugar isn't good for your health," said Tilly.

"But they taste so good, I can't help myself!" said CJ, "It even comes with a prize!"

Tilly grabs the box and takes a closer look at it.

"A free coupon for 50 percent off your next Coronary Bypass Surgery," read Tilly, "Medicare users prohibited."

"And if you mail in two proofs of purchases plus shipping and handling, they send you a free diabetes monitor," said CJ.

"Mom, get him off this stuff before he kills himself," said Tilly.

"I'd love to but mommy is too busy sorting through the mail," said Jillian, "Hey, we have a letter from someone named E. Viction. What do you think the E stands for? I hope it's Eddy!"

"Mom, that's an eviction notice!" said Tilly as she opened the letter.

"Why does E. Viction need somebody to notice him?" asked CJ, "How are we supposed to notice him if we don't know what he looks like."

"Eviction isn't a person you diabetic dumbass!" said Tilly frustratingly, "It means we're being kicked out!"

"We're gonna get kicked out?" asked CJ in confusion, "Why?"

"It says here that the rent is overdue and we have 10 days to pay it off," said Tilly, "Mom, I thought you paid the rent! What did you do with the rent money?"

**Flashback**

A few days ago while Tilly and CJ were at preschool, Jillian was watching TV in the living room when the door started knocking. When she answered, there stood Jim Kaplan the salesman.

"Excuse ma'am, but may I interest you in some carbon dioxide insurance?" asked Kaplan.

"Carbon dioxide insurance?" asked Jillian.

"Every year, people die from asphyxiation," said Kaplan, "Every time you breathe out, you replace the air with deadly carbon dioxide which we cannot breathe."

"But everybody breathes out all the time," said Jillian.

"But how long until it catches up to us?" asked Kaplan

"I'LL TAKE IT!" shouted Jillian.

**End Flashback**

"YOU BLEW THE RENT MONEY ON CARBON DIOXIDE INSURANCE?!" shouted Tilly in frustration, "CARBON DIOXIDE INSURANCE?!"

"You'll thank me when this Carmen Darkside lady takes over the world," said Jillian.

"We better go to grandma and grandpa's house and if they can help us," said Tilly.

Later at the Griffin house, Jillian is explaining her situation to the entire family.

"Jillian, that's terrible!" said Lois.

"So what are you gonna do?" asked Meg.

"I don't know," said Jillian worriedly, "I haven't been making much money lately."

"Have you thought about getting a new job?" asked Zack, "You're a single mom, and being a freelance photographer doesn't seem to bring much bacon to the table."

"Yeah, and it doesn't bring much money, either," said Jillian, "But where am I gonna find a new job."

"I know!" said Chris excitedly, "You can work with me and Carl at the Mini Mart!"

"That's a great idea!" said Jillian, "We'll get to work together!"

"Whoopee..." said Lois unenthusiastically, "My son will be working with a hot woman he once impregnated by accident. I swear this how most hardcore porn starts..."

"I'll talk to Carl tomorrow," said Chris, "If things go right you'll just have to take a drug test."

"A drug test?" groaned Jillian, "Now I'm going to have to stay up all night studying if I want to pass this test."

"It's not that kind of test, mom," said Tilly.

"So it's open book, then?" asked Jillian.

"...Yes, mom. it's an open book test," said Tilly sarcastically in defeat.

"Anyway, I hope you get the job," said Peter, "Just be careful when you deal with foreign customers. I still remember the experience I had with that immigrant during my customer service job at Wal Mart."

**Flashback**

Peter is at customer service attending to Schnitzel from _Chowder_.

"And you are returning this blender because?" asked Peter.

"Radda Radda Radda, Radda Radda," said Schnitzel.

"I am sorry sir, but I can't understand a word you are saying," said Peter, "I can't take this anyway. You need a receipt."

"Radda?" asked Schnitzel.

"Receipt! Receipt! You need one of THESE to return this," said Peter as he showed him a receipt.

"Radda Radda Radda! Radda Radda Radda! Ra Radda!" shouted Schnitzel.

"No, I have to see a receipt!... God, why do I always get the foreign people?" asked Peter to himself, "You, need, a, receipt! No receipt, no return!"

"RADDA RADDA RADDA!" shouted Schnitzel.

"Okay, who around here knows German?" asked Peter.

**End Flashback**

A few days later at the Mini Mart, Jillian is being briefed by Carl about the basics of her new job. She is also wearing a blue vest, similar to the ones that both Chris and Carl wear.

"And this is the magazine rack," said Carl, "When they get messed up, you have to arrange them in alphabetical order."

"Do I have to arrange them in order of prettiest celebrity to ugliest?" asked Jillian.

"No," said Carl, "Why would you need to do that?"

"Well I was thinking that people will buy them more if they see the pretty celebrities," said Jillian, "Then the less pretty ones can stay behind the pretty ones and the ugly ones stay in the back of the rack."

"This girl..." said Carl, "She gets it."

"Told you she was a genius," said Chris, "She's like Einstein with boobs."

"Yeah, look at those atomic bombs," said Carl, "I bet those would've made the Japanese surrender."

"I don't think this kind of talk is appropriate for work," said Jillian, "I mean, Albert Einstein with boobs? That's just weird. But my boobs are great, aren't they?"

"Yeah, they are," said Carl, "I mean look at them."

"These babies have passed every boob inspection ever," said Jillian, "Zack says they're a scam just to grope me, but I think he's just jealous because he's flat chested."

"And the boner is gone..." said Chris disappointed.

A few days later, Zack, Meg, and Maddie go to the Quahog Mini-Mart to get a few things and see how Jillian was doing.

"Hey Jillian," greeted Meg.

"Hey, guys," said Jillian, "Do you guys want an Icee? It's like a Slurpee except there's no pee or slurping in it whatsoever."

"We just wanted to check on how you were doing," said Zack, "So how's the new job?"

"This job is so much fun!" said Jillian excitedly, "I don't get why you were always complaining about being a clerk."

"No I liked my job..." said Zack, "Aside the fact that I was robbed and shot on a daily basis... and punched by rude customers... and my car was vandalized by teenagers... and I was yelled at a lot by our asshole dad who was my boss everyday who looked for any excuse to dock my pay... How could I hate my job?"

"The best part is that there's even a TV in the break room," said Jillian, "Yesterday, I saw the greatest show ever!"

**Flashback**

Jillian walks into the break room and turns on the TV. On the TV she sees black and white footage of Chris and Carl on the store counter.

"Hey! Chris and Carl are on TV!" said Jillian, "This must be some sort of new reality show."

On the screen, two masked burglars show up and point a gun at Chris and Carl. Carl activates the silent alarm, but one of the thugs notice this and begin beating the crap out of him. Chris tries to help Carl, but gets his ass kicked as well.

"I should call the police!" said Jillian before she stopped herself, "No no... Zack says that TV isn't real and the cops will just yell at me again like they did when Scooby Doo was being chased by monsters. It'll all work out in the end."

**End Flashback**

"The ending was very disappointing though," said Jillian, "The bad guys got away. I hate karma houdinis!"

At that moment, TV news anchor Tom Tucker walks into the store.

"Hey Carl," said Tom, "Give me the usual: a pack of Marlboro cigarettes, a hardcore pornography magazine, and a case of mustache gel."

"Hey, you're Tom Tucker!" said Jillian, "I see you TV! How did you get out?"

"Wait a minute, you're not Carl," said Tom.

"No, I'm Jillian," she said, "I'm new."

"Say, have you ever been on TV before?" asked Tom.

"Well I did do a commercial for acne cream as a teen," said Jillian, "But I was fired because I ended up looking better than the 'after' girl."

"Well you have a face that's perfect for TV," asked Tom, "Have you ever thought about being a weather girl? Ollie's going to be leaving soon and we could use a new weather personality to replace him. Isn't that right, Ollie?"

"I'M GOIN TO FLORIDA!" shouted Ollie who was outside in front of the store for some reason.

"Thanks Ollie," replied Tom.

"I don't know," said Jillian unsure, "I don't know much about weather other than that it rains because God is crying or taking a pee and that snow is God's dandruff."

"Is wind just God farting?" asked Maddie.

"Yes," said Jillian, "But it doesn't smell bad because he's God."

"You don't have to know much about weather," said Tom, "All you have to do is stand in front a green screen, read from a teleprompter, and look pretty."

"I can do those things!" said Jillian before she became disappointing, "Wait, I already have a job..."

"You should totally do it!" said Chris.

"Yeah, Jillian," said Meg, "This is a once in a lifetime opportunity!"

"Hey, what's going on out here?" asked Carl as he came to the counter.

"Mr. Tucker is offering me a job as a weather girl," said Jillian, "So I'm thinking about quitting."

"You sure you want to do that?" asked Carl, "It just wouldn't be the same without you."

"I'm sorry, Carl," said Jillian, "But this is one of those once in a lifetime opportunities. I may never get an offer like this again."

"That's understandable," said Carl, "I've had dreams myself. I could've been a coach or a spy or owner of a burger restaurant, but because I never really followed them, here I am. Jillian, you go out there and follow your dream. You be the best damn weather girl you can be."

"Thank you, Carl!" said Jillian as she hugged her boss and then turned to Tom Tucker, "Mr. Tucker, I'll take that job!"

"You start next week," said Tom as he handed her a basket, "Here's your official Quahog 5 welcome basket and a complimentary Tom Tucker mustache."

"No thanks. I already have a mustache," said Jillian.

"I don't see your mustache," said Tom.

"It's in a secret place..." whispered Jillian.

Later that night as Peter, Lois, Chris, Stewie, Meg, Zack, Maddie, Cody, Tilly, and CJ were watching TV, Jillian walks in from the front door dressed in a woman's business suit.

"Guess who just became the newest channel 5 weather girl?" asked Jillian.

"Chris told us about that. Congratulations, Jillian," said Brian.

"You?" asked Lois, "They hired you to be a weather girl? You don't know the first thing about meteorology!"

"That is so not true," said Jillian, "I know that meteors come from outer space and, contrary to the name, are not made of meat. Thanks Tilly."

Tilly responds by giving her mother a silent stoic thumbs up.

"Not only that," said Chris, "They said that all she has to do is stand in front of a green screen, read from a teleprompter, and look pretty."

"Congratulation on meeting one out of three requirements," said Lois, "Looking pretty."

"Lois, leave her alone," said Zack, "She knows how to read... mostly."

"Wait, I know that tone!" said Jillian, "You say words like that when you think I'm stupid!"

"No! I'm just saying that you probably should take a job that's easier for someone like you," said Zack, "Like staying at the mini mart."

"Or being a Hooter's girl," said Lois as she laughed.

"You did porn," said Stewie dryly, "Shut up."

"You don't think I can do it because you all think I'm just some stupid blonde bimbo!" said Jillian angrily, "Well I'll show you! I'll be the best weather girl in Quahog and then we'll see who's the stupid one!"

She then angrily storms out through a door.

"You forgot your kids," said Lois.

She then comes back into the room, grabs the twins and storms out again.

"Also, that's a closet," said Lois.

"I MEANT TO DO THAT!" said Jillian as she took a hat, "AND I'M TAKING THIS HAT!"

After Jillian stormed off and slammed the door, Meg angrily turns to Zack and slaps him across the face.

"Ow! What was that for?" asked Zack as he rubbed his cheek.

"For being a jerk to Jillian!" said Meg, "She's your sister. She didn't need you treating her like crap instead of being supportive!"

"Me? What about her?" asked Zack as he pointed to Lois, "She was being a bigger bitch to Jillian and no one's yelling at her! Why does she get away with being a huge bitch?"

"Dad brings up a good point," said Maddie, "Grandma gets away with more crap than those kids in the Trix commercials."

**Cutaway**

The Trix rabbit rushes into a police station with cuts, a black eye, and bruises all over his body.

"Officers, I'd like to report an assault and robbery!" said the Trix Rabbit.

"What happened?" asked the officer.

"I was on my way home from the store when a bunch of kids jumped me," said the rabbit.

"What did they steal?" asked the officer.

"They stole my Trix!" said the rabbit.

"Silly Rabbit!" said the officer, "Trix are for kids!"

"But... but, they beat me up!" said the rabbit, "They beat me with baseball bats and one of them stabbed me. I bought the Trix with my own money! What they did was illegal!"

"I SAID silly rabbit. Trix are for kids," said the officer angrily.

**End Cutaway**

A week later, Jillian and Meg arrive at the Quahog 5 studio.

"Thanks for coming with me to the news studio on my first day," said Jillian.

"You're welcome, Jillian," said Meg, "I'm happy to be supportive of your decisions, unlike a certain blonde haired green flannel shirt wearing jerkass who will remain nameless for the time being."

"I thought you were mad at Zack," said Jillian confusedly.

"So how are you feeling about your first day at work?" asked Meg.

"Nervous actually," said Jillian, "This morning I was so nervous I kept throwing up... involuntarily!"

They were then approached by co-anchor Diane Simmons.

"You must be Jillian," said Diane, "I'm Diane Simmons, co-anchor."

"Oh, but you already know me," said Jillian, "You and Tom talk to me on TV everyday."

"Umm., okay..." said Diane, "Let me give you and Meg a tour of the studio."

"You know Meg, too?" asked Jillian in surprise.

"I used to be an intern here," said Meg, "That and she kidnapped Zack..."

"But that's all in the past. Let's get on with the tour," said Diane.

After a few minutes of boring tour stuff, Diane leads Jillian and Meg to an area with a green wall and a flatscreen TV next to it.

"And this is where you'll be working," said Diane.

"Hey! Where's the map?" asked Jillian.

"The map will show up on the monitor next to you," said Diane, "All you have to do is read off the teleprompter and you'll be fine. So what did you do before this?"

"I was a freelance photographer," said Jillian, "But I needed a new job to pay the rent so that my kids and I have a place to stay."

"A mother, huh?" asked Diane, "I thought about being a mother once, but the children would just get in the way of my career."

"You should put them next to you," said Jillian, "That way, they don't get in the way."

Diane stares at Jillian for a few seconds and then bursts into laughter.

"Oh, you have such a good sense of humor," said Diane.

"I wasn't joking," said Jillian.

"5 minutes to air, Ms. Simmons," said a random stagehand.

"I better get going," said Diane, "Meg, you can stay and watch the broadcast off-stage."

"Good luck, Jillian," said Meg as she walked off with Diane.

Jillian sighed to herself in anxiety, hoping that she wouldn't mess up. 15 minutes later, Diane and Tom were finishing up a news story.

"...And the short bus hurdled off the bridge in flames. There were no survivors..." said Diane somberly before immediately changing to a cheery tone, "In the lighter side of things, here's weather with our new Quahog 5 Weather Girl Jillian Russell."

"Thanks, Diane," said Jillian as she turned to the teleprompter noticing that it was spouting nothing but gibberish, "What's going on?"

"Oh great, the teleprompter guy is drunk again," said one of the stage hands.

Jillian looks around nervously, before she takes a deep breath and decides to do the weather herself.

"Umm... As you can see here on this screen thing with the map of the United States there will be blue capital Hs in the skies here and red capital Ls here..." said Jillian, "And over here, Quahog will be turning 80 degrees later today so be sure to pant your feet firmly on the ground or you may end up flying off the city from the sudden turn. You should also realign your antennas and satellite dishes accordingly if you want to watch TV. But when all is said and done, a big sun will appear from behind the clouds with a smiley face and sunglasses so to forget to wave him hello. Back to you Tom and Diane."

The camera then cuts to Tom and Diane who doing their best to try to hold back their laughter. Later that night at the Griffin resident, Jillian was in the living room sobbing as everyone else was trying to comfort her.

"It wasn't that bad," said Meg.

"Yes it was!" sobbed Jillian, "Everybody at the studio was laughing at me!"

"I'm surprised you even knew what an 80 degree turn was!" said Zack.

"So what if there were no H's and L's in the sky," said Chris, "I thought you were great!"

"Yeah, you were confident and showed no signs of stage fright," said Meg, "If it were me, I would've been sweating from my pits all over."

"That's you everyday..." said Stewie before Cody punched him.

"And aside from your usual quirks, your predictions were 100% accurate," said Tilly, "Surprisingly enough."

"Check it out!" said Maddie as she came in with a laptop, "Aunt Jillian's gone viral! Her clip was uploaded to Youtube and there's already a million hits and at least 20 remixes. Check out this dub-step one."

**Cutaway to Youtube**

The clip was from the weather report except there were random colors and lots of random wubs and stuff cuz it's dubstep**.**

_There will be blue capital H-H-H-H_

_Blue capital L-L-L-L_

_80 degrees 80 degrees 80 degreeeeeeeeeees_

_Quahog wawawawawawah_

_Quahog wawawawawawah_

_Wub wubwubwubwub wuuuuuuuuuuuuuub wub_

_bwabwabwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah_

**End Cutaway**

"Wait, I don't remember having a seizure at all," said Jillian,

"Wait, who did this anyway?" asked Meg.

"That's, um, not important," said Maddie as she covered her user name on the screen.

"Well I'm as good as fired," said Jillian, "You might as well get my old station ready for me when I come back, Chris..."

"About that..." said Chris, "We sort of replaced you after you left."

"What? You replaced me?" asked Jillian, "With who?"

"Carl hired his girlfriend, Shelly," said Chris, "She's assistant manager now."

Meanwhile at the mini-mart, a blow-up doll was propped up on the front counter. Back at the house...

"I'm not 100% sure but I think that bitch slept her way to that promotion," said Chris.

The next day at the news studio, Jillian is sitting down with Diane, discussing her future at the station.

"And they said that I've gone viral," said Jillian, "But I'm hoping it's one of the good ones and not AIDS."

"While it's cute that you've become an internet sensation," said Diane, "We at channel 5 prefer the opinions of people who actually matter and that's our TV viewers. And the TV viewers prefer serious news and not this cute funny stuff."

"I understand," said Jillian as she hung her head down in shame.

"Now as such, I'm afraid that we're going to have to let you go," said Diane, "Quahog 5 News wishes you the best of luck on your future endeavors.

"Not so fast!" said Tom as he burst into the room, "Jillian, ratings for your weather segment were through the roof!"

"They were?" asked Jillian.

"They were?!" asked Diane annoyed.

"Sure! Just take a look at these internet comments on our Youtube clip," said Tom as he pulled out a laptop, "_Who's the hot blonde?... I finally understand weather thanks to her... She's actually making weather interesting... They finally got rid of that ni- _Whoops! Let's see some other comments... White power... White power... Heil Hitler... Black Power... Ah, here we go: _The new weather lady is hot_. We should really monitor these things..."

"So does this mean that I'm not fired?" asked Jillian.

"Are you kidding?" asked Tom, "If you keep doing what you're doing, you could be promoted to co-anchor in no time!"

"But Tom _I'm_ co-anchor!" said Diane worriedly.

"Don't worry, Diane," said Tom, "If you keep doing what you're doing you could be assistant field reporter in no-time."

"When that happens, I am going to make you my bitch," said Tricia Takanawa.

A few days later, Jillian is doing the weather again except that she is wearing a bikini and holding an umbrella.

"And don't forget to take your umbrella when you go outside," said Jillian, "It will be pouring and you WILL get wet."

She is then splashed by water off screen as Tom watches with a big grin on her face while Diane watches with a disapproving scowl.

"Exactly why is our weather girl doing the weather in a bikini?" asked Diane bitterly.

"It's what the people want," said Tom, "Besides, the summer season is coming up so it's the appropriate time to wear a swimsuit."

"IT'S 69 DEGREES RIGHT NOW!" shouted Diane.

"Heh... 69," chuckled Tom.

"This is disgusting!" said Diane, "People tune in for news, not this borderline softcore smut!"

"You need to quit acting so jealous, Diane," said Tom, "She's just doing a weather report. Now help me fill this pool with mud so she can help show the dangers of muddy roads."

A little later in the break room, a young mailroom boy comes in with bags of mail.

"Fan mail!" called the mailroom boy as he handed a large bag to Tom Tucker, "Here's your fan mail, Mr. Tucker," he then hands him another bag, "And here's your mustache's fan mail."

"Thanks, Johnny," said Tom.

"And here's your fan mail, Ms. Russell," said Johnny as he handed Jillian a larger bag.

"Thanks Jimmy," said Jillian.

"It's Johnny," said Johnny.

"Wait, where's my fan mail?" asked Diane.

"Sorry, Ms. Simmons, but nobody sent you any," said Johnny, "But you can have this AARP flyer. I would give it to my grandma but she's... well dead and all..."

Diane sadly sighed as she took the flyer. A few nights later Zack and Meg were in their bad watching TV. It was a recap of Jillian's weather report, which causes Zack to throw turn off the TV and throw the remote in disgust.

"Mud? Seriously?" asked Zack, "This is just sick!"

"Why can't you be happy for your sister?" asked Meg, "Are you jealous of her being more successful than you?"

"I'm not jealous," said Zack, "I'm just worried that the studio is just using her. As soon as she turns 'old'" he said emphasizing old with air quotes, "They're going to throw her out and I don't want to see her get hurt."

"Aww, you do care about her," said Meg as she curled up to Zack.

"Of course I do," said Zack, "Even if she is dumb as a rock, she's still my sister. There's no reason for herself to degrade herself like that for money."

"Maybe you can go talk to her tomorrow," said Meg.

"I just hope she'll listen," said Zack, "When we were kids, she wouldn't listen to me when I told her that the girl in the mirror was not some lesbian pervert."

**Flashback**

A younger Jillian is in the bathroom looking at herself in the mirror.

"What do you want?" asked Jillian as she waited for a response, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?!" she shouted with fear this time.

She tries to undress but looks at her reflection again.

"Stop it!" shouted Jillian, "STOP STARING AT ME! LEAVE ME ALONE YOU LESBIAN PERVERT! AAHHHHHH!"

She then runs out of the bathroom screaming.

"...God, she's such an idiot," said her reflection.

**End Flashback**

The next day in the halls of James Woods High, Chris was walking through the halls when he hears two teen boys talking.

"She's so freaking hot," said one of the boys.

"I'd like to make it rain on her face if you know what I mean..." said another teen male.

"Who are you guys talking about?" asked Chris.

"That new weather chick on Channel 5," said one of the boys.

"She's so hot and dumb, I bet she'll let one of us have sex with her," said the other boy.

"She has a name!" said Chris annoyed, "It's Jillian Russell and she's not some sort of whore! She's a human being!"

"Why are you getting so uppity about some girl on TV?" asked the teen, "We're teens. All we think about is sex and the occasional urge to shoot up schools."

"Well, she's my sister's husband's sister and I know her!" said Chris, "So stop talking about her like that!"

"Geez, you need to get the sand out of your vagina," said one of the boys, "You know what you are, Griffin? You're a girl..."

"I'm not a girl!" said Chris, "I just really care about her!"

Chris angrily storms out as a young teen girl walks bye.

"Hey baby," said the boy, "Wanna go over to my house and make me a sandwich?"

"Make your own sandwich, dumbass," said the girl as she walked away.

"What's her problem?" asked on of the boys, "Did I say something wrong?"

"Stupid overreacting feminazi," said the other boy.

The next day at Jillian's apartment, Zack and Chris are speaking with her about her new job.

"So what did you want to talk to me about?" asked Jillian.

"It's about your job as a weather lady," said Chris.

"Don't you find it weird that they're mostly using you for sex appeal?" asked Zack.

"Don't be silly," said Jillian, "They haven't once made me use a banana."

"Banan-? No!" said Tilly, "He means the fact that they make you do the weather in skimpy outfits! It's insane!"

"No, it makes perfect sense," said Jillian, "I make summer forecasts in a bikini because summer is the perfect time to wear swimsuits and go to the beach."

"That's reasonable," said Tilly, "But what's NOT reasonable is wearing a bikini when making winter forecasts!"

"Yes it is," said Jillian, "They said that my hotness will keep the viewers warm."

"It's degrading and I think you should quit," said Zack.

"I agree with Zack!" said Chris, "All the other boys in school think you're hot and I won't stand for it!"

"What?" asked Jillian.

"They all keep thinking dirty thoughts about like you're some sort of porn star!" said Chris, "I want you to quit right now!"

"But you were the one who told me to take the job in the first place!" said Jillian, "Why are you being so witchy washing?"

"Because I'm your boyfriend and I just want what's best for you!" said Chris.

"More like what's best for _you_..." mumbled Jillian as she crossed her arms.

"This doesn't just affect you, but also your kids," said Zack, "Parents aren't going to want them being around kids whose mother parades herself half naked on TV. Especially if the dads are watching."

"But I'm doing this _for_ them," said Jillian, "And when I become rich and famous, I'm going to get them out of this apartment and move us to a big house with a backyard and everything."

"And with that rich fame come the paparazzi," said Zack, "Could you imagine the scandals when they find you and Chris together? He is only 14 after all and they wouldn't understand. The only reason I approve is because he's the only guy who actually respects you as a woman and doesn't see you as an easy lay."

"I'm 15, actually," said Chris, "I'll be 16 in a few months and then we can finally stop this charade..."

"Really?" asked Zack, "How old is Stewie, again?"

"One," said Chris.

"It feels like he's been 1 forever," said Zack.

"And we're going to be turning 1 soon, too," said Tilly,

"Stewie's body must be stuck in a time warp or something..." said CJ.

"In case you've forgotten, Zacky, _I'm_ the older sibling," said Jillian, "I'm capable of making my own decisions and I don't need you looking out for me and telling me what I should and shouldn't do. If people don't like what I'm doing, that's their problem..."

"So I suppose you're not changing your mind, huh?" asked Chris.

"Nope," said Jillian.

"I guess if you think it's best, I'll support you," said Chris.

"And we'll support you too, mom," said Tilly as she and her brother hugged their mother, "Even if they're using you as a rating's stunt."

"And what about you, Zack?" asked Jillian.

Zack just heads for the door and leaves Jillian's apartment in silence.

"He really doesn't like your new job," said Chris.

"Zack means well," said Jillian, "But sometimes he can go overboard, like Tony the Tiger."

**Cutaway**

Tony the Tiger is in an alley beating up a young boy. Besides him is a pile of other injured kids.

"You think you can just beat up my friend just because he's a rabbit?" asked Tony as he pummeled the boy, "You think that just because he's not a kid, he can't have Trix?"

"Stop! Stop!" cried the boy.

"Stop! Stop!" mocked Tony, "What's the matter? It's not grrrrreat when it happens to you, you little punk?"

He throws the boy to the ground next to the pile of other children. He then grabs the Trix box, spits on the kids, and walks away,

"Little bastards..." muttered Tony.

**End Cutaway**

The next day at the news studio, Jillian was doing her weather report while wearing a skimpy schoolgirl outfit.

"And make sure to bring your children's coats when picking them up after school," said Jillian, "Because there will be some moderate winds coming from the north later in the afternoon. That's it for the weather. Back to you Tom and Diane."

"Thank you, Jillian," said Tom, "Say, Diane, what's with the new look."

The camera pans to reveal that Diane has dyed her hair blonde, is wearing lots of make-up, and is dressed in a tube top and miniskirt.

"Well Tom, I was inspired by our very popular weather girl," said Diane, "And as they say: if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. So what do you think?"

"...You look like a clown hooker," said Tom "Speaking of clowns and sex, in other news the local mime molester has struck again. Police have been questioning the victims to get a lead but so far nobody is talking."

"Too bad he wasn't a clown molester," said Diane in a ditzy manner, "Then this story would've been really funny!"

Everyone in the studio then begins to shake their heads in disapproval.

"No, Diane..." said Tom, "Rape is never funny."

"Oh... umm, oops!" said Diane as she pulled down the top of her tube top, exposing her strapless bra, "Looks like this is some top heavy news."

"At least we know gravity still works..." said Tom, "Anyway, local charities are still collecting to find a cure for cancer."

"Still?" asked Diane, "I'm starting to wonder if it's cancer or can't-cer?"

Tom just looks in shock as one of the backstage news crew hands him a piece of paper.

"Breaking news!" said Tom, "Diane Simmons has been demoted to assistant field reporter. The Station Manager's daughter has cancer. I thought you knew that, Diane. I mean, he brings his daughter to the annual Christmas party every year."

"Christmas party?" asked Diane, "You mean that wasn't a bald little cross dressing boy?"

"This just in," said Tom as he was handed another paper, "Diane is now a severely underpaid assistant field reporter. In other news, our very own Jillian Russell has been promoted to co-anchor."

Diane groans as she slams her head onto the news desk. Later that night at the Griffin resident, Lois, Meg, Stewie, Maddie, and Zack's mother Valarie were watching a movie, when the door knocks. Lois answers and there stood Donna Tubbs, Bonnie Swanson, and Olga Blackenski(Raven's mom). All of them looked angry.

"Well hello, ladies," said Lois, "What brings you here?"

"We wanna give that weather hussy a piece of our minds!" said Donna.

"She's stealing our husbands from us!" said Bonnie.

"Sorry, but Jillian doesn't even live here," said Lois.

"And what are you talking about?" asked Meg.

"Before she came on TV, Cleveland didn't even care about the weather," said Donna, "Now he always wants to watch the weather forecast, everyday!"

"Well, that doesn't seem so bad," said Meg.

"HE WATCHES IT ALONE IN THE BASEMENT WITHOUT PANTS!" shouted Donna.

"Boris finds blonde weather girl arousing as well," said Olga in her thick Russian accent, "He talks about how nice her thighs are. He never talks about my thighs anymore. I used to crush women's skulls between these thighs. How is that not arousing?!"

"Last night was role play night!" said Bonnie as she sounded like she was about to cry, "He wanted me to dress up as a weather girl!"

"That little weather bimbo is a menace!" said Donna angrily.

"Hey! That's my daughter you're talking about!" said Valarie offended.

"What? Are you gonna tell me some hippie mumbo jumbo about Jillian just being a free spirit?" asked Donna, "About how her body is a beautiful thing that shouldn't be hidden by the oppression of clothes or some other new age hippie crap like that?"

"No," said Valarie, "I was going to tell you that your daughter also dresses like a slut and that you can go fuck yourself."

"Well I agree with Donna, Bonnie, and Olga. It's disgusting..." said Lois disapprovingly, "Wearing skimpy clothing like that on live television. She's a mother for God's sake."

"You know, none of you have room to be slut-shaming Jillian," said Meg who then points to Bonnie, "You were a stripper..." she then points to Donna, "You did foxy boxing..." she then points to Olga, "You posed for Playboy in 1984."

"It was true," said Olga, "I really needed the money..."

"And you did sexy photos as a model," said Meg "Not to mention that you were in porn."

"My, aren't we high and mighty Ms. Foot Fetish model," said Lois snidely.

"Said the cave woman porn star..." said Valarie, "Meg may have been a foot fetish model but at least she isn't taking the moral high ground like a hypocritical asshole."

"Meg and Val are right," said Stewie, "You're almost as big a hypocrites as racist hate groups."

**Cutaway**

"Black people are nothing but violent, bloodthirsty, rapist animals," said a white man, "Let's teach them a lesson... by beating them, lynching them, burning them, and raping their women!"

"Yeah!" shouted everyone in triumph.

**End Cutaway**

Meanwhile at the Drunken Clam, Peter, Cleveland, Quagmire, Joe, Zack, Brian, and Brianne are sitting at their usual booth having a drink.

"I still don't like this weather girl thing at all," said Zack, "Jillian's being treated like a goddess by the men and a pariah by the women. This week alone she's received 25 death threats from angry wives. She needs to quit for her sake."

"You mean you didn't hear?" asked Peter, "Jillian just got promoted to co-anchor."

"Great..." said Zack, "Now they're probably going to make her go topless and dance on the news desk."

"She's a grown woman, Zack," said Quagmire, "She's old enough to make her own decisions and mistakes. Mistakes are how we learn."

"She's still Zack's sister," said Brian, "He just wants her to be alright. Or were you just saying that in hopes that one of the mistakes Jillian makes will be you?"

"...You know a lot of dogs sit outside tied to poles," said Quagmire.

"And a lot of rapists sit in prison being the girlfriend of a guy named Bubba," shot back Brianne, "But that's none of my business..."

"Oh what? Now I'm getting flack from you?" asked Quagmire irritated.

"Don't live in a glass house, asshole," said Brianne as she turned to Zack, "And as for you, you should just accept that this is what Jillian wants."

"Yeah, she's making a ton of money and providing for her kids," said Peter, "Isn't that what's important?"

"Besides, things will get better for Jillian," said Brian, "Lana told me that when she first started teaching pre-school, she was getting angry letters everyday from the kids' mothers, but she stuck it out and now most of the mothers respect her."

"I suppose you're right," said Zack, "Tomorrow on her first day as a co-anchor, I'm going to be there to support her."

"That's the spirit," said Peter, "You go out there and giver her more support than a woman's bra!"

**Cutaway**

In a bedroom somewhere, a woman is sitting on her bed sadly while in her underwear.

"No man will ever love me," said the woman, "I'm so fat and ugly."

"Now don't say that," said the bra in a voice similar to Bruce's, "You're beautiful just the way God made you."

"If only all bras were like you," said the woman.

"She's says that now," said a voice in the closet, "But in a few years she's just gonna throw you in the closet for some jerky sports bra!"

"I'm not gonna pay no attention to him," said the bra, "You _grew_ up and he didn't."

**End Cutaway**

The next day at the Quahog 5 News Studio, Jillian was reporting on her first day at work.

"Welcome to the evening news," said Tom, "I'm Tucker."

"And I'm co-anchor Jillian Russell," said Jillian.

"I'd like to be the first to welcome back weather correspondent Ollie Williams," said Tom, "Ollie."

"I'm back, y'all!" shouted Ollie.

"Thanks Ollie," said Tom.

"Our top story: The local mime molester was caught today," said Jillian, "While attempting to rape what he thought was a mime turned out to be an angry emo clown with an oversized mallet..."

The entire family was at the studio, watching Jillian's report.

"I'm surprised at how well Jillian is at being a co-anchor," said Zack.

"She's pronounced every word correctly," said Lois, "And she looks so professional."

"Yeah, she's a natural," said Brian.

"Though I kinda feel bad about Diane being demoted," said Meg, "Especially since she botched that field report on the Quahog Sausage-Con."

Nearby, Tricia Takanawa is reprimanding Diane for her failure.

"You have brought dishonor to our news team," said Tricia as she slapped Diane with a large smoked sausage.

"Well... this isn't the first time I've been slapped with a long dark sausage..." sighed Diane.

"HA HA!" laughed Peter from the distance.

"And you don't have to worry about her being half-dressed to do her job," said Meg.

"I guess everything worked out after all," said Zack in relief.

Back at the news desk, Jillian was finishing her report.

"And the only stripes he'll be seeing for a long time are the ones he'll be wearing behind bars," said Jillian, "Your thoughts, Tom?"

"Breaking news," said Tom, "Handsome news anchor, Tom Tucker, asks co-anchor, Jillian Russell, out on a date. Will he get lucky tonight? Tune in at 11 to find out."

"I'm flattered," said Jillian, "But I already have a boyfriend, so I'm going to have to say no..."

"I see..." said Tom, "This just in, Jillian Russell has been fired and Diane Simmons has been promoted back to co-anchor."

"W-What?!" cried a horrified Jillian.

"WHAT?!" asked Diane in a similar manner.

"Hey! You can't fire her for having a boyfriend!" said Meg angrily, "She'll sue you for sexual harassment!"

"Oh I'm not firing her for having a boyfriend," said Tom, "She's fired for her incompetence on the news team. All that ditzy stuff was cute then, but now I'm not sure if what the public wants anymore..."

Jillian runs off the set crying as Diane sits in the chair next to Tom. While she should be happy that she got her old job back and that Jillian is no longer a threat, she isn't. She could only scowl at Tom angrily.

"You're a monster..." hissed Diane.

"And you're still an old bag," said Tom, "Now that we've got that out of the way..."

As they continue with the news, Jillian runs up to Zack

"You were right, Zack..." sobbed Jillian, "I'm nothing but a dumb blonde bimbo. How could I have been so stupid to think that I was actually good at something?"

Zack angrily grits his teeth and marches over to the news desk. He grabs Tom Tucker by the collar and pulls him towards him.

"What the hell are you doing?" asked Tom angrily, "We're live!"

"How dare you!" said Zack angrily to Tom, "She's may not be the smartest person, but she does have one thing that you and almost everyone else in this city has and that's a heart. Jillian is one of the nicest people around and she's a great mother of two who tries her damndest to provide for her kids despite being single."

"So she's also a mother, too..." said Tom, "Didn't realize she was dumb AND old..."

"You son of a-" said Zack angrily as he raised his fist, but was stopped by Chris.

"No, Zack. He's not worth your time," said Chris, "_My_ time, on the other hand..."

Chris then punches Tom Tucker in the face as hard as he can. This causes Tom to lose his balance and grab Jillian's breasts. She then slaps Tom for getting fresh with her.

"PERVERT!" shrieked Jillian.

"Hey, Jillian," said Diane, "Looks like you have yourself a sexual harassment case after all."

"Hey, you're right!" said Jillian as she and Diane looked at each other with devious smiles on their faces.

"But... but, that kid just punched me," said Tom pointing to Chris, "You all saw, right?"

"Hmm... let's see," said Diane, "Who around here saw Chris punch Tom Tucker? Raise your hand."

Nobody in the room raises their hand.

"Now who around here saw Tom Tucker touch Jillian's boobs?" asked Meg.

Everyone in the room then raised their hands.

"What will it take to make this all go away?" asked Tom in a panicky manner.

"Well..." said Jillian.

A few days later, the family is helping Jillian move all of her stuff to the house across the street from the Griffins next door to Cleveland's.

"And thanks to that out of court settlement, I was able to buy this house," said Jillian, "There's a big backyard and a basement for Tilly's lab stuff."

"Sorry that your job as a weather girl didn't work out," said Zack.

"That's okay," said Jillian, "Diane felt so bad about what Tom did that she helped get me a job as a model."

"Model?" asked Zack in a worried tone.

"I'm just kidding," said Jillian, "Diane got me a permanent job as a newspaper photographer."

"Okay, that's good," said Lois, "So all's well that ends well."

"No quite," said Meg, "Every woman in the neighborhood apologized for being a bitch towards Jillian."

"Every woman except you," said Maddie.

"Fine," said Lois, "Jillian, I'm sorry. Even though you made the choice to dress up like a whore on TV for everyone to see."

"That's not an apology!" said Meg.

"You are such a bitch, grandma," said Maddie, "Someday karma is going to bite you in the ass and it will bite you hard."

"Yeah, right- OW!" shouted Lois as a tile from the ceiling knocked her unconscious

"Thank you, karma..." said Maddie.

**End Chapter**

_**Bonus: Miscellaneous trivia about this chapter:**_

_**1\. The beginning(up until Jillian starts working at the Mini Mart) was from a scrapped "Meg's Family" chapter from years ago. It was about CJ becoming a baking prodigy(I still might do a similar chapter focusing on CJ someday).**_

_**2\. This chapter was originally titled "Jillian The Engineer" and was about Jillian getting an engineering job at a tech firm with Tilly passing off her inventions as her mother's.**_

_**3\. The original weather girl chapter idea was also completely different: it involved Tilly and CJ using a weather machine to make Jillian's predictions 100% accurate.**_


	6. Roberta's Boyfriend

**Chapter 5: Roberta's Boyfriend**

**(Author's note: The chapter has changed radically from the original description on my Deviantart Chapter Ideas Journal Entry. It was originally supposed to be a black parody of the first few chapters of Meg's Boyfriend, but I couldn't move forward.)**

It was a not so typical afternoon at Murdock's Pizza: the Pizzeria was completely empty. Meg was boredly sitting at the cash register, Roberta was at one of the tables texting, and Raven was at the same table reading a book. Zack walks out from the kitchen and takes notice of the empty store.

"Why aren't you guys working?" asked Zack, "And where are all the customers?"

"There are no customers," said Meg as she boredly pressed buttons random buttons on the register, "We haven't had a single since this morning."

"I thought that new fortune teller machine would bring in new customers for sure..." said Zack as he looked at the machine disappointingly, "That was a bigger waste of money than when I took that voice acting class at the community college..."

**Flashback**

"Welcome to Voice acting 101. I'm you're teacher John Viener," said John Viener, "Here are my 3 tips on how to be a great voice actor: Tip Number 1: Never emote. Tip Number 2: Always use the same voice, even for different characters. That way, people can recognize you on the streets and say 'Hey, I know that voice! It's John Viener!' And finally, Tip Number 3: Be a writer on a show that's too cheap to hire real voice actors so that you can voice almost every character. Any questions?"

The class was then revealed the be several Quahog men who all happened to be voiced by John Viener.

"Brilliant!"

"Great tips!"

"Genius!"

"I'm doing a cameo because I also happen to be voiced by Jim Viener," said Norm the robot from Phineas and Ferb.

"Yeah... screw this," said Zack as he got up and walked away.

**End Flashback**

"Told you we should've sprung for the pinball machine," said Raven, "Yes, it was at a police auction, and yes it was covered in blood, but I know how to clean other peoples' blood off of things."

"Could you keep it down, gothball?" asked Roberta, "Some of us are trying to text our boyfriends, but you wouldn't know anything about that seeing as you don't have one."

"I had a boyfriend once," said Raven, "Things didn't work out."

**Flashback**

Raven knocks on the door of a house and a teenage boy answers the door. He had pale skin, short black hair, wore an open button shirt with tight jeans and had a pretty boy face.

"You ready to go on our date, Eddy?" asked Raven.

"Yes, but there's something I should let you know," said Eddy, "I'm a vampire. But don't freak out, because I don't drink human blood. I can survive off of cattle blood."

"That's understandable," said Raven, "Humans eat meat, but don't necessarily eat humans."

"Also, I'm not a mindless killing machine," said Eddy, "I'm kind of a conflicted tortured soul so I hope you don't mind if I talk about my feelings."

"Not at all, but don't you think you need to take an umbrella with you?" asked Raven, "Sunlight kills vampires."

"Nah, sunlight just makes me sparkle," said Eddy as he stepped outside and began sparkling.

Raven then screams, pulls out a stake from her boot and stabs Eddy in the heart. He then dies and turns into dust.

"Ugh! Sparkling vampires..." shuddered Raven as she ran away.

**End Flashback**

"I don't mind Vampires that aren't generic, evil, mindless, killing machines," said Raven, "I don't even mind vampires with complex emotions, but sparkling is where I draw the line!"

"Quiet! I just got another text from Federline," said Roberta excitedly, "I bet he sent me a smiley face. He did that cause he knows we bitches love smiley faces."

"Oh brother..." said Raven as she rolled her eyes and turned to Meg, "If I ever start acting like that when I get a boyfriend, you have my permission to shoot me."

Roberta's smile slowly turned upside down and tears formed in her eyes as she read her text.

"What's the matter?" asked Meg.

"Federline... he just broke up with me!" sobbed Roberta runs out of the restaurant.

"This is terrible!" said Meg worriedly.

"Yeah, poor Roberta," said Raven sympathetically, "What kind of jerk dumps a girl with a text message?"

"You guys better go after her," said Zack, "She is your friend, after all."

"But what about you?" asked Meg.

"Don't worry about me," said Zack, "It doesn't look like anything's going to happen here anyway."

Meg and Raven leave the Pizzeria and head for Roberta's house. A few seconds after they leave, a bus pulls up with a banner reading "Fat Lonely Women's Club." Then another bus pulls in with a banner reading "National Association for The Advancement of Fat People". Then another bus that reads "Fat Camp". Then another bus that reads "2015 Quahog Pizza Eating Contest". Then another bus reading "Anorexia Recoverees". And finally, a pumpkin with a face, arms and legs walks to the door.

"I'm very hungry," said the pumkin.

"Aw, son of a bitch..." muttered Zack.

Meanwhile at the Griffin house, Maddie, Stewie, and Peter were sitting in the living room watching TV.

**Cutaway to TV**

Two men are sitting at a bus stop when one of them spots a Geico billboard.

"Huh... 15 minutes or more could save you 15 percent or more on car insurance," said one of the men.

"Everyone knows that, Jerry," said the other man.

"Well... did you know that Genies can be literal?" asked Jerry.

"Everyone knows that too, Jerry," said the other man, "It's practically common knowledge. There's even a trope about it called _Literal Genie_."

"Oh..." said Jerry, "Well I bet you didn't know that game show hosts should only host game shows."

"Not necessarily true," said the other man, "Drew Carey is not only a game show host; he's also a comedian, actor, and sports executive."

"Oh..." said Jerry, "Well I bet you didn't know that dogs shouldn't drive cars."

"Just save us both the trouble and admit you're an idiot, Jerry," said the other man.

**End Cutaway**

Brian then walks into the living room and turns to Peter.

"Hey, Peter," said Brian, "Can I talk to you about something?"

"Sure, Brian," said Peter, "What's on your mind, buddy?"

"Well... Before I can tell you this, you have to promise me that this never leaves this room," said Brian.

"Oh, you can definitely count on me," said Peter.

"Remember when Brianne went to the hospital?" asked Brian, "Well after she recovered, we talked a little and... we kissed."

"You WHAT?!" asked Peter in shock.

"I know," said Brian, "It didn't mean anything, but I can't stop thinking about it."

"So does this mean that you love Brianne?" asked Maddie.

"I don't know," said Brian, "Maybe... but I love Lana and she can NEVER find out about this. So don't tell anyone about this."

"Absolutely," said Peter, "Nobody will know about this except for you, me, Stewie, Maddie, and Quagmire."

"Thank Peter, I-" said Brian before he realized what he just said, "Wait, did you say Quagmire?"

"Yeah, I had him on the phone listening to the whole thing," said Peter as he held out his cell phone.

"Peter, you idiot!" shouted Brian angry.

"What? I always tell Quagmire everything," said Peter, "I'm back bush."

Maddie simply shivers in disgust. There's a knock at the door and when Brian answers it, there stood Quagmire holding a cell phone with a smug smile Brian.

"I know everything, Brian," said Quagmire, "I know everything."

"Quagmire, I'm begging you," said Brian, "Please do not tell Lana about that kiss."

"I won't tell Lana," said Quagmire, "But you've gotta do something for me."

"What do I have to do for you?" asked Brian.

"You just gotta be my wingman," said Quagmire.

"Wait... really?" asked Brian, "That's it?"

"That's it," said Quagmire.

"Wow..." said Brian in relief, "For a second there I thought you were gonna make me your personally slave or something."

"Whatever, just meet me at park at 3:00," said Quagmire as he left.

"You know, maybe I had Quagmire all wrong," said Brian, "He's being an okay guy about this."

"I don't trust him," said Stewie, "Something tells me this will go as well as putting Walt Disney in a room full of Jew accountants."

**Cutaway**

We see Mickey Mouse angrily sitting in a chair in a backstage Disney studio.

"If you're expecting an oh so clever anti-semite Disney joke or Walt Disney is cryogenically frozen joke, you can go fuck yourselves," said Mickey, "My father wasn't an anti-semite so cut that shit out. Seriously, get your facts straight!"

**End Cutaway**

Meanwhile at Cleveland's house inside Roberta's room, Roberta was angrily tearing up pictures of Federline while crying as "The Thrill is Gone" by B.B. King was playing in the background. Cleveland than knocks on her door and walks in.

"Roberta, guess who's here?" asked Cleveland.

"Is it Federline?" asked Roberta in a hopeful manner, "He came to Quahog to tell me that he was wrong and he wants me back?"

"Even better," said Cleveland, "It's your friends Meg and... uh... scary... goth... girl. What is your name again?"

"Raven!" said an irritated Raven, "I hang out with Meg all the time! How do you not know my name?"

"I apologize," said Cleveland, "I'm still trying to get used to all the changes since I came back to Quahog. I keep singing my theme song every morning... until I realized that I was a failure."

Cleveland then leaves Roberta's room running and crying.

"Ooookay..." said Raven uncomfortably.

"What do you two want?" asked Roberta.

"We were worried about you when you ran out of the Pizzeria crying," said Meg.

"Yeah, we're your friends," said Raven, "We just want to help."

"You can help by leaving me alone," whimpered Roberta, "I just want to be miserable in my room by myself."

"You know what they say," said Raven, "Misery loves company."

"Did he at least say why he broke up with you?" asked Meg.

"He said that the long distance relationship wasn't working," sniffled Roberta, "And that we should break up."

Raven takes a look at one of Roberta's few non-mangled photos and finds herself less than impressed with Federline's physical appearance and choice of attire. Especially his fedora. She hated when people wore fedoras without suits. Or at least a vest. It was one of her major pet peeves.

"You're crying over this poser?" asked Raven.

"He wasn't a poser!" said Roberta defensively.

"Tell me," said Raven, "Does he act like a rapper, says stuff like 'yo dawg', and is a walking advertisement for birth control?"

"Well... yeah, But he last Valentine's Day, he made this for me," said Roberta as she pulled out her phone.

**Cutaway to Roberta's phone**

Federline was in his room free styling.

_Yo, Roses are Red _

_But my Ro-Ro's black. _

_I wanna play some nick nack paddy wack on dat back Jack._

_Oooh ooooh! that was for you, brown sugah!_

**End Cutaway**

"I take it back. He's not a poser," said Raven, "He's a fucking dork and I want to kick him in the nads so that he can't procreate."

"I think you need some time out of this room and away from anything that reminds you of him," said Meg, "How about we go to the mall. That should take your mind off of Federline. There are also some pretty cute boys there,"

"Wouldn't it be easier to meet a boy at school?" asked Roberta.

"You don't want any of those guys," said Raven, "Some of the things we've seen in the boy's bathroom is enough to turn you off from those dinks."

**Flashback**

At the halls of James Woods High, a bunch of boys were walking out of the boys' bathroom.

"And then she tells me that she loved me," said one of the boys.

"Haha! That's so gay!" laughed one of the other boys.

Meg and Raven sneak into the boys' bathroom and look at the stalls.

"There's Connie's number... Lisa's number..." said Meg, "Ha! There's my number! Told you!"

"For a bunch of homophobic teenagers they sure do love drawing penises..." said Raven.

**End Flashback**

A little later, the girls head over to the Mall. Roberta was still looking a little worse for wear as her hair was messy and her mascara was still running from her tears.

"The mall is full of good looking boys," said Meg, "You just need to find the right one."

"Hey, that guy looks interesting," said Raven as she pointed to a fairly good looking white male teen, "Why don't you go talk to him?"

Roberta walks up to the boy and taps on his shoulder.

"Um, hi," said Roberta.

"Hi," said the boy, "Say, you're pretty cute looking."

"Oh, thank you," said Roberta as her spirits began to pick up a little.

"Say, do you like soundproof window-less vans, duct tape, and muffled screaming?" asked the boy.

"And I think we're done here," said Roberta as she walked away.

"Huh... Usually they're gay on the first try," said Raven.

"We can keep trying if you want," said Meg.

"Thanks for trying, guys," said Roberta, "But I think it's too soon to find a new boyfriend. I'm just gonna go home..."

As she walks away, she bumps into a guy and falls to the floor as several CD cases scatter about across the area.

"I'm so sorry," said the guy, "Are you okay?"

"Do I look like I'm okay?!" asked Roberta angrily, "You need to watch where you're go- oooooh..."

As Roberta looked up, she noticed that the guy was a nice looking African American teenage male with shoulder-length dreadlocks and no facial hair. His clothing consisted of a red hoodie, black jeans, and red Air Jordan sneakers. Height wise, he appeared to be a little shorter than Zack. He was extended his hand to her to help her up.

"I know... I should've paid better attention," said the boy as he helped her up..

"No, no, it's totally my fault," said Roberta, "You know what they say about women: they're all stupid and don't know what they want. Name's Roberta by the way."

"I'm Ezekiel," said the boy, "Ezekiel Williams, but all my friends call me Zeke."

"So I see you're into music," said Roberta as she helped him pick up his CDs, "I like music too. I also noticed that we're both black! Boy do we have a lot in common."

"I was just buying some tunes to sample and mix for my next gig," said Zeke, "I'm a DJ."

"Ooh, a DJ," said Roberta, "I use to date a musician. He was a rapper. But we broke up."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Zeke, "Was he a famous rapper? Who was he?"

"Federline Jones," said Roberta.

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Zeke, "Say, I know we just met and all but I was wondering if you would-"

"Have a quickie with you in the mall's bathroom? Hell yeah!" said Roberta.

"Actually, I was gonna ask if you wanted to get a cup of coffee," said Zeke.

"Oh," said Roberta, "You're one of those taking it slow guys. That's good, too. Yes, I will."

At that moment, Connie D'amico and her female entourage walk by, snickering at the sight of Meg and her friends.

"Hey Roberta," greeted Connie in a taunting manner, "You do know they don't allow pets in the mall, right?"

"I'm sorry, but do you know these girls?" asked Zeke as he pointed to Connie..

"Yeah, it's Connie D'aStinko," said Raven, "The most popular girl in school and possibly the town."

"Pets... that's a good one," chucked Roberta sarcastically, "I like yours, too. I especially like that you got them trained and neutered."

"You know, you can do so much better than hanging with Miss Piggy and Morticia Addams over there," said Connie.

"Wow, that was so clever..." said Meg sarcastically, "Did you stay up all night thinking that one up?"

"You know, while you were on your knees?" asked Raven, "And then on your back? And then with your legs behind your ears all while in the back of someone's car?"

"That's cute," said Connie, "So tell me, do your friends know that you're really a natural blonde? Of course that's about the only thing that was natural about you, you goth freak."

Raven then charges at Connie, but is held back by Meg and Roberta.

"YOU BLEACHED BLONDE TOOTHPICK!" screamed Raven as she tried to grab Connie, "I'LL SNAP YOU LIKE A FUCKING TWIG!"

"And to think that you were once one of us..." said Connie.

"What does she mean by that?" asked Meg.

"It's a long story," said Raven bitterly, "One I'd rather not revisit."

"Say, Roberta, how would you like to hang out with the cool kids?" said Connie "You certainly look the part and we could certainly use some color. What do you say?"

"What do I say?" asked Roberta excitedly, "How about... hell no?"

"What did you just say?" asked Connie with a hint of bitterness in her voice.

"I said I ain't gonna play second fiddle to no bleach blonde anorexic white girl with a pancake ass," said Roberta.

"Oh snap!" said Meg in shock.

"Are you rejecting me?" asked Connie, "ME? Connie D'amico?"

"Apparently your hearing isn't so good, so here's a little sign language," said Roberta as he flipped Connie off, "I'll take my chances with these guys. They might be social losers, but at least they're real friends and less likely to betray me if they feel like I'm a threat to them. Oh, and call me colored again and I will rip your throat out, bitch."

"You are going to regret that decision," said Connie as she walked over to Zeke, "Hey there, tall dark and handsome."

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" asked Roberta.

"Making you regret your decision," said Connie smugly as she turned her attention back to Zeke, "So is it true what they say; that if you go black you can't go back?"

"Actually, no," said Zeke, "You can actually go brown and to town, yellow with a fellow, and white but it won't be tight... anymore."

"That is so funny," giggled Connie, "Say, how would you like to go out with a real girl?"

"The only real girls I see around here are these three," said Zeke as he pointed to Meg, Raven, and Roberta, "All I see in front of me are a bleached blonde phony and some spineless flunkies."

"Maybe you don't understand," said Connie, "I'm Connie D'amico: the most popular girl in James Wood High."

"And maybe _you_ don't understand," said Zeke, "I said no."

"I _always_ put out on the first date," said Connie, "Think about that."

"No, _you_ should think about that," said Zeke, "You could catch an STD or get pregnant by being so careless."

"Come on..." said Connie seductively as she rubbed her finger on his chest, "You know to tap this ass."

"Yeah, let me answer that statement with one of my own," said Zeke as he pushed her finger away, "My anaconda don't want none and you got no buns, hon. Let's go get that coffee, Roberta."

Roberta and Zeke then walk away, leaving Connie and her friends flabbergasted; Connie in particular had her mouth hanging open.

"Hey, her mouth unhinges like a snake," said Meg as she pointed to Connie.

"Gee, I wonder why?" asked Raven sarcastically as she and her friend walked away laughing.

Unbeknownst to them, two black teenage males dressed up in blue gangsta clothing were watching Roberta and Ezekiel. One of them had a crew cut and wore sunglasses while the other had an afro. For the sake of convenience, we're calling them Afro and Sunglasses.

"You think that was him?" asked Afro.

"It sure looked like him," said Sunglasses, "We better follow him just to make sure."

Exactly what where they talking about? We'll have to deal with that later... Meanwhile at the park, Brian arrives while Quagmire is sitting on a bench, waiting.

"Okay, I'm here like you said," said Brian, "Exactly why are we at the park?"

"I need you to take this bottle of whipped cream and spray it all over your mouth," said Quagmire.

"Hey, Cool Wh-" said Brian before he was interrupted.

"Yeah, we're not doing that thing," said Quagmire flatly.

"Okay," said Brian as he sprays his mouth with Cool Whop, "Now what."

"See that blonde chick sitting over there at the bench?" asked Quagmire, "I want you to go over there and talk to her. You're going to pretend to be a rabid dog and I'm going to tame you. She'll be so impressed that she'll sleep with me. Can you act like a rabid dog?"

"Prepare to be wowed," said Brian as he prepared to get himself in character..

He then runs over to the blonde chick sitting on the bench and begins barking at her like crazy.

"EEK! RABID DOG!" shrieked the blonde.

"Rabid dog?! Don't worry! I'll save you!" shouted Quagmire as he mounted Brian and beat him to a bloody mess with his fists. Then a crowbar. Then a baseball. And finally he uses a taser, leaving Brian convulsing on the ground in pain.

"That act of bravery and animal cruelty really turned me on," said the blonde, "How about we go back to my place and have sex?"

"Alright!" said Quagmire as he walked away... and then runs back to Brian, "By the way, nice wingman work," he said as he ran back away.

A week later at a restaurant named TGINM(Thank God It's Not Monday), Roberta, Zeke, Meg, and Zack were on a double date. All four of them were dressed formally: Meg didn't have her hat on, Zack had his hair tied in a ponytail, and Zeke had his dreadlocks tied back in a ponytail

"And then I said 'No thanks but that's a nice tie!'" said Zeke as everyone at the table laughed.

"See?" asked Roberta, "I told you he could get you all to laugh just by saying the punch line without the setup just like they do on TV!"

"So, what took you guys so long to get to the restaurant?" asked Zack.

"Zeke had to stop and ask for directions every five minutes," said Roberta.

"I just wanted to make sure that we were going the right place," said Zeke, "You know how everything isn't where it's supposed to be when you really need to get there."

"So why don't you tell us about yourself," said Zack, "Like where are you from, how old are you and what do you do for a living?"

"I was born in Quahog and I'm 16 years old," said Zeke, "As for what I do, I work parties as a DJ after school and on weekends."

"You know, I've never actually seen you in James Woods High," said Meg, "Why is that?"

"That's because I go to East Quahog High," said Zeke.

"Right..." said Zack suspiciously, "East Quahog High..."

"So how did you two meet?" asked Meg happily, "As if I didn't know..."

"Well, we bumped into each other at a mall," said Roberta, "All thanks to a friend."

"Ooh, I wonder who that friend was?" asked Meg smugly.

"Seriously?" asked Zack dryly as he rolled his eyes, "Conceited much?"

"Well she should be proud," said Zeke as he held Roberta's hands and looked into her eyes lovingly, "Because she helped me find the love of my life."

"And the love of mine," said Roberta as she looked into Zeke's eye's lovingly.

"You guys have only been dating for a week..." said Zack, "You've lasted longer than a Hollywood marriage, though, I'll give you that..."

Meg quickly stamps her high-heeled foot hard onto Zack's, causing him to yelp in pain.

"Zack! Be nice!" growled Meg.

"I'm just saying that they should date a while before declaring themselves as truly in love," said Zack.

"We can prove that we're in love," said Roberta.

"Yeah! Ask us anything," said Zeke.

"Okay..." said Meg as she thought for a moment, "What's your favorite food?"

"Fried chicken!" they said again simultaneously.

"Favorite color?" asked Zack.

"Blue!"

"Favorite movie?" asked Meg.

"Friday before the movies got crappy!" said both Roberta and Zeke at the same time, "We loved Ice Cube before he started doing lame family films."

"Wow! It's like you're both telepathically linked!" said Meg in amazement.

"Yeah we sometimes-" said Roberta.

"Find ourselves finishing each others'-" said Zeke.

"Sentences," they both finished.

"Well that's not creepy at all..." said Zack sarcastically.

"Well, I think it's cute," said Meg, "I remember when we were like that when we first became a couple."

"What do you mean 'were'?" asked Zack, "We still love each other. We just don't need to act like we're conjoined to each others' head to show it."

"Yeah, but just look how in love they are!" said Meg as she pointed to Roberta and Zeke, "How come we don't do things like that?"

"You got something in your teeth there, hon," said Zeke.

"Really?" asked Roberta.

"Let me just help you get it out," said Zeke as he and Roberta began making out while making loud sucking noises.

"Because we're not insane?" said Zack in disgust.

"Boy, am I stuffed," said Zeke, "Guess we better pay the check and go home."

After paying for their meal, as they leave they're being watched by the same males who were watching them in the mall.

"Yep, that's him alright," said Afro, "Should we follow them some more?"

"No, we should call the boss," said Shades, "He'll tell us what to do next."

Shades proceeds to call the boss on his cell phone.

"It's him alright, Big T," said Shades, "Do we get him?"

"Don't be too hasty," said their boss, Big T, on the phone, "He always seems to slip through our fingers. I think this time we should... persuaded him to come to us instead."

"Understood," said Shades as he turned off his phone, "He says we need to make him come to us and I think I know how. Let's go."

"Wait, don't you also think we should bring the boss a doggy bag, too?" asked Afro.

"This was a stake out not a date, you dummy!" said Shades, "But yes. He likes the garlic sticks this place makes."

"I think I'm gonna order the devil's food cake for desert," said Afro, "To go."

"Man, you do not have any self control," said Shades as Afro hung his head in shame.

At the restaurant's parking lot, Zeke and Roberta head out to Zeke's van, while Meg and Zack head to their car.

"How about we go back to your place," said Roberta, "You know, just you and me?"

"Actually, I don't have a place," said Zeke, "I live in my van. How about I just take you home?"

"You mean you're homeless?" asked Roberta, "You don't got no family?"

"Nope. I'm living on my own," said Zeke, "I left my family a long time ago. We don't see eye to eye anymore."

"Aww, that's so sad," said Meg sympathetically.

"This won't do," said Roberta, "You're gonna stay at my place."

"You sure your parents are gonna be okay with that?" asked Zeke.

"Hell yeah!" said Roberta.

Later at Cleveland's house...

"Hell no!" said Donna.

"Why not, momma?" asked Roberta.

"We don't know anything about this boy!" said Donna, "He could be a gang member or a rapist or a gang rapist!"

"Or a rapist who rapes gangs," said Cleveland as everyone stared at him, "I'm just covering all the bases."

"I swear, I'm not any of those things," said Zeke, "I'm just a struggling teen DJ who lives in his van. If you let me live with you, I will pay you whatever I can. I'll even help out with the housework and pull my weight."

"You might want be careful when saying that," said Rallo, "'Cause you'll be pulling more than your own weight. A LOT of weight. 'Cause Cleveland and Junior are fat as hell."

"I'll totally be responsible for him," said Roberta, "Please? He's got nowhere else to go!"

"Fine... he can stay," sighed Donna, "But he's _not_ sharing a room with you. I'm not ready to be no grandma like Lois."

"He'll have to share your room with Cleveland Jr.," said Cleveland.

"We can share my bed," said Junior, "But I have to warn you, I tend to get all sweaty and I'll try to cuddle the closest thing near me in my sleep."

"My advice it to place a protective wall between you too," said Rallo, "Preferably made from something he can't choke on. Or can, depending on if you like him or not."

"You sure you don't have a spare room?" asked Zeke.

"You can sleep in the spider filled attic," said Cleveland as he lead him to a door, "Ha ha! Just kidding! The spiders occupy the basement... in which you will also be occupying as it will be your living quarters."

Cleveland opens the door, revealing a dark basement littered with taped up boxes and covered in cobwebs.

"Wait, spiders?" asked Zeke, "I'm an arachnophobe!"

"Wowthat'sinterestinggoodnight!" said Cleveland quickly as he closed the basement door.

The next morning, the family was sitting down to breakfast. Meg was texting on her phone to Roberta.

"Oh my gosh!" said Meg excitedly, "You won't believe what Zeke did for Roberta this morning,"

"Nobody cares, Meg," said Peter frankly.

"Roberta woke up in a bed covered in roses," said Meg, "He forgot to remove the thorns and her bed sheets are permanently stained in blood, but it was so sweet."

"Aw, how romantic," said Lois.

"Oh please..." said Zack as he rolled his eyes, "There's something about that Zeke guy I don't like."

"Such as?" asked Lois.

"For starters, he claims that he was born in Quahog," said Zack, "But he needed directions to find the restaurant. Secondly, the license plate on his van says California, not Rhode Island. And thirdly, I've been robbed by every East Quahog High student back when I was a convenient store clerk and I've never seen him before. I think he's hiding something."

"I know why you don't like him," said Peter, "It's because you're a racist."

"Oh so because I'm wary of a guy who happens to be black, that makes me racist?" asked Zack.

"Actually, yes. It does," said Lois.

"No it doesn't!" said Zack, "Even if he were white, I still wouldn't like him!"

"Yeah, but then you wouldn't look like a racist," said Peter.

"That makes no sense!" said Zack, "So if he hated me and since I happen to be white, then that would make him a racist according to your logic."

"Don't be absurd," said Lois, "Black people can't be racist."

"Yeah," agreed Peter, "They can only be reverse racists."

"REVERSE RACISM IS STILL RACISM, YOU IDIOTS!" shouted Zack.

"I don't think Zack's a racist," said Meg, "I think he's just jealous."

"Why on earth would I be jealous of him when I have the hottest girl in Quahog?" asked Zack.

"You keep telling yourself that," said Lois smugly.

"He's only saying that because incest between brother and sister is illegal," said Maddie as she gave a sly grin to an angry Lois.

At that moment right next to Maddie, Brian's cellphone begins to ring which he quickly answers.

"Hey Lana," said Brian, "What's going on?"

"Brian, where were you?" asked Lana from the other end in a worried tone, "I thought you were coming to my place to watch a movie."

"Sorry, Lana, but I had to help a friend with something," said Brian, "And it really took a lot out of me, but I should be free now."

At that moment, Quagmire bursts in through the kitchen door.

"Hey, Brian," said Quagmire, "There's this Korean girl who's coming over to my house tonight who says she loves dogs. As in really loves them. So much that she can just eat them up, so I'm gonna need you to pretend to be my dog tonight."

"Sorry, Lana, change of plans," said Brian, "Maybe some other time?"

"I guess so," sighed Lana sadly, "See you later."

Brian then hangs up the phone and slumps his head forward onto the table.

"Being Quagmire's wingman sucks," said Brian, "I haven't had a job this crappy since that time I worked for Activision,"

**Flashback**

"We need ideas for a new game," said Activision CEO Bobby Kotick.

"How about Call of Duty with cops?" asked one of the chairmen, "People love shooting and hating cops these days."

"Call of Duty Unicorn Warfare," said another chairman, "There's a lot of potential money with the brony market."

"Why can't we just use one of the hundreds of other IP's we have?" asked Brian, "How about a real Spyro game, or a new Crash Bandicoot, or a sequel to Brutal Legend?"

Kotick stares at Brian for a second, and then promptly shoots him with a pistol.

"Wait! I got it!" said Kotick as he looked at his gun, "Call of Duty... with dogs!"

The boardroom then applauds.

**End Flashback**

"Long story short, I helped create Call of Duty: Ghosts," said Brian.

Meanwhile at the Brown home, Roberta was on her cell phone while Donna was reading a magazine. Cleveland comes from downstairs and was about to leave until Donna stops him.

"Cleveland, could you take out the trash before you go?" asked Donna, "And don't forget to recycle the newspapers."

"Recycling? But that'll take forever!" whined Cleveland, "Beside the comic section is already recycled... of old jokes."

"Already taken care of, Mr. B," said Zeke as he walked into the house, "The trash has been taken and recycled. By the way, I liked that recycling joke. It's funny because it's true. Garfield reused another joke verbatim today. It wasn't even that funny the first time he used it anyway.."

"See? He got it!" said Cleveland, "Anyway, I'm gonna go hang out with Peter and Joe!"

Cleveland then leaves the house.

"I guess I better start cleaning up..." said Donna.

"No need, Mrs. T-B," said Zeke, "I also cleaned the living room, cleaned out the garage, did the laundry, and I got rid of that creepy sound the boiler made. It was a ghost, by the way."

"Huh... So Cleveland wasn't lying about the ghost, then," said Donna, "I thought he was just being lazy again."

"He is great, isn't he?" asked Roberta.

"You know, I just might have to steal him from you," joked Donna.

"And I just might kill you if you do," said Roberta in the same joking tone as they both laughed, "Seriously, though, touch my man and I _will_ end you."

A few days later at the Drunken Clam, Joe and Peter were at their booth having a drink when Cleveland walks to their booth wearing his suspenders.

"Notice anything new," said Cleveland as he stretched his suspenders.

"Oh God, he's wearing the smug suspenders," said Peter in disdain, "What's new, Cleveland?"

"Oh nothing," said Cleveland, "Except that Roberta has the greatest boyfriend ever!"

"What are you even smug about, anyway?" asked Joe, "You didn't even set them up. Meg did."

"Yeah, but ever since he moved in I've been able to make him do my chores," said Cleveland, "You remember that boat I always said that I would build but never could because I never had the time. Well now I have all the free time in the world to procrastinate on building that boat! I've got my very own BlackZack!"

"Really?" asked Peter, "You're calling him BlackZack?"

"Well, yeah," said Cleveland, "He's black and he's living with me as my step-daughter's boyfriend like Zack did with Meg. What do you want me to call him?"

"Nothing... nothing..." said Peter, "It's just that it wouldn't be the first time that you ripped something off from me and turned it black."

Then for no reason whatsoever, The Cleveland Show logo appeared right next to Peter.

"Yeah, remember that?" asked Peter, "That was a thing."

"At least his show knew when to quit, you smug son of a bitch!" shouted a random voice from in the bar.

"HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!" shouted Peter, "HEY!... My show gets ratings. Shut up. Anyway, now that Roberta has a boyfriend, you're gonna have to be really careful when you want to prank her."

**Flashback**

Meg was walking down the hallway looking for Maddie.

"Maddie, it's time for your bath," said Meg.

Then out of nowhere Peter runs in, grabs her face and farts on it.

"Ha ha!" laughed Peter.

Meanwhile at the Pizzeria, Zack was ringing up a customer.

"That'll be $9.99," said Zack.

Suddenly his Zack senses begin tingling and he runs out of the restaurant at blazing speed like the Flash. He runs past traffic, past a woman making her dress whoosh up revealing her panties, runs past a building causing the glass to shatter, runs into Spooner Street, into the house past Lois, upstairs past Chris, and punches Peter in the back of the head, knocking him out.

"How come you're never this fast when I need you to help me with chores?" asked Meg irritated.

"I have no control over these random cutaway abilities and forms," said Zack, "They're like those cutscene abilities in video games that you can't do in the actual game..."

**Flashback**

A Little later at the Griffin house, Maddie and Stewie were sitting in the living room watching TV as Brian entered the house. His fur is all tattered and bruised, and he's wearing a cartoonish burglar costume.

"My God, Brian!" said Stewie in concern and shock, "You look like a wreck!"

"Yeah, what happened?" asked Maddie, "And what's with the robber costume?"

"Quagmire came up with a new character for me called the Clamburgler," said Brian, "You can probably guess how things go from there."

"Why?" asked Maddie, "I don't get it. Why clams? Are you stealing clams now?"

"I'll explain it when you're older," said Brian.

"If you hate it so much, you should just quit," said Stewie.

"I can't do that," said Brian, "If I do, then Quagmire will tell Mrs. Lockhart that I kissed Brianne."

"But you haven't even talked to her in days," said Maddie, "She's going to get suspicious sooner or later."

At that moment, Brianne opens the front door and walks inside.

"Hey Brian, do you have any extra flea collars?" asked Brianne, "I think Vinny might have fleas. You never know what butts that guy keeps sniffing..."

"They're in the refrigerator hidden in the vegetable crisper," said Brian, "It was the only way to keep Chris from finding and chewing them."

Brianne walks into the room and notices that Brian is beat up and dressed in a torn up burglar costume.

"What's with the burglar costume?" asked Brianne, "Are you and Lana trying a role play bedroom fantasy? Because there is such a thing called safe words. Otherwise it becomes rape."

"Brian is being Quagmire's wingman so he won't tell Mrs. Lockhart that he kissed you," said Maddie.

"What?!" asked Brianne in shock.

"What the hell, Maddie?" asked Brian angrily, "You weren't supposed to tell anyone!"

"No, you said this information never leaves this room," said Maddie, "Brianne just so happens to be in the very room so technically the information never left."

"She's got you there, Brian," said Stewie.

"Brian, why didn't you tell me?" asked Brianne, "You shouldn't let Quagmire do this to you!"

"It's okay," said Brian, "Maybe after a few more wingman jobs, we could actually be friends and he'll forget about the whole thing."

"You know Quagmire hates your guts," said Brianne, "And he's doing this to humiliate you for his personal gain!"

"Yeah, this will only end in disaster," said Maddie, "Like when grandpa tried to be a doctor."

**Flashback**

A man is sitting in a doctor's office with Peter who is dressed as a doctor.

"Dr. Griffin, I don't feel so good," said the man, "Will you help me?"

"I have just the thing," said Peter, "I am going to throw these pills into your mouth and see what happens."

The scene suddenly changes to an 8-bit game that was suspiciously like Dr. Mario. An 8-bit Peter tosses in random pills and attempts to land them in random viruses each resembling Meg, Brian, and Zack. Peter manages to kill all the Zack viruses this way, and then most of the Brian viruses, but he never seems to get any matching colors for the Meg virus.

"Damn it! It keeps giving me crap pills!" said Peter, "OH CRAP! OH CRAP! THEY'RE FALLING FASTER!"

This keeps happening until he reaches the top and gets a game over. The scene then cuts back to the doctor's office where the patient has a mouth full of pills and is drooling and foaming from overdose.

"I just realized I do not have a doctorate's degree..." said Peter, "In hindsight I probably should've made you sign a waver _before_ I did this."

**End Flashback**

Meg, Roberta, Raven, Ruth, Esther, Patty, and Beth were all hanging out at the park as Roberta was showing off pictures of herself and Zeke.

"This was us this morning," said Roberta, "And this is us cuddling on the couch. And this is us taking a selfie..."

"Lord, this is even worse than Federline," groaned Raven.

"Because she's been talking about him nonstop?" asked Meg.

"No, because he doesn't look as douchey as Federline so I can't hate him as much!" said Raven.

"Ooh, someone's a jealous spinster," teased Patty.

"Cork it, Patty," said Raven irritated, "We all agreed that if anyone's likely to die alone, it's you."

"It's true," said Ruth, "We all voted."

"How did you come to that decision?" asked Patty.

"We believe that Beth will get married to some guy," said Meg, "Esther will end up pregnant in a one night stand, Raven gets married to either Death or Satan, Ruth ends up buried in someone's basement with a bunch of other girls, and that just leaves you."

"And that's a best case scenario," said Raven, "That should happen if I _don't_ kill you in a fit of rage first."

As they continued speaking, the girls are then approached by the two African American teenage boys dressed in blue. The seem to particularly have their attention on Roberta.

"Can I help you?" asked Roberta in an irritated tone.

"We're friends of Zeke Williams," said Shades, "He wanted us to pick you up and take you home."

"That's weird..." said Roberta, "Why would he need someone to take me home when I live down the street?"

"He insisted," growled Shades as Afro grab Roberta from behind.

She instinctively stomps on his foot. As he yelps in pain, Roberta escapes from his grab. Suddenly, more blue-clad gang bangers how up.

"Run!" shouts Roberta as the 7 teen girls run away with the thugs in pursuit.

"What do you think they want with us?" asked Meg.

"I don't know and I'm not sticking around to find out!" said Raven.

Afro pulls out his gun and begins shooting at them, before Shades slaps it away.

"What the hell's wrong with you?" asked Shades, "The boss said he wants her _alive_!"

"I'm sorry," said Afro, "I only know how to solve things by shooting them or slapping them like bitches. Works great on my TV and computer."

"Like I said: no self control," said Shades.

As the girls keep running, they come across an intersection.

"Let's split up," said Meg, "Raven, Roberta, and I go right. You guys go left and don't appear in the rest of the chapter!"

Meg, Roberta, and Raven head right through an urban area with the gang right on their tails. They try cutting through an alley, but they see that it's blocked by a chain link fence. Raven is the first one to climb over. Meg begins to climb and makes it to the top. As Roberta tries to climb, on of the thugs grab her leg and pulls her down.

"Let me go!" Roberta protested, "Help!"

"Leave her alone!" shouted Meg as she hopped off the fence and punched the thug off of her friend.

But the girls end up becoming overwhelmed by the sheer number of thugs, and are then grabbed and are both knocked unconscious.

"Meg! Roberta!" shouted Raven.

Realizing that she was outnumbered and that there was nothing she could do, she bolts out of there towards the direction of Spooner street.

"The goth kid got away," said Afro.

"What do we do about this one?" asked Afro holding Meg, "Should I shoot her?"

"You crazy?" asked the Shades, "We shoot a white girl and our gang's as good as over. We better just take her back with us. Let the boss decide."

Meanwhile at the Griffin house, the Browns and the Griffins were in the living room talking, when there was frantic knocking on the front door. Donna answers it and sees Raven looking a little worse for wear, catching her breath as he make up was smeared.

"Raven? What happened? Where's Roberta and Meg?" asked Donna.

"Roberta... Meg... Kidnapped... gang..." panted Raven between breaths.

"Meg and Roberta have been kidnapped by a gang?" asked Lois in horror.

"No, she said Meg and Roberta kidnapped a gang," said Peter, "Do you NOT have your listening ears on at all, Lois?"

"How thick are you, numbskull?!" asked Raven angrily, "I was saying Meg and Roberta got kidnapped by a gang. I was catching my breath because I was running for my life! Something that you wouldn't know about would you you walking heart attack?"

"What the hell do they want with Roberta and Meg?" asked Zack worriedly as he then turned to Peter and Cleveland, "You two better not have been in gambling debt again."

"Wasn't us," said Peter.

"Yeah, what do you take us for? Fools" said Cleveland as he was met with a scowl from Zack, "Judging from your scowl, I'm going to say yes."

"The guys who took them claimed they were friends of Zeke's," said Raven as she angrily glared at Zeke.

"I knew it!" said Zack as he angrily grabbed Zeke by the collar, "I knew there was something up with you! If anything happens to my Meg, so help me I'll-"

"I didn't kidnap them!" said Zeke, "It must've been my old gang! They must've found me again!"

"WHAT?!" shouted Donna angrily, "You were involved in a gang?!"

"I used to run with some gang bangers back in the day," said Zeke, "But not anymore! In fact, the reason I came to Quahog was to get away from them!"

"I think it's time you told us the truth," said Cleveland.

"The truth is my real name is Zayn Wilson," said Zeke, "But I really am 16, though. When I was 13, my brother and I used to run with this gang back in California. It was the only way we knew how to survive since our dad left us after I was born and my mama was working 2 minimum wage jobs. Even back then I was pretty soft since I never had the guts to kill anyone. I also had a girlfriend named Rosa. She was everything to me. One day we were at a park when we got caught in a gang crossfire. She didn't survive. That was when I decided to quit the gang. The police said that they would lower my sentence if I testified against my brother, to which I agreed, but then the gang found out and put a bounty on my head. I was relocated a few times before coming here as part of the witness protection program and became a DJ."

"Whoa... that's pretty heavy," said Zack, "I didn't know you went through all that. I'm sorry..."

"I don't blame you for putting your hands on me..." said Zeke "I didn't mean to put Roberta or Meg through this."

"Those thugs have my baby!" said Lois worriedly, "What do we do, Peter?"

"Only thing we can do," said Peter, "We call Jillian and tell her to tell Tilly to fire up the cloner to clone a new Meg. But tell her to make her sound like Lacey Chabert. Cleveland and Donna, we have no DNA of Roberta so you're pretty much screwed."

"Or we could go and rescue them ourselves," said Zack.

"No way! These guys are dangerous," said Zeke as he pulled out a pistol from his pants, "I'll go myself. It's time I stopped running and faced the reaper head on."

"Like fun you will!" said Zack as he grabbed his shotgun, "I'm going with you! They got my girl, too, so I think it's only fair I risk my life, too."

"Raven, you look after Stewie, Maddie, and Rallo," said Lois, "While these two play cowboys, the rest of us are going to be sensible and go to the police."

"Yeah, leave us all alone with the skinny goth chick while there could be more gang bangers out there to kidnap us," said Rallo, "That's responsible."

"No, Raven's a cool babysitter," said Maddie, "Who you really don't want to be left alone with is Uncle Chris."

**Flashback**

Chris, Stewie, Maddie, and Cody are standing outside of the Griffin home which is on fire as the fire department are putting it out.

"How do you set a bottle of milk on fire?" asked Cody.

"You mean how did those black teenagers who did this set a bottle of milk on fire?" asked Chris.

"You can't keep blaming every stupid you do on black teenagers," said Stewie.

"...You mean I can't keep blaming every stupid thing I do on Hispanic teenagers," said Chris.

**End Flashback**

Meanwhile at the Drunken Clam, Brian walks into the bar and over to Quagmire.

"You said you needed me for something?" asked Brian.

"Yeah, see that hot chick over there?" asked Quagmire pointing to a brunette, "Well she says that let she'll me bang her if I can hook up her friend with someone."

"Which one is her friend?" asked Brian.

"She that hot redhead?" asked Quagmire.

"Yeah?" asked Brian.

"Well she's the fat one standing behind to her," said Quagmire.

"I can't do this," said Brian, "I can't just cheat on Lana just so you can get laid. Even if she was the hot redhead."

"Newsflash, Brian," said Quagmire, "You already cheated on Lana. Or maybe she needs to learn about your little kiss."

Just at that moment, Mrs. Lockhart enters the bar.

"Lana?" asked Brian.

"Speak of the devil... Hey there, Mrs. Lockhart," said Quagmire as he walked up to her, "You're just in time. There's something you need to know about Brian."

"Save it, Quagmire," said Lana, "I already know about the kiss."

"Wait, you do?" asked Brian, "But how?"

"Maddie told Brianne and Brianne told me everything," said Lana, "Brian, why didn't you just tell me?"

"I'm sorry, Lana," said Brian ashamedly, "That kiss between me and Brianne was a total heat of the moment thing and I didn't know how you'd react."

"Well it appears that you two have stuff to work out," said Quagmire apathetically, "Just let me get my camera phone ready and I'll be on my way after you're done beating Brian to a pulp and dumping him. It'll make a great viral video."

"Not so fast," said Lana as she pointed to Quagmire, "You should be ashamed of yourself!"

"Me? What about him?" asked Quagmire, "He kissed another girl knowing that he was in a relationship with you!"

"Why are you so fixated on pointing out his flaws, anyway?" asked Lana in an irritated manner, "Why do you have to bring Brian down every chance you get?"

"Come on, he's totally asking for it!" said Quagmire, "The guy is a pompous, arrogant jerk. He's always looking down on other people for their beliefs, he's a sponge with no job who mooches off his best friend and repays him by hitting on his wife, he thinks he's some great writer when he's terrible, he constantly goes on about his liberal agenda but never does a damn thing about it while I at least help at the soup kitchen, he's a failure of a father, he pretends to be a deep guy who loves women for their souls when he only dates bimbos-"

"Bimbos? Excuse me?!" asked Lana angrily as she walked to Quagmire and shoved him against a wall, "You want to talk about assholes, let's talk about _you_! You said that you hate this guy for constantly hitting on his best friend's wife, but he's not the only one who does. Now who else does it? Oh that's right, it's **you**! TWICE! Twice because you not only hit on Lois, but you also ruined Cleveland's first marriage by having an affair with Loretta behind his back. You have the audacity to call Brian out for hitting on Lois with a straight face when you've not only hit on Lois countless times, you also collect her toenail clippings and hair and you were caught spying on her in the women's bathroom like some sick freak! But why stop there? Not only do you hit on your best friend's wife, but also his daughter. His 17 year old daughter. His 17 year old _married_ daughter with a child! You're lucky I've never told Zack about this or he'd tear you 10 new assholes and a second mouth. And sure, Brian may have dated bimbos but at least he never gave any of them roofies, VD, attempted to rape them, or had the nerve to lie about using a condom! And he also didn't keep a bunch of Asian sex slaves in his garage or tried to take advantage of a tied up middle school cheerleader, but you're honest about it so that makes it okay. Um, no it doesn't! And you want to call Brian a failure of a father? What about you? How about the fact that you only put your daughter up for adoption because she was getting in the way of your sex life and then said that you're going to have sex with her once she turns 18? And then there's Phoebe, and God knows how many other children of yours around the world that you've never even bothered to support! How are they doing, by the way? And what did you get them for their last birthdays? Oh, but that's okay because you're honest about it! And he never does anything to help the community? Well he helped legalize gay marriage in Quahog. Something that you were against, you homophobe! He also helped destroy a Megastore that was stealing everyone's jobs and electricity! Where where _you_? Oh wait, you were helping out in the soup kitchen. Are you really helping out of the bottom of your heart, or because the homeless women will do anything for a Snickers bar? I think the increasing STD's found in the dead homeless women during autopsies say the latter. It's one thing to hate Brian and you're free to do so. But it's another to act like that you're a better person than him while putting him down when you clearly aren't! Brian may be far from perfect, but he's still a better person compared to you! If he is scum of the Earth, then that makes you the lowest piece of human filth to ever grace this planet and if I ever see you messing with Brian ever again, I will find you and I will personally make every moment of your life a living Hell until the day you die! And should you somehow get into heaven, you better hope I become immortal. Otherwise I will claw my way out of the fiery depths of Hell and should I find you I will make every moment of your afterlife an eternity of pain and misery and make you wish God had rightfully sent you to Hell! GOT IT?"

"Y-y-y-yes ma'am!" stammered Quagmire.

"Now get out of my sight!" she growled as Quagmire ran out of the bar, crying.

Brian just stood there with his mouth hanging wide open, still trying to process what just happened.

"...Holy shit!" was all Brian could say, "Anyway, I'm sorry I didn't tell you about this. I don't deserve you..."

"Don't worry about it," said Lana, "Next time, just be honest with me instead of hiding it. We're in a relationship after all. And by the way, you _do_ deserve me."

"You really think so?" asked Brian.

"Seriously, someone has to be there fore you to put that big chinned hypocrite in his place," said Lana, "Now what do you say we finally go on that date you promised me?"

"I'd like that Lana," said Brian.

They both leave the Drunken Clam, holding each other's hands while looking into each other's eyes lovingly. Meanwhile in an abandoned 3 story house, Meg and Roberta finally come to. As they awaken, they find themselves tied up to chairs. They are then confronted by a young adult black male who wore a blue bandana, a white wife beater, sagging pants, and work boots. He had cornrows, a beard, and facially resembled Zeke.

"Good, you're awake," said the man.

"Who are you and what do you want with us?" asked Roberta.

"You can call me Big T," said Big T, "And you're here because we know about all about you and Big Z."

"Who the hell is Big Z?" asked Roberta.

"I forgot, you only know him as Zeke Williams," said Big T, "That's not even his real name. In fact there's a lot about him you don't know."

"Well I do know that he loves me!" said Roberta, "And I love him!"

"Oh, I'm counting on that," said Big T, "The guy's such a softie that we figure that he'd give anything to get you back."

"And if he can't pay you?" asked Roberta.

"Then we put you two up for sale in our sex slave auction," said Big T, "They'll pay big money for a fine ass girl like you," he then turns to Meg, "You... I might just keep you for myself. You got a nice ass for a white girl. None of that skinny pancake butt shit white guys like."

"Wait, you can't sell us!" panicked Meg, "I have a one year old little girl and a two year old boy at home!"

"We can go pick them up and sell them, too," said Big T, "We don't discriminate in age or gender."

Outside of the abandoned house, Shades and Afro was standing guard watching the back door. Out of nowhere, a porn magazine slides across the floor in front of the two thugs.

"Alright! Free porn!" said Afro.

"You don't want that," said Shades, "It's been on the floor."

"Hey, five second rule," said Afro.

As the two are distracted by the nudy magazine, Zack and Zeke sneak up behind them and knock their heads together which renders them unconscious. Meanwhile in the third floor of the house, Meg and Roberta are still trying to struggle out of their binds.

"This is bad," said Roberta.

"I know," said Meg, "We're both tied up in a house filled with a bunch of big black gang bangers, helpless, so far away that nobody would be able to hear us if they suddenly decided to rip our clothes and have our way with us as we scream-"

"Wait a minute..." said Roberta in confusion, "Are you actually getting turned on by this?"

"...A little..." said Meg sheepish.

"Meg, that is disgu- oh who am I kidding? So am I," sighed Roberta ashamedly, "We're messed up people."

Suddenly, more punching, grunts, then a few guns shots and a shotgun sound are heard from down the hall. After a few seconds of silence, Zack and Zeke enter the room.

"Meg!" said Zack worriedly, "Are you okay!"

"Roberta!" said Zeke.

"Zeke, get out of here!" said Roberta, "It's a trap!"

Big T comes out of the closet with his gun aimed at Zack and Zack.

"That's right, fool," said Big T, "And if you make some kind of gay joke about me in the closet, Imma shoot you right now. Now drop your weapons and put your hands up."

Zack and Zeke respond by dropping their guns and putting their hands in their air.

"Just what do you want, Tyrone?" asked Zeke, "Is this about getting even with me ratting you guys out?"

"It's not just about that," said Big T, "It's about trust. If you can't trust you own blood brother then who can you trust?"

"Blood brother?" asked Roberta, "You mean he's your brother?"

"You're beef is with me, bro," said Zeke, "Leave Roberta out of this."

"I can't do that," said Big T, "She's the perfect bargaining chip. With her, I can make you do whatever I want."

"And just what do you want?" asked Zeke.

"I want you to roll with my crew," said Big T, "Just like the good old days."

"There was nothing good about those days, Tyrone," said Zeke.

"I don't think you got much of a choice," said Big T as he pointed his gun at Roberta's head, "Not unless you want your girl to get a free back alley lobotomy."

"That's just like you, Tyrone!" said Zeke, "Always hiding behind your gun like a little bitch cause you don't got the balls to fight me like a man!"

"A little bitch?" asked Big T angrily, "If I'm such a little bitch then why do I got your woman and her friend?"

"Cause you snuck up behind them and hit two small girls like a little bitch!" said Zeke.

"Oh that's it," said Big T as he threw his gun down, "Let's throw down, Rihanna!"

"Rihanna?" asked Zeke confused.

"Cause I'm Chris Brown and Imma fuck yo ass up!" said Big T.

"You're six years late to the party," said Roberta dryly.

"Shut up, bitch!" shouted Big T as he slapped Roberta.

Zeke angrily tackles his brother to the ground, the two keep exchanging blows They keep exchanging punches until Tyrone gets the upper hand. He then pulls out another gun and aims it at Zeke's head.

"Any last words, little bro?" asked Big T.

"Yeah! How about bye!" asked Roberta as she was untied and had a gun pointed at Big T.

Before he could react, Roberta shoots him in the chest. He then stumbles backwards and falls out a window to his supposed death.

"MY ONLY REGRET IS THAT I GOT SHOT!" shouted Tyrone as he fell to the ground, seemingly to his death.

"Roberta?" asked Zeke in shock.

"Zack untied us while you two were fighting," said Roberta, "I'm sorry about your brother."

"That wasn't my brother," said Zeke solemnly, "At least, not anymore..."

Suddenly Lois, Donna, Peter, Cleveland, Joe, Brianne and a bunch of other police officers show up into the room.

"And here comes the cavalry," said Zack, "Late as usual."

"Sorry," said Joe, "This house isn't exactly wheelchair accessible..."

"So what happened here?" asked Brianne as she noticed the broken window.

"You could say someone had to make a _trip_ before _fall_," said Meg.

"My brother just died..." said Zeke, "The least you could've done was make a _good_ pun."

"Well, I think we all learned something very important today," said Cleveland.

"That you shouldn't run away from your past?" asked Zeke, "Because it will eventually catch up with you and that it's better to face it sooner rather than later or else the ones you love could get caught in the crossfire?"

"No," said Cleveland, "That calling the police was a waste of time. Now as for you, Zeke..."

"I know. I'm sorry about all this," said Zeke, "I didn't mean to put Roberta or the family in any danger. I'll pack up my stuff and be gone by the end of the night."

"Actually, we want you to stay," said Donna, "If not for you, my baby wouldn't be alive right now."

"Actually, if it wasn't for him, Roberta wouldn't have been kidnapped in the first place," said Cleveland.

"Cleveland!" growled Donna.

"What? I'm just stating the facts," said Cleveland, "But nonetheless, we want you to be part of our family. A strange family where the son and daughter kiss each other, but a family nonetheless."

"Sounds like the foster system, minus the occasional molesting," said Peter.

"Oh, Zeke!" said Roberta as she embraced her boyfriend.

"So what happens now?" asked Zeke.

"I say we do something about your brother's body," said Zack.

As they look out the window, they noticed that his body is no longer in the crater.

"What?" asked Roberta in shock, "But that's impossible!"

"That means he could still be out there," said Donna worriedly, "He could come back for revenge at any given mo-"

"No, wait, there he is," said Cleveland.

Tyrone was slowly dragging his injured self away from yard. Zack takes off his shoe and throws it at his head, knocking him out.

"Huh... you'd think a bullet to the chest and a 3 story fall would've killed him..." said Zeke.

"We should probably arrest that guy," said Joe.

The next morning in the Griffin living room, the family was watching TV as per the norm.

"Well I'm glad all that's over," said Lois, "Zeke's going to testify against his brother's gang and is being pardoned for his past crimes."

"I'm also glad that the Browns let Zeke stay with them," said Meg, "And I'm also glad that Roberta still has a boyfriend. Wonder how their relationship will go?"

"As long as Roberta doesn't end up pregnant, I'm fine with that," said Peter, "We need another talking baby like we need Zack attempting to jump a tank of sharks..."

"Speaking of kids, has anyone seen Cody?" asked Meg.

"Now that you mention it, he hasn't been involved in any of our adventures lately," said Zack, "What do you think he's been doing?"

Suddenly, a glowing Pentagram appears in the middle of the floor and in a burst of flames appears Cody wearing demonic armor and holding a flaming sword.

"Cody?" asked Meg in shock, "What happened to you?"

"You guys wouldn't believe the awesome adventure I just had!" said Cody excitedly.

"Why don't you tell us all about it," said Peter.

Before Cody could even say a word, the screen then abruptly cuts to black.

**End Chapter**


	7. Cody's Ticket

**Chapter 6: Cody's Ticket**

One afternoon at the Quahog Preschool Center, Zack and Meg were speaking with Mrs. Lockhart during after school hours.

"Thank you for coming, Mr. and Mrs. Murdock," said Mrs. Lockhart.

"What did Maddie do this time?" asked Zack boredly.

"Zack!" said Meg angrily.

"What? Every time we get called here, it's usually something that Maddie did," said Zack, "Don't you remember her role in the great crayon war of 2014?"

"Oh God," groaned Meg, "It took mom and I weeks to clean her and Stewie's clothes..."

"Actually, I wanted to talk to you about Cody," said Mrs. Lockhart, "While Maddie and Eliza have their spats, she generally gets along with others. Cody, on the other hand, has been acting rather anti-social as of late."

"Anti-social? asked Meg worriedly, "Exactly how anti-social is he?"

"He once threatened to stab a boy in the eye with a red crayon," said Mrs. Lockhart.

"Oh my God!" said Meg in shock.

"And that was one of the milder threats," said Mrs. Lockhart, "He's also been bullying the smaller kids; Janet being a particularly favorite target of his."

"That's usually how boys show how they like a girl," said Zack, "You gotta love those young crushes..."

"I'm not sure if you could call super gluing a little girl's head to her desk romantic," said Mrs. Lockhart, "Especially since her parents are very angry that she now has a bald spot and must wear a hat for a couple of months."

"Oooooh... That's definitely a valid concern," said a now worried Zack.

"And yesterday, during finger painting, he painted this," continued Mrs. Lockhart as she handed Zack and Meg a piece of paper.

Cody's painting shows Quahog under a rain of fireballs with himself as the evil overseer laughing evilly, as the people of Quahog scream in agony. Peter, in particular, is horribly disfigured and bleeding.

"Psychological implications aside, this would make a great metal album cover," said Zack.

"Yeah, this is actually some great craftsmanship," said Meg.

"Talented as it may be, it does show a very unsettling deep rooted problem," said Mrs. Lockhart "Is there any particular reason Cody could be acting out this way?"

"We're not sure," said Meg, "He's normally a good kid. He usually would sit in the background, barely causing trouble. I don't know where this is coming from."

"What do you think we should do?" asked Zack.

"Well, I recommend talking to him to find out where all this anger is coming from," said Mrs. Lockhart, "If he keeps this up, he could grow up to become a horrible person."

**Cutaway**

40 years in the possible future in front of the white house...

"Ladies and gentleman," said a male speaker, "Our newest Republican President, Cody Murdock."

Cody then walks up to the podium.

"As the United States' newest white president, I'd like to make a few changes to this country," said Cody, "All welfare programs will be cut, the rich will be getting a 100% tax cuts, being gay is now an offense punishable by death, it is now illegal to _not_ own a gun, all illegal immigrants will be deported except for the white ones, all police officers who shot black people are pardoned, women are not allowed to vote anymore, going to church on Sundays is now mandatory by law, I now declare war with every other country on the planet-"

The video then pauses and Zack's voice can be heard.

_"I apologize to all of our conservative readers out there," said Zack, "Brian insisted on writing this joke. We thought it was a good idea at the time, but I think he went a little too strawman with this bit. Seriously, he just went nuts here."_

**End Cutaway**

Later, Zack and Meg arrive at home... to find the house a complete mess. Furniture was destroyed, glass was shattered, and there was a small fire. Peter, Lois, Chris, Brian, and Stewie however, were sitting on the couch and seemed oblivious to all this.

"What the hell happened?" asked Meg.

"Oh... Cody's throwing another violent tantrum," said Lois nonchalantly.

"Wait, you mean you know what's happening?" asked Meg angrily, "And you didn't do anything about."

"What? Why the hell would we do that?" said Peter, "He's not our kid."

"Yeah, you need to raise your own kids, Meg," said Lois.

"And you wonder why we never go on vacation..." said Zack to Meg.

"Wait... Where's Maddie?" asked a horrified Meg, "WHERE'S MY BABY?"

"Up here," said Maddie who was duct taped to the ceiling.

"Oh my god! What did Cody do to you?" asked Meg.

"I did this to myself to avoid Cody's wrath," said Maddie, "The sofa's surprisingly bouncy."

Meg stands on the couch and pulls her daughter from the ceiling. Cody then enters the room holding a baseball bat.

"Cody, what the Hell is wrong with you?!" asked Zack angrily as he snatched away the baseball bat.

"Why are you so angry?" asked Meg.

"You want to know why I'm angry?" asked Cody.

"Yes!" said Meg.

"YOU _REALLY_ WANT TO KNOW WHY I'M SO ANGRY!" shouted Cody.

"YES!" shouted Meg.

Cody glares at his step-mother angrily before he broke down, sobbing.

"Last Saturday was my birthday and nobody remembered or even cared!" he sobbed.

"Oh, poor baby..." said Meg as she hugged her step-son.

"I don't see what's the big deal," said Peter, "We forget Meg's birthday all the time and she turned out fine."

"If you call being an emotional suicidal wreck fine, then sure, she turned out fine," said Zack.

"Don't think of her as an emotional wreck," said Peter, "Think of her as a fixer upper."

"Don't make me use this," said Zack as he pointed the bat to Peter.

"Well, we're going to fix this," said Meg, "Tomorrow, you're having a belated birthday party."

"Really?" asked Cody as he wiped a tear.

"Yeah, and it's gonna have the works," said Zack, "A cake, games, party favors, a band..."

"And clowns!" said Peter excitedly.

"Oh no it won't!" said Lois, "You hired a clown for Chris' 15th birthday and you remember how badly that turned out..."

**Flashback**

A few months ago, everyone was having a good time in the backyard during Chris' 15th birthday. Then Peter shows up on the stage...

"Ladies and Gentleman, the moment you've all been waiting for," said Peter, "Allow me to introduce you to Blacko the clown!"

A white man wearing baggy clothes and blackface walks on stage.

"Peter, do you know what the hell that is?" asked Lois in shock.

"Yeah, it's a clown," chuckled Peter, "Trust me, his shtick is hilarious."

"Hiya, kids!" said Blacko, "Anyway, what's the deal with fried chicken, watermelon, food stamps, and Obama? Crazy, huh?"

The parents cover their childrens' eyes and ears as they look in shock. One of the dads laugh, until he is met with the angry glare of his wife.

"Uh... Say, who wants to see me make balloon animals?" asked the "clown" nervously as he pulled out some brown balloons, "Look kids, an African Monkey!"

"Wait, a minute! That balloon's in the shape of ME!" said Cleveland angrily.

"YOU SUCK!" shouted Jillian.

The audience then boos and throws trash at him.

**End Flashback**

The next afternoon in the Griffin house, the family threw a party for Cody like they said and everything was going as planned. Children came despite Cody bullying them beforehand(mostly because they were paid 5 dollars each to show up). Despite all that, they were all having a good time.

"Wow, you did a great job on this party," said Lois.

"Thanks mom," said Meg.

"I mean a really nice job," said Lois, "I thought this would be a hot mess."

"Uh... thanks?" asked Meg uneasily.

"I mean I didn't think you'd know the first thing about parties," said Lois, "Seeing as you've never been invited to one or threw one."

"Um, mom..."

"Well, actually, you have had parties," said Lois, "Just nobody would show up, which I thought would happen to this one."

"Mom?"

"Yes Meg?"

"Shut up," said Meg.

Meanwhile at the other side of the room, Cody was talking with Stewie and Maddie.

"So what do you think of the party mom threw?" asked Maddie.

"This is actually pretty nice," said Cody, "My real mom never really threw me parties. Hell, she'd just get a piece of bread, cover it in cake frosting, put a candle on it and called it a cake."

"Uh oh, here comes Janet," said Stewie, "Do you think she's still mad about the glue thing?"

Janet walks up to Cody while wearing a large sun hat to cover her bald head.

"I'm sorry I glued your hair to your desk, Janet," said Cody, "Are we cool?"

She angrily punches Cody in the stomach, which causes him to double over in agony.

"Yeeeeeah, she's still mad about the glue thing," said Stewie.

"C'mon, Janet," said Maddie as she lead her friend away, "Let's go get some cookies."

The doorbell rings and Meg goes to answer. She opens the door and there stands the Browns-Tubbs.

"Hi Mr. &amp; Mrs Brown," greeted Meg.

"Thanks for letting Rallo come to Cody's birthday party," said Donna.

"It's no problem, Mrs. Tubbs," said Meg, "Or is it Mrs. Brown?"

"You can just call me Donna," said Donna, "It's just a shame that since we moved to Quahog, Rallo doesn't really have many friends."

"You'd think he and Stewie would try to be friends," said Meg.

"Are you kidding?" asked Zack, "If Maddie didn't have to share a room with him, his only friend would be a grown dog. You'd have to be pretty lame to hang out with just a baby all day."

"You know, just because you can't see me doesn't mean I'm out of earshot," said Brian from off screen.

"Anyway, Zeke and I bought Cody a present," said Roberta.

"It's an MP3 player," said Zeke, "It's already preloaded with Death Metal."

"Just put it on the table with the others and make yourselves at home," said Meg.

Rallo walks away from his family and walks up to Cody.

"Sup? Name's Rallo Tubbs," greeted Rallo as he extended his hand to Cody, "I live with the Browns across the street. You probably know my step dad Cleveland."

"Keep walking, you Boondocks wannabe," said Stewie.

"Zip it, buttweenie!" said Cody , "It's _my_ party and _I_ say who stays. Anyway, my name's Cody," he said as he shook Rallo's hand, "Cody Murdock. How come I don't see you around here often?"

"'Cause Hey Arnold over there never invites me over," said Rallo pointing to Stewie.

"What? But I'm nothing like Hey Arnold!" protested Stewie.

"And he's nothing like Huey Freeman from the Boondocks," said Maddie as she returned to the group, "But that didn't stop you from being a dick towards him."

"Say, you seem like an okay kid." said Cody, "How would you like to be my token black friend?"

"Token black friend, huh?" asked Rallo, "I don't know... Sounds degrading. But let me just see what my schedule says."

Rallo opens a schedule book and all throughout it, it says "no appearance" on most days, and "non speaking cameo" on a few other days.

"I think I can pencil you in, new white friend," said Rallo.

Tilly walks by and notices Rallo talking to Cody.

"I see Cody's met Rallo," said Tilly.

"Wait, you know Rallo?" asked Maddie.

"Actually, I know him through CJ," said Tilly, "That and he looked up my skirt once. He won't be doing that again."

"Yeah, this afro's good at hiding scars," said Rallo, "You wanna see the one _Olivia_ gave me?"

"Uh oh. Limey at twelve o'clock," said Maddie pointing to Eliza.

"Zip it, yank! I'm only here because me step-mum made me come," said Eliza as she handed Cody a box, "Anyway, happy birthday or whatever..."

Cody opens his box and sees a Ghost Rider limited edition action figure.

"A Ghost Rider action figure!" said Cody excitedly, "How did you know I wanted this?"

"I-it was just some junk I grabbed without thinking," stammered Eliza, "I-it's not like I bought it cause I like you or anything..."

"Okay then," said Cody.

"I mean, sure you're cute and you do 'ave nice hair," said Eliza, "But your sista is a complete wanka."

"Sure..." said Cody.

"Could you imagine me and you together?" asked Eliza, "That's just ridiculous!"

"I get it, you're Tsundere over me," said Cody.

"N-no I'm not! Baka, I mean wanka!" stuttered Eliza.

Raven walks up to Cody with a wrapped box and a card.

"Hey there, little hell raiser," said Raven.

"Right back at ya, necro lady," said Cody.

"Anyway, Happy Birthday," said Raven, "I got you this birthday card."

"_Happy Birthday, you little silly head_," said Cody as he read the card, "_You're one year closer to being dead_."

"Don't you think that's a little macabre for a child his age?" asked Lois.

"I think it's beautiful," sniffled Cody as he hugged Raven.

"I also got you this," said Raven as she pulled out what looked like a tiny guillotine.

"Cool! A mini guillotine!" said Cody in awe.

"It's a doll and action figure beheader," said Raven, "Check it out."

She demonstrated by beheading a talking Barbie doll. The device slices her head clean off.

"Now I've lost enough weight so Ken can love me," said the doll.

"Awesome!" said Cody.

"Are you sure something like that is appropriate for a boy his age?" asked Lois.

"I said it was a doll AND action figure beheader," said Raven, "It's a gender neutral toy. I'm kidding. The toy is totally safe as long as you don't let an idiot handle it."

"Quick question, Raven," said Peter, "Could I fit my penis into that thing."

"Like I said, totally safe as long as you don't let an idiot handle it," said Raven.

"Look at all those presents," said Cody as he looked at the table stacked full of boxes and then turned to Peter, "So what did you get me, fatso?"

"Well... I..." stuttered Peter.

"You did get Cody a present, didn't you?" asked Lois.

"Of course I did," said Peter, "How dare you accuse me of being inconsiderate towards my grandson! It's uh... in the car. Just let me go get it..."

He then runs outside the front door and suddenly, the sound of the car loudly driving out of the driveway could be heard. Peter then runs back into the house.

"Lois, call the cops! Somebody just jacked our car!" said Peter.

An hour later after getting his car back, Peter returns with a large gift wrapped box.

"You think that baby guillotine was cool?" asked Peter "Well I got something that'll make all those other presents wet their pants! Happy Birthday, Cody!"

Cody excitedly rips off the wrapper paper, opens the box and finds... a piece of paper.

"A scratch n' win ticket?" asked Cody unenthusiastically,

"It's funny because you thought it was a big present," chuckled Peter.

"Might as well do this just to humor you..." said Cody as he began scratching on it, "One bell, two bells, three bells. Hooray, I won..."

"Why aren't you excited?" asked Peter.

"Because I know this is a gag ticket you fat idiot!" said Cody, "I could just rip this up in anger, but I'll just read the back of this just to see if at least the disclaimer is funny. To claim your prize, redeem your ticket at the nearest convenience store."

"Huh, that was anticlimactic..." said Peter, "Don't these things usually say something like yo mama's house?"

"Wait a minute," said Zack as he looked at the ticket, "This is a real scratch ticket!"

"How can you tell?" asked Lois.

"Um, Hello? Ex-convenient store clerk?" asked Zack sarcastically, "I used to sell these things all the time, and this is the real deal."

"You... were a convenient store clerk?" asked Lois confusedly.

"Of course I was!" said Zack irritated, "It was how Meg and I met! You left her stranded and she walked into my store!"

"I thought you two met at Meg's school," said Peter.

"I was 20 years old when we met!" said Zack angrily, "We never attended the same school except for my senior year when I got expelled for giving her a swirly."

"Why do you even remember such unimportant details?" asked Lois annoyed, "You could just make something else up. It's not like it would matter later."

"It's a little thing called CONTINUITY!" shouted Zack.

"So you mean Cody won?" asked Meg excitedly, "My baby's a millionaire?"

"This means we're rich!" said Cody.

"That is awesome!" said Peter, "Now I can finally do the one thing I've always wanted; pay women so I can paint nude portraits."

**Peter's Imagination**

In an art studio, a woman is posing on a table while wearing a thick sweater and sweat pants.

"Sir, I don't think this is how you paint a nude portrait," said the woman.

"I dunno..." said Peter who was painting while naked, "This just feels right."

**End Imagination**

The very next day, the family is in the car on their way to the Quahog Mini Mart to redeem Cody's ticket.

"I can't believe we're gonna be millionaires," said Peter, "What are you gonna do with your part of the money, Chris?"

"Well, I plan on putting aside some of my money for Tilly's college fund," said Chris.

"Wow that is... the most boring waste of money I have ever heard," said Peter.

Chris then hangs his head in shame.

"And what sensible purchase are _you_ going to make?" asked Zack dryly.

"A giant puppet me made out of a mountain," said Peter.

"What's with all this spending talk?" asked Cody, "I never said I would share my money."

"What? You are so selfish, Cody!" complained Peter.

"No, Cody's right," said Lois, "It's his money. He's allowed to do what he wants with it."

"Thank you, Lois," said Cody.

"After all, he is a responsible young man," said Lois, "A responsible, creative, thoughtful, generous, young man."

"You can quit buttering me up," said Cody, "You're all getting $10,000 each."

The family arrives at the mini mart, and Cody presents his ticket to Carl the clerk.

"Here you are, my good man," said Cody as he handed Carl his ticket, "I'll take that in small bills."

"you can't cash this in," said Carl.

"Why not?" asked Cody annoyed.

"Because you're underage," said Carl, "You need your legal guardian of at least 16 years of age to do it."

"Well that's no problem," said Meg, "I'll just cash it for him."

"Except you're not his legal guardian," said woman's voice.

The camera turns to the store entrance to reveal that it was Zack's blonde ex-girlfriend, Nikki who said that.

"_I'm_ his legal guardian," said Nikki.

"Nikki?" asked Zack irritated, "What are you doing here."

"I'm here to claim my son's money," said Nikki.

"How does she know about Cody's ticket?" asked Meg.

"I posted about it on my Facebook," said Peter as he pulled out his phone.

"Grandpa, there are 4 things you never post on your Facebook," said Maddie sternly, "1. Your political views, 2. Death threats, 3. That you're a brony, and 4. That you've won money! It ALWAYS ends in disaster!"

"Wait, why did Nikki read a Facebook post by you?" asked Zack.

"Because I added her to my friends list," said Peter.

"WHY IS SHE ON YOUR FRIENDS LIST?!" asked Meg.

"Because she sent me a friend request," said Peter, "I couldn't say no to her. I'm too much of a nice guy!"

"Nice guy?" asked Zack, "Just yesterday you tripped the crutches of a 1 legged woman just to cut in front of her at McDonald's."

"The line was too long..." said Peter in a childish whiny manner.

"YOU WERE THE ONLY TWO PEOPLE IN LINE!" shouted Zack.

"What are you even doing here, anyway?" asked Meg angrily.

"And what happened to that guy you married in Vegas?" asked Zack.

"Oh, that..." said Nikki, "I only went to marry him because I wanted a father figure for the boy, but things didn't work out so I came back to make up for lost time for my little Cody."

"He's out of money and you dumped him, didn't you?" asked Zack flatly.

"You always knew me like a book," said Nikki affectionately, "That and he's in prison. The police said he was peddling files or something. I don't know what that is but he did like little kids. I'm sure he would've liked Cody."

"In more ways that you could imagine," said Cody dryly.

"Anyway, I'll be taking my son's money now," said Nikki.

"So you think you can just waltz on in and suddenly say that you're my mom?" asked Cody, "Even after all the horrible things that you've put me through."

"Yes... and what are you going to do about it?" asked Nikki.

"...She's got me there," said Cody in defeat.

"Anyway, about my money..." said Nikki.

"Sorry, but until you two can figure out who the boy's legal guardian is, I can't redeem your ticket," said Carl.

"What are you talking about?" asked Nikki, "He's my son."

"And he's also their son," said Carl, "And until you can work this out, I can't cash in that ticket."

"We're all adults, here," said Lois, "How about we just split the money."

"That sounds like a good idea," said Meg, "You can take your $500,000 and GO AWAY!"

"To hell with that!" said Nikki as she left the store, "That money is mine and I _will_ get my money. You'll see!"

"Yeah... this is gonna end badly..." said Stewie.

Later that day back at the Griffin resident, the entire family was watching TV. Peter was eating a bag of round candies, while Maddie walked into the room holding a bag.

"Mom, have you seen my bag of marbles?" asked Maddie, "I can't find them anywhere."

"Did you remember where you last put them?" asked Meg.

"I put them on the kitchen table but all I could find was this bag of candy," said Maddie.

Peter stops chewing on his candy and opens his mouth to see that all of his teeth are broken.

"Aw crap, not again!" groaned Peter, "You're gonna have to wait a few hours to get them back, Maddie."

"Uh, that's okay," said Maddie, "I don't think I want them anymore..."

The doorbell then rings and Zack answers. In the doorway stood a well dressed, brown haired man holding a suitcase..

"Hello, I'm Nikki's attorney, Dick Pussington," said Dick.

Zack then snickers at the lawyer.

"Seriously? That's your name?" asked Zack, "What? Did your parents hate you."

"Yes," said Dick, "That's why I became a family lawyer. I successfully sued my parents for neglect and emotional distress."

"...Oh," said Zack.

"I'm here on behalf of Nikki Tallarico," said Dick, "You're being served a court summons for the custody of Cody Tyler Tallarico."

"No way!" said Meg, "We've legally adopted Cody."

"Yes, but technically Nikki never gave him away," said Dick, "We'll see you in court."

Dick leaves the house, leaving the family worried.

"Oh great," groaned Cody, "I think I just became a MacGuffin!"

"Zack, what are we going to do?" asked Meg worriedly.

"Don't worry, we can fight this," said Zack, "Nikki won't get away with this!"

"Oh my god!" said Peter in shock, "She only wants Cody for his money!"

"No shit, Sherlock!" said Zack, "Did you figure that one all by yourself or did you use Wikipedia to help find that spoiler?"

"Actually, it took me a while to put two and two together," said Peter, "At first I thought to myself, why would Nikki suddenly come back into Cody's life after abandoning him in such a cold manner? At first I thought it was because it was his birthday, but then I realized if that were the case, she would have come to his party. Then I remembered that Cody had got a winning ticket which I bought for him and then it hit me-"

Zack smacks Peter upside the head.

"That was a sarcastic question you fat drill bit!" said Zack angrily.

"Don't hit me!" complained Peter, "If anything, this is your fault!"

"No! This is all _your_ fault, you stupid fatass!" snapped Meg angrily.

"How is any of this my fault?" asked Peter annoyed.

"You're the one who bought that stupid ticket in the first place!" said Meg, "And you posted about it Facebook knowing that Nikki was on your friends list!"

"Oh yeah?" challenged Peter, "Well who was the one who decided to take in a poor orphaned boy who was abandoned by his mother? Who decided to throw Cody a birthday party in the first place, thus making me buy the ticket? I think it's obvious whose fault it _really_ is..."

Meg then angrily screams at the top of her lungs and charges at Peter, but was held back by her husband as she furiously punched and kicked the air.

"No, Meg! He's not worth it!" said Zack trying to calm down his wife.

"Yeah, Meg," said Peter "I haven't heard screaming that loud since that I visited Ariel Castro's house."

**Flashba-**

Zack slaps Peter upside the head.

"NO!" shouted Zack, "NONE OF THAT! SHAME ON YOU!"

"Well, I guess it's time to look through the phone book for a lawyer," said Meg.

"You don't have to do that," said Peter, " Because I will be willing to take your case as your lawyer,"

"I'm not hiring you as our lawyer," said Zack.

"And why not?" asked Peter.

"Because you don't know anything about law," said Zack.

"Hell, sometimes you can't even find your way to the bathroom!" said Brian.

**Flashback**

Peter groggily gets up from his bed and walks out of his room.

"I'm just gonna go to the bathroom," said Peter.

"Oh okay..." said Lois tiredly.

A few hours later, the phone rings and Lois answers.

"Hello?" asked Lois groggily.

"Lois? It's me?" said Peter, "Can you come find me? I think I got lost in the house again."

"Peter, where are you this time?" asked Lois.

On Peter's end of the phone, it's revealed that he's in the slums with sirens blaring and gunshots going off.

"I think I'm in Meg's room?" asked Peter unsure of himself.

**End Flashback**

"Zack's right," said Meg as she thumbed through the phone book, "Cody is way too precious for me to goof around with. We need a _real_ lawyer."

Later, the family goes to a law firm known as "Smith &amp; Smith". They are in an office where the lawyer's chair was turned away from them.

"And that's why we need your help, Mr. Smith," said Meg.

"You've certainly come to the right place, Megan," said the lawyer who turns his chair around and reveals himself to be... Roger from American Dad dressed up as an attorney. For some reason, a studio audience loudly cheers and applauds for about a minute.

"Oops, sorry. That was my ring tone," said Peter as he turned off his phone, "It's set to "obnoxious studio audience guest star reaction"."

"Really?" asked Stewie, "We're doing crossovers now? It's official: the author is creatively bankrupt."

"No, creatively bankrupt would be making you pregnant," said Maddie.

"Will you stop with the take thats at Family Guy?" asked Stewie irritated.

"But you guys just make it so easy," said Maddie.

"I knew buying an office in Quahog would eventually pay off!" said Roger, "SUCK IT, STAN!"

"I don't know who this Stan guy is," said Peter, "But he sounds like a cheap version of me."

"A-Homer-Simpson-Ripoff-says-what?" said Roger quickly.

"Wait what?" asked Peter confused.

"Anyway, can you help us?" asked Zack.

"Well, as a professional lawyer I normally charge $175 an hour," said Roger, "But because I'm sympathetic to your plight, plus the fact you're married to... this," he said, pointing to Meg, "I'll only charge you $174 an hour... plus a $1 consultation fee."

"Are you sure you're a good lawyer?" asked Lois.

"Lady, I've played the first 3 Phoenix Wright games, so I'm pretty sure I know what I'm doing," said Roger.

"...Is it too late to hire Peter as our lawyer?" asked Zack regretfully.

"It is," said Roger, "Just by walking into my office, you gotta pay the regular consultation fee so you might as well since I'll be paid either way."

"Okay, then," said Zack as he shook Roger's hand, "You're hired."

"Excellent, and I will see you all in court," said Roger, "Anyway, I'm off to lunch. Nancy, hold my calls!"

Roger then leaves his office and "Nancy" walks in(who, by the way, is really just Roger in drag).

"Will do, Mr. Smith," said "Nancy".

"God, Nancy is so fucking hot..." whispered Peter to himself.

A few days later, everyone was at the court. Everyone was seated at where they should be and the bailiff stood up to introduce the judge.

"All rise for the honorable nameless black judge," said the bailiff.

The judge walks in the room and takes his seat.

"You may be seated," said the Judge, "So this is a custody battle between the Murdocks and Ms. Tallarico."

Normally we'd start with opening statements from the lawyers, but because that part is usually boring(and I can't think of a good joke for that), we'll just go ahead to the testimonies, starting with Lois.

"Mrs. Griffin," said Dick, "How would you describe Meg and Zack's parenting skills?"

"They're very wonderful parents," said Lois, "They take very good care of Maddie, they play with her, they nurture her-"

"I noticed that you mention Maddie, but haven't said anything about Cody," said Dick, "Why is that?"

"To tell you the truth, Cody is actually a rather, um, difficult child," said Lois, "He doesn't have much respect for authority and has a very disturbing obsession with the occult. One time he called me an old hag and once tried to summon Cthulhu because I made him share his Happy Meal toy with Peter."

"And this behavior is possibly him acting out against his father abandoning him?" asked Dick.

"No!" said Lois, "If anything, I suspect this is from years of neglect from his mother Nikki. In fact, when Zack almost died from his suicide attempt, all she could care about was the insurance money!"

"I see...," said Dick, "That'll be all, Mrs. Griffin."

Next on the stand was Meg's mortal enemy, Connie D'amico. Roger was asking her the questions.

"Ms. D'amico, could you tell us about Meg Griffin as a mother?" asked Roger.

"She's fat, ugly, always wearing that stupid hat, and she's a whiny poser loser who hangs out with a weird goth and a Beyonce wannabe..." said Connie.

"Yes, but can you name any instances where she is a bad mother," asked Roger.

"Well, one time her daughter called me a cake-faced two dollar whore in a public park," said Connie, "And she received no punishment for it."

Roger looks back as Zack who then whispers something into his ear, Roger then turns back to Connie.

"...Yes, but can you name any instances where she is a bad mother?" asked Roger.

"Look, I just think that Kobe belongs in a safer loving home," said Connie, "And I'm totally not saying that because I'm the defendant's cousin and that she'll give me 10 percent of the ticket money if she wins. Besides, those Griffins are animals! Her father once bashed my head into fire extinguisher, her mother sent a sex offender to my birthday party, she assaulted me after she was released from prison, she and her stupid husband stuffed me in their trunk when they thought I was dead, and her daughter sent the air force to blow up my house!"

"I see..." said Roger, "And yet you still continue to pick on Meg after of all this. God, you must be dumber than the bad guys on Scooby Doo. I mean, could you imagine if one of the villains tried one of those plans in real life?"

**Cutaway**

A group of teenagers drive by an abandoned mine when a shady looking man sees them.

"Oh crap! A bunch of teenagers!" said the man, "I'll dress up as a zombie and scare them away. Then I can smuggle the diamonds without anyone looking. It's foolproof!"

The man puts on a zombie costume and walks out while making zombie noises. Then teenagers see this.

"Oh my god! A zombie!" said a teen girl.

One of the teen boys pulls out a gun and shoots the "zombie" in the head.

"Looks like this zombie," he said before putting on sunglasses, "Just got a splitting headache."

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAH!

**End Cutaway**

This time, Peter is on the stand being questioned by Dick.

"Mr. Griffin, would you say that you are a good dad?" asked Dick.

"I believe this coffee mug will answer your question," said Peter he pulled out a coffee mug that said "Number 1 Dad", "They don't just hand these things out to just anyone."

"Mr. Griffin, that is a novelty mug," said the Judge, "And they handed those out for free on Father's Day. In fact, I have mine right now."

"Be that as it may, I still say that I am one hell of a father," said Peter.

"Is that so?" asked Dick as he handed Peter a stack of papers, "Mr. Griffin, can you tell me what these are?"

"A stack of papers?" asked Peter.

"Yes, but you know what this stack of papers is?" asked Dick.

"A bunch of individual papers put on top of one another?" asked Peter.

"Yes, and do you know what each of these papers are?" asked Dick.

"No," said Peter.

"Records," said Dick, "Records of property damage that you, Mr. Griffin, have caused throughout the years! Destroying the town satellite dish, blowing up a children's hospital, destroying your neighbor's yard with a Petercopter, chicken fights causing countless casualties..."

"But what does this have to do with Cody?" asked Peter.

"It shows us that Cody is living in a very dangerous environment," said Dick, "In fact, it's a miracle that any child in that household is alive. You and you constant shenanigans are a threat to the boy's safety and thus should be placed in a different environment such as, say, his birth mother's home?"

"Now wait a minute!" said Peter offended, "I may be a fat lazy stupid idiot, but I have always been responsible when it comes to Cody's safety!"

**Flashback**

In the Griffin's backyard, Cody had a welding torch and was welding some metals onto a bike. Peter takes notice of this and walks outside.

"And just what do you think you're doing, young man?" asked Peter.

"I'm trying to fix my bike!" said Cody.

"A young boy your age should not be using a welding torch!" said Peter, "Not without safety gloves and a welding mask."

Peter then hands Cody the safety items.

"Thanks, Pete," said Cody.

"Now if you need me, I'll be in the living room watching TV with the volume all the way up," said Peter.

He then walks back into the house as Cody continues welding.

**End Flashback**

It was Zack's turn on the stand and she was being questioned by Dick.

"Mr. Murdock, tell us about your relationship with Nikki," said Dick.

"We were high school sweethearts since our junior years," said Zack, "She talked me into having sex with her one night. We broke up about 5 days after that because I got fired from my job and then Cody was born 9 months later."

"And with this uncertainty, how do you exactly know Cody is your son?" asked Dick.

"Nikki found me 3 years later and wanted child support," said Zack.

"And how come you never knew about Cody within those 3 years?" asked Dick.

"Because Nikki never told me about him," said Zack.

"She never told you..." said Dick, "Or perhaps you went to get a pack of cigarettes and never came back!"

"What?" asked Zack confused.

"Perhaps you ran away, because you were scared!" said Dick, "You were a scared, selfish 18 year who didn't want to be saddled with a kid so you left her all alone with poor Cody. Then you could go on to have hanky panky with Meg there, leaving poor Nikki distressed and all alone to raise a child!"

"First, that's not even remotely what happened," said Zack, "And second, why would I run away from a woman because she was pregnant only to marry a different woman _because_ she was pregnant?"

"You're the mastermind!" said Dick, "Why don't you tell me?"

"There's nothing else to tell!" said Zack, "Nikki dumped me after I got fired from my job and never bothered to tell me about Cody until she found out I had money."

"ADMIT IT!" shouted Dick, "YOU RAN AWAY FROM YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES OF BEING A FATHER!"

"WHY ARE YOU SHOUTING AT ME?" shouted Zack.

"BECAUSE I WANT THE TRUTH!" shouted Dick.

"YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!" shouted Zack, "No, seriously. I just told you the truth like 2 times and you just can't seem to handle it."

"...No further questions, your honor..." sighed Dick.

Dick walks back to his seat while Roger walks to Zack.

"Mr. Murdock," said Roger, "Nikki claims that you are a bad father, correct?"

"Correct," answered Zack.

"Well... would a bad father molest his children, record it and then upload the videos and pictures on the internet?" asked Roger.

"Actually, yes," said Zack.

"Oh... where was I going with this?" asked Roger, "Oh wait, I remember. Do you do any of those things?"

"No!" said Zack.

"Well there you have it," said Roger, "He's not a bad father, because if the description doesn't fit? You must acquit!"

"Okay now I'm _really_ starting to regret not hiring Peter," muttered Zack to himself.

Nikki was now sitting in the stand as Roger talks to her.

"Ms. Tallarico," said Roger, "Is it true that you abandoned your son in the middle of one of the harshest winters in Quahog to elope with some guy you met at a bar a day earlier?"

"Well..." hesitated Nikki.

"May I remind you that you are under oath?" asked Roger, "Did you or did you not abandon Cody?"

"YES! YES, I ABANDONED CODY!" sobbed Nikki, "I'M SO ASHAMED! I was just so stressed and tired from raising poor Cody all by myself. But now I know what I did was wrong! All I ask is for one more chance with my baby boy? Do I not deserve one more chance."

Everyone in the court room begins crying after hearing Nikki's testimony

"That.. um... was not the reaction I was hoping for..." said Roger.

"I'm doomed..." groaned Cody.

"Don't worry," said Roger, "It's not over until the fat lady sings. Now we just put some duct-tape over your step-mother's mouth..."

Meg slaps the roll of tape from Roger's hand. Later, Zack mother, Valarie, is on the stand.

"Mrs. Murdock, how would you describe your son's childhood?" asked Dick.

"Zack didn't have the best childhood growing up," said Valarie, "I always did my best to nurture him, but his father was a monster."

"Just how abusive was he?" asked Dick.

"Well, Frank resented him since his birth since he wasn't really his child," said Valarie, "He'd always call him an accident and a rape baby at any chance he could, he beat him occasionally, one Christmas morning he gave him an empty Nintendo 64 box and posted his reaction on the internet, taped over his cartoon VHS tapes with porn, changed all of his bookmarks and home page to screamer sites on his computer, and gave him a job at his store and paid him less than minimum wage."

"I see," said Dick, "You know the old saying: 'Like father, like son'..."

"Whoa whoa, hold the phone!" said Valarie, "I know what you're trying to pull, and that won't work. Zack has vowed himself to never be what Frank was to him. He loves Maddie and Cody with all his heart and does his damndest to make sure they have the love and care they need, abusive grandparents be damned! Zack and Meg are great parents, unlike Nikki who straight up abandoned her 2 year old son in the cold winter. What's not to say that it won't happen again once Nikki squeezes out the last dime from Cody's winnings? Putting Cody back under the care of that horrible woman would be a huge mistake, and I implore you people not to let this happen."

"I apologize," said Dick, "But out of curiosity, who is Zack's real father?"

"The Devil," said Valarie.

The entire room then lets out a horrified gasp.

"OH COME ON!" shouted Valarie, "He only conceived him, not raised him!"

And finally, Meg is on the stand being questioned by Dick.

"Mrs. Murdock," asked Dick to Meg, "Would you say that you are a good mother?"

"Yes," said Meg.

"I see," said Dick, "Let the record show that she thinks that she is a good mother... but not a great mother."

"Hey, wait a minute!" said Meg, "I _am_ a great mother."

"Let the record show that Mrs. Murdock has an over-inflated ego!"

"Okay, so maybe I'm not a great mother but-"

"Let the record show that Mrs. Murdock think she's the opposite of a good mother which is a bad mother."

"Objection!" shouted Roger, "He's clearly twisting my client's words out of context!"

"Objection sustained," said the Judge, "Mr. Pussington, stop asking half questions."

"Okay then Mrs. Murdock," said Dick, "Could you tell us in your words what you think about Nikki Tallarico?"

"What do I think about Nikki?" asked Meg, "She's a terrible person! She dumped Zack for a stupid reason, purposely hid the fact that she was pregnant with Cody, lied to Cody about his dad not wanting him, only told him about Cody when it was financially convenient for her, and afterwards she left him in our care a majority of the time anyway. Come to think of it, I have never seen her actually take care of her son. In fact, Cody has complained about his living conditions with his mother. Their home is infested with rats, she constantly brings home ex-convict boyfriends, she leaves Cody in the car during summer, and when she doesn't leave him with us, she hires cheap, shady babysitters from Craigslist! My family isn't perfect, but Zack and I always try to give Cody as much love as we can. She just wants him back because he won a scratch ticket and she doesn't deserve him at all!"

"I understand, now..." said Dick, "...Let the record show that Meg is a jealous, spiteful woman who obviously wants Cody just to stick it to Nikki."

"I see..." said Roger, "Let the record show that Dick is only doing this to get a paycheck and doesn't care what happens to Cody as long as he gets some of that million dollars."

"Let the record show that Roger is an incompetent lawyer who has to resort to petty slander to win his cases," said Dick.

"Let the record show that while Dick is a married man as you can see by that ring on his finger," said Roger, "He apparently has hickeys on his neck that match Nikki's shade of lipstick."

"Let the record show that at least I'm getting some and am not a noseless dwarf!" shouted Dick.

"I'LL KILL YOU, YOU BASTARD!" screamed Roger.

"NOT IF I KILL YOU FIRST!" shouted Dick .

Roger tackles Dick to the ground and they both get into a tussle.

"ORDER! ORDER!" shouted the Judge sternly as he repeatedly banged his gavel, "This is a place of justice, not the Jerry Springer show. I propose the court goes into recess. In the meantime, please enjoy the court room dancers."

As the judge leaves, a bunch of scantily clad women walk into the courtroom and dance like strippers.

"Finally! My taxes are paying for something useful!" said Peter.

Later that night at the Griffin house,

"Welp, we're pretty much screwed," said Meg.

"In a sensible world, people would see what a horrible person Nikki is," said Zack, "But since almost everyone in Quahog is a moron and God hates my wife and I, and our misery is basically his porn, we _are_ pretty much screwed."

"The real loser in all of this is Cody," said Lois, "Oh, the poor boy..."

Meanwhile in the backyard, Cody, Stewie, Maddie, and Rallo were discussing Cody's situation.

"So how's the custody battle going?" asked Rallo.

"Not so good," said Cody, "With the way the testimonies are going, I'm gonna go back to being Nikki's doorstop."

"Well that sucks," said Rallo, "If it makes you feel any better, I'll try to visit you."

"Thanks, but you don't want to go to my neighborhood," said Cody, "There are a lot of ghosts there. Scary ones. They really hate lower case t's since they burn them all the time. And then there's the KKK who are even worse."

"I'm really gonna miss you, bro," said Maddie, "I don't say this often since you're always somewhere in the background, but I love you. No incest."

"I love you, too," said Cody as he hugged his sister, "No incest."

"Cody... I know we've had our differences," said Stewie, "I just want to let you know that when you leave... I won't be celebrating your absence."

"I'll miss you too, Football head," said Cody.

"Look at us sitting here like a bunch of sad sacks," said Rallo, "This is sadder than Buzz Killington crashing a party attended by Eeyore, Sour Bill, and Raven from Teen Titans."

**Cutaway**

Eeyore, Raven, and Sour Bill(from Wreck-It Ralph). Were having a party. Well, actually, they were just standing around looking bored and depressed.

"Great party, Eeyore," said Sour Bill in his usual monotone voice.

"I'm having a good time, too... woohoo," said Raven in her monotone voice.

"I'm just glad everybody could come..." said Eeyore in his monotone voice, "Even if it was just you two... Not that I'd blame you if you didn't show..."

"Evening everyone," said Buzz Killington as he walked into the scene, "I was thinking we could share some humorous quips to liven up this shindig."

"Actually we don't-" said Eeyore.

"Splendid!" said Buzz Killington, "Say, do any of you know the tale of the first drawn cartoon?"

"No," said Raven.

"Neither did the artist before he picked up his pencil and let his imagination run wild," said Buzz Killington as he chuckled to himself, "Speaking of running, who wants to hear a delightful story about a foot race?"

All three of them then groan and sigh as they place their hands on their foreheads.

**End Cutaway**

The next day at the courtroom, Roger was discussing something with the family.

"We're probably going to lose this case," said Roger, "So I have a backup plan ready. You'll know the plan when you see it. Just grab Cody and run to the blue car outside. Here are some fake passports and you can pay me when we get to the border."

"Cool!" said Chris, "I'm Fernando Juarez!"

The judge then enters the room and takes his seat.

"From what I can gather from testaments, I can say without a doubt that the Griffins are a despicable bunch, and their lawyer is clearly insane!" said the Judge, "But this case was never about the Griffins. I rule in favor of the Murdocks."

"WHAT?!" shouted Nikki, "Didn't you listen to all the testimonies against them?! THEY'RE INSANE!"

"Yes, but at least they didn't abandoned their kids in the winter to elope with some stranger," said the Judge, "You'd have to be stupid to think we'd put him back in your custody after something like that."

The Judge then bangs his gavel, signaling the end of the case. The Griffin-Murdock family cheer and celebrate as Nikki punches her lawyer in the arm... who then runs out of the courtroom crying. She then walks over to the family.

"I suppose you've won," said Nikki.

"I suppose we did," said Meg.

"Can I at least say goodbye to my son?" asked Nikki.

"I see no harm in that," said Meg.

Nikki walks to Cody, kneels down to him, and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Cody, my son?" asked Nikki.

"Yes mom?" asked Cody.

"I just want to let you know... THAT YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME RICH!" shouted Nikki as she grabbed Cody and jumped out the courtroom window, laughing maniacally.

"OH MY GOD! CODY!" screamed Meg.

"Wait, why is that window even open?" asked the Judge.

"Someone cut one in the courtroom," said the bailiff.

Everyone in the room then gives Peter an angry glare.

"Oh sure, blame the fat guy who farts," said Peter offended, "You people are so prejudiced."

Suddenly, a bunch of inner city men burst into the courtroom with guns. Everyone is screaming and panicking as the men shoot at the ceiling.

"EVERYBODY GET ON THE FLOOR!" shouted one of the men in a Hispanic accent, "THIS IS A HOLD UP, ESSE!"

"Pedro! It's off! The plan is off! We won!" shouted Roger.

"Oh... sorry," said the man sheepishly, "My bad."

Meanwhile at the Quahog 5 news studio...

"Scientists have finally unlocked the true purpose of the Stonehenge," said Diane, "It's-"

"Hold on, I just got some breaking news!" said Tom as he listened to his earpiece, "It appears that a woman is at a local convenient store holding a clerk and her own son hostage. We go to Asian correspondent Tricia Takanawa who is live on the scene."

The scene changes to Tricia standing in front of the Quahog Mini-Mart.

"Tom as you can see, chaos and fear is being served instead of Slurpees and slightly expired treats," said Tricia, "The woman who authorities have identified as Nicole Tallarico attempted to cash in a scratch 'n win ticket but went ballistic when she was refused and is now holding the clerk and her son hostage."

Joe rolls out of his police car and pulls out a megaphone.

"Nikki, this is the police!" said Joe through a megaphone, "Please release the hostages and come out with your hands up!"

"NO!" shouted Nikki.

"Well, I'm out of ideas," said Joe in defeat.

"I'm going in there!" said Meg before she was stopped by Brianne.

"Whoa, are you nuts?" asked Brianne, "I'm not letting a civilian risk their life. We have a sniper positioned in the roof across the street. We can take her out before things get-"

Out of a nowhere, a gunshot is heard from the store and the sniper is seen getting shot and falling off the roof.

"I didn't know Nikki was such a good shot..." said Zack in amazement.

"How did she know about the sniper?" asked Joe.

"Tom, it appears their sniper has been shot," said Tricia, "Either Nikki has super hearing or she is watching TV at this very moment. Brianne, what is your next tactic?"

"SOMEBODY GET THAT NEWS CREW OUT OF HERE!" shouted Brianne angrily.

"Just send me in there!" said Meg, "Maybe I can talk some sense into her."

"Meg it's too dangerous," said Zack.

"But our son is in there!" begged Meg, "Just let me try to talk to Nikki."

"Fine, you can go," said Brianne, "But the minute something goes wrong, we're going in there."

"I'm going in with you," said Zack as he turned to Lois, "If anything happens to us, take care of Maddie."

"Okay, and good luck," said Lois.

After they put on their bulletproof vests, Joe gets his megaphone.

"We're sending in Zack and Meg to negotiate with you," said Joe.

"Send them in!" shouted Nikki.

Meg and Zack walk into the store and see Carl tied up on the floor and Cody in one of Nikki's arms as the other hand had a gun pointed at them.

"Nikki, it's just us," said Zack.

"We just want to talk," said Meg.

"I'm tired of talking!" said Nikki, "Why would I even want to talk to you anyway? You took everything from me! My boyfriend, my son... but not this! Not this money!"

"Took them from you?!" asked Meg, "You practically gave them to me in a box labeled 'Free husband and son'!"

"Nikki, this is crazy!" said Zack, "You're holding our son-"

"And Carl!" said Carl.

"-And Carl hostage!" finished Zack

"I know what you're going through is bad," said Meg, "But hurting people and holding them against their will is not the answer. You may have lost everything, but it's not too late to fix this. You can have joint custody of Cody and we can still split the money. So what do you say?"

Nikki gives Meg and Zack a sincere look of sorrow for a few seconds before smiling devilishly.

"Nah! I'd rather have the money all to myself," said Nikki as she drew her gun at Zack and Meg.

"That's it!" snapped Cody, "You want this ticket so badly? You can have it, but good luck putting it together!"

Cody angrily rips up the ticket and throws the pieces in the air as Nikki screams in horror.

"NOOOOOOO!" shrieked Nikki as she grabbed the pieces and tried to put them back together,

"Nikki, will you look at yourself!" shouted Meg, "You've completely let your greed take over! You're putting together tiny pieces of paper for God's sake."

Nikki takes a look at her reflection in the security mirror and gasps in horror.

"What am I doing?" asked Nikki as she looked at the gun in her hand, "What have I done? I almost killed my own son-"

"And Carl!" said Carl off screen.

"-And Carl. And for what? Money?" she said as she angrily tosses the gun to the ground, "I'm a monster. I'm a horrible mother. I'm so sorry, Cody."

Nikki breaks down crying as Meg and Cody comfort her. A few minutes later, they all they walk out of the convenient store and Nikki surrenders herself to the police. As the police handcuff her, she turns to Meg.

"Meg?" asked Nikki, "I want you and Zack to take good care of my son. Give him the love and affection I never could."

Zack and Meg silently nod.

"And Cody?" asked Nikki tearfully, "Even though I never showed it, I want you to know that I love you. I always did and I always will. Goodbye Cody."

"Goodbye mom," said Cody as he wiped a tear from his eye.

The squad car then drives away with Nikki in it, on it's way to prison. The family then walk their way home.

"I'm sorry about how things went with your mom, Cody," said Lois.

"I am, too," said Cody, "I'm just glad I still have a mother who cares about me."

"And I'm glad I have a son who I can care for," said Meg.

"And I'm glad that we're still rich," said Peter, "You know, instead of how people always lose their money in the end of the show. But not us!"

"Yeah, about that," said Zack as he whispered something into Peter's ear.

"OH, SON OF A-" Peter shouts before the screen goes black

**End Chapter**


	8. I Dream of Patty

**Chapter 7: I Dream of Patty**

The family was watching TV in the living room during the afternoon. Everyone except Meg, that is. She was hanging out with her friends.

"We now return to _You Should've Worn a Condom, Charlie Brown,_" said the TV announcer.

**Cutaway to TV**

A teenage Charlie Brown is sitting in a doctor's room.

"I'm afraid the red haired girl gave you herpes, chlamydia, gonorrhea, and HIV" said the doctor.

"Good grief!" said Charlie Brown in anguish, "Well, it was all worth it as I finally got to kiss the red haired girl."

"Speaking of her, she's pregnant," said the Doctor, "Congratulations."

"AUGH!" Charlie Brown screamed.

**End Cutaway**

Meg then walks in the house with a smile on her face.

"Mom? Is it alright if my friends and I have a slumber party in the living room tonight?" asked Meg.

"Of course sweety," said Lois, "As long as there's no boys. Remember, you're having a sleepover, not an orgy."

"Can I join your slumber party, mom?" asked Maddie, "Please?"

"Sorry, Maddie, but this is a teen girl slumber party," said Meg, "We're going to be staying up late and talk about teen stuff."

"Like what?" asked Maddie.

"Stuff you think would be gross," said Meg, "Like boys, kissing, makeovers, and advanced math."

"Eww, math!" said Maddie as she stuck her tongue out in disgust.

"A slumber party?" asked Cody curiously, "As in a gathering of teenage girls in their pajamas? Including Raven possibly in gothic sleepwear?"

"Fair warning, Cody," said Meg to her step-son sternly, "If we catch you snooping around the party, we'll give you a forced makeover like we did with Chris last time."

"It was totally worth it," chuckled Chris, "And I got to be pretty, and my skin was sooooo soft..."

"Excuse me while I go bleach my brain to get **that** image out of my head," said Cody in a deadpan manner as he left the table.

"Oh joy," groaned Stewie, "A bunch of unattractive teenage girls prattling about in their underwear talking about boys and the like. This could be more traumatizing than finding out you're a rape baby."

**Cutaway**

A woman is in her room about to go to bed, when a man dressed in black sneaks up on her and holds a knife to her throat. The woman tries to scream, but the man covers her mouth with his hand.

"You're gonna do exactly as I say, bitch!" said the man sinisterly, "If you scream, you die!"

The scared woman tearfully nods. 15 years later, a well dressed couple are talking to their teenage son.

"And 9 months later, you were born," said the mother, "And that was how I met your father."

"Remember how I tied you to the bed?" asked the father in a sing songy manner.

"Oh, you were **so** bad!" chuckled the mother.

The boy, clearly traumatized, slowly pulls a gun to his head...

**End Cutaway**

Later that night, Meg and her friends were all gathered in the living room. Raven had a flashlight shone on her face as she was telling a scary story.

"And then in a fit of madness, he drove his car straight off the cliff. His insane laughter echoed throughout the valley only to stop when he met his grisly demise against the jagged rocks below," said Raven as she turned off the flashlight, "Anyway, that's how I lost my virginity."

"Dark..." said Roberta.

"Okay now it's my turn to pick," said Raven, "Meg, truth or dare?"

"Um... Truth," replied Meg, "No, wait! Dare!"

"I dare you to prank Connie D'amico," said Raven, "Right now."

Meanwhile at Connie D'amico's house, Connie was having her own slumber party with other pretty and popular girls.

"Would you rather stick your hand in a bowl of boogers, eat a toenail sandwich, or be Meg Griffin?" asked Connie.

"Ew! I'd take the toenail sandwich!" said one of the girls.

The doorbell then rings. Connie answers and standing in the doorway is Meg dressed up as a pizza delivery boy holding a pizza box.

"Pizza delivery for Connie D'amico," said Meg in a deep voice.

"It's about time," said Connie rudely as she took the pizzas and paid.

She noticed that Meg was still standing at the doorway with his hand outstretched.

"Why are you still here?" asked Connie in an annoyed tone.

"It's customary to tip your delivery boy for good service," said Meg.

"Here's your tip," said Connie, "Get a real job!"

She rudely slams the door and Meg rushes over to some nearby bushes by the windows where her friends are hiding.

"That's your prank?" asked Roberta disappointedly, "Let me guess, you gave them the wrong toppings?"

"Just watch..." said Meg pointing in the window.

As Connie and her friends eat the pizza, they suddenly begin feeling uncomfortable and hold onto their stomachs.

"Ohhh... I don't feel so good," groaned one of the girls.

"My butt's on fire!" shouted another girl.

They all rush upstairs and to the bathroom.

"It's MY house! I go first!" shouted Connie as she ran into the bathroom.

What follows are a bunch of gross fart noises and... well, you get the idea.

"Girl, you are devious," said Roberta.

"Laxatives, huh?" asked Raven, "A little cliche for my tastes, but a pretty good prank."

"That was only phase one," said Meg as she revealed a hidden bush full of toilet paper rolls, "I took the liberty of sneaking into and cleaning her bathroom out before delivering the pizza."

"WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THE TOILET PAPER!" screamed Connie.

"Wow, you ARE devious," said Raven impressed.

"I also may or may not have clogged the toilets on the way out," said Meg slyly.

A flushing sound could be heard from within the house.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Connie in complete anguish.

Back in the Griffin home kitchen, Maddie was at the table typing on a laptop when Brian walks in and sits down next to her.

"So what are you up to?" asked Brian.

"I'm just writing a story," said Maddie.

"Well just be careful of typos," said Brian, "One wrong typo can change your entire story."

**Cutaway**

An old lady is in the kitchen baking something in the oven.

"Since I cannot have a child, I'll just simply bake one," said the old lady.

she opens the oven and pulls out... WWE's Sheamus?

"Run run as fast as you can!" shouted Sheamus, "You can't catch me, I'm the Ginger Beard Man! FELLA!"

He Brogue Kicks the old lady and runs out the door.

**End Cutaway**

Stewie walks into the kitchen and takes notice of Maddie's activity.

"So what kind of story are you writing?" asked Stewie.

"I'm writing a Ghastly Ghoulz fanfic about Zombella," said Maddie.

"Ugh, fanfiction..." groaned Stewie, "A horrid wasteland of bad grammar, cliches, wish fulfillment, and unrealistic erotica. It's like fanart in written form."

"You're only saying that because everyone hated your Jolly Farm fanfic," said Maddie.

"I just don't see how could they," said Stewie, "It was a literary masterpiece!"

"Everyone hated the main character," said Maddie.

"I don't see why," said Stewie, "I made Stewart as relatable as I could."

"Because plenty of people can relate to a boy who can fly, shoot lasers, grow 100 feet tall and has no enemies except for all the characters you said you hated on the Jolly Farms forum who all happened to have died horrible deaths at the hands of Stewart," scoffed Maddie.

"Like a bunch of adults have a right to criticize a Jolly Farm fanfic, anyway," said Stewie, "They shouldn't even be watching a show for kids. That's just creepy"

"Blame your crappy writing, not the periphery demographic..." said Maddie, "And Jolly Bros are not all creepy. They're just... weird..."

"So how's your story coming along?" asked Brian.

"Not good," said Maddie, "I'm having trouble writing the newest chapter. I keep getting ideas but when I write them, I get stuck."

"It sounds like you have writer's block," said Brian, "You just need to get the creative juices flowing."

"Or you could always just steal someone else's idea," said Stewie, "It seems to work for Hollywood."

"Now hold on," said Maddie, "Hollywood has come with original ideas."

They look at each other in silence and then all burst into laughter.

"But seriously, though, remakes suck," said Stewie.

Meanwhile in the living room, Esther begins taking out a bunch of novels from her backpack.

"I brought some of my trashy teen monster boyfriend romance novels that we can read," said Esther, "I have _Boyfriend Vampire_, _Boyfriend Werewolf_, _Boyfriend Mummy_, _Boyfriend Zombie_, _Boyfriend Sharkman_, and _Boyfriend Lawyer_."

"Ah, Lawyers," said Raven, "The scariest, yet sexiest monsters of them all..."

As Esther hands Patty a book, she accidentally knocks over an open soda bottle on her pajamas.

"My pajamas!" complained Patty, "And I didn't bring any extra pjs."

"I have an extra pair in my room that you can wear," said Meg.

"Thanks, Meg," said Patty as she walked upstairs to Meg's room.

A ding sound was then heard from the kitchen.

"Popcorn's ready," said Ruth.

"I'll get that," said Meg.

As she walked into the kitchen, Zack, Peter, and Brian walked into the house looking worse for wear. Zack, in particular, had burn marks in his hair.

"I am never being the designated driver for you guys ever again!" said Zack angrily.

"I don't see what's the big deal was," "said Peter drunkenly, "It was just a prank.

"YOU SET MY HAIR ON FIRE AND MADE US CRASH INTO A RAVINE!" shouted Zack.

"We survived, didn't we?" asked Peter.

"Sure, if you call being in immense agonizing pain surviving," said Brian dryly, "Thank God we were wearing seatbelts..."

"I'm going bed..." said Zack.

He walked upstairs and headed toward's Meg's room. He opens the door and right in front of him he see's Patty with her back turned, in her underwear, holding a shirt. She slowly turns around and looks at Zack face to face, and then screams while covering herself. Zack then blushes, screams, slams the door shut.

"How embarrassing..." Patty said to herself, "At least nobody else saw that."

Suddenly, Cody and Rallo fall out of Meg's closet. She stares at the two dumbfounded.

"We're just doing... closet inspections," lied Cody.

The two turn around and look at the closet.

"Upon inspection, I can confirm that this is indeed a closet," said Rallo.

The two then quickly run out of the room. Suddenly Chris and Cleveland Jr. fall out of the closet.

"Yeah... We're not going to lie," said Junior, "We _wanted_ to get caught."

"We _really_ wanted those makeovers," said Chris as he and Junior walked away.

"Is there anyone else in here?" asked Patty.

"No," said Quagmire from under the bed.

"That's a relief," said Patty, "...Wait a minute!"

Meanwhile Zack was running downstairs and out of the house. Meg quickly enters the room with a bowl of popcorn.

"What was that all about?" she asked.

Outside, Zack is running across the street to Jillian's house where he frantically bangs on the door. His blonde, older sister answers.

"Zack? What are you doing here?" asked Jillian, "Is everything alright?"

"No! Everything is not alright!" Zack exasperated, "I did something really bad! I walked in on Patty in her underwear!"

"You perbert!" said Jillian shocked.

"It was an accident!" said Zack, "I was walking into my room and there she was in her frilly underwear! We both screamed and I ran out of the house and came here."

"Have you told Meg this?" asked Jillian.

"No, but Patty might tell her," said Zack as he covered his face with his hands, "Is it okay if I crash on your couch for the night."

"Absolutely not! I just got it!" said Jillian, "But you _can_ sleep on it."

"...Okay" said Zack.

"Crashing on a couch..." said Jillian as she walked out of the room, "You of all people should know better; my couch doesn't have airbags. Silly Zacky..."

The next night, Zack was in bed in his and Meg's room as his wife walked into the room wearing a nightie.

"Maddie's finally asleep," said Meg, "That girl has more energy than a jackrabbit on crack, Monster, Venom, and Mountain Dew combined."

"Gotta love that kid," said Zack.

"So, what were you doing sleeping at Jillian's house last night?" asked Meg.

"It's... complicated," said Zack, "I don't feel like talking about it."

"Fair enough," said Meg as she got in bed next to Zack, "Everyone else it asleep. You wanna fool around?"

"I think I know what you're talking about," said Zack.

He closes his eyes, leans over and gives Meg a long passionate kiss. After removing his lips from hers he opens his eyes and too his shock, Meg was suddenly replaced by Patty.

"That was great," said Patty, "Now let's smother this patty in some mayonnaise!"

Zack then wakes up gasping as he finds himself on Jillian's couch. He groans and lays back down.

"What the hell was that?!" asked Zack dumbfounded, "Well, at least nobody can see dreams."

Meanwhile in the basement, Tilly stared horrified in front of a TV that she had transformed into a dream viewer. She grabs a lead pipe and begins beating the TV with it. The next morning in Zack's car, Zack was driving Meg and her friends to school. There was an uncomfortable silence in the car as Patty, in particular, was avoiding eye contact with Zack. After a few more seconds of silence, Raven decides to speak.

"So that was one hell of a slumber party last night, huh?" asked Raven breaking the silence.

"It was okay," shrugged Roberta, "Still, it was better than the last sleepover I had when I was a kid. Never suggest playing Cops n Robbers in a black neighborhood."

"Why not," asked Esther.

"Because the cops use real guns and they always win," said Roberta.

"So where were you last night?" asked Meg to Zack, "I didn't see you in our room."

"I was at Jillian's," said Zack.

"Why were you at Jillian's?" asked Meg.

"I just wanted to hang out with my sister," said Zack, "What? Is that a crime?"

"No, but it was 11:00 PM," said Meg, "Wouldn't she have been asleep?"

"What is this? A ride to school or 20 friggin questions?" asked Zack who was getting visibly annoyed.

"I just wanted to know where you were last night and why," said Meg.

Suddenly, more silence filled the car.

"Well this is the most awkward car ride I've ever endured," said Raven, "And I sat next to my fat sweaty cousin, once. I swear, he was sweating butter..."

The car arrives at James Woods High. Everyone leaves the car, but Patty stops and walks back.

"You guys go ahead," said Patty, "I left something in the car."

She walks back to the car and turns to Zack.

"Last night when you..." said Patty in an uneasy manner.

"Yeah, that..." said Zack as he rubbed the back of his neck, "Sorry. That was an accident."

"It's okay, Zack," said Patty, "I know it was an accident and I didn't tell Meg about it."

"Thanks," said Zack.

"So, did you like what you saw?" teased Patty.

"What? I... uh... well..."

"I'm just kidding," said Patty, "Jokes aside, I think you should tell Meg before things get out of hand."

"I can't do that," said Zack, "If she finds out I walked in on you getting dressed, who knows how she'd react. What she won't know won't hurt her."

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" asked Patty.

"What's the worst that could happen?" shrugged Zack, "I know people usually ask this question and something bad happens, but I'm sure nothing bad will happen to me."

Yep, this won't bite him in the ass later. Nope. Not at all... Meanwhile in front of the Griffin home, Maddie is hammering a piece of paper onto a phone post. Brian and Stewie walk to her to see what she was up to. Stewie looks at the paper and reads it.

"_Looking for story idea. Will pay $50. Ghastly Ghoul fans only_," said Stewie.

"What's this all about?" asked Brian.

"I thought about what Stewie said last night about stealing an idea," said Maddie, "Even though intellectually theft is beneath me, I'm not above buying an idea."

"You can't just buy an idea," said Brian, "That's lazy and ethically wrong."

"I'm desperate, okay?" said Maddie, "I haven't posted a new chapter in months and my readers are getting cranky!"

"Wouldn't it have just been easier to ask for an idea for free on an internet forum?" asked Stewie.

"I tried that," said Maddie, "But then it somehow escalated into a flame war about politics, black people, and bronies. Besides, this is much more productive."

"Where did you even get $50, anyways?" asked Stewie.

"I have my ways..." said Maddie sinisterly as she brandished a baseball bat.

**Flashback**

Maddie walks up to Peter with a baseball bat.

"Can I have 50 bucks?" asked Maddie, "I wanna buy an idea."

"Okay," said Peter as he handed her the money, "Now let's go play Baseball."

"And that's why I have the baseball bat," said Maddie to the reader, "Bet you thought I was gonna beat my grandpa and take his money with this. Nah, I'm not _that_ bad. Most of the time..."

**End Flashback**

A little later in the Griffin garage, there's a line of people outside presenting Maddie with ideas. Inside the garage, Maddie was sitting in a desk. Her first presenter is her cousin Tilly.

"Since Zombella is a girl genius, who better to ask than a girl genius?" suggested Tilly.

"Sounds reasonable," said Maddie, "Let's hear your idea."

"I've read your previous chapters of your story," said Tilly, "Although admirable and enjoyable, the episodic slice of life format is rather limited. Might I suggest a longer arching narrative?"

"But I like the story the way it is," said Maddie.

"It's good," said Tilly, "But I think you should do a retool. The Ghastly Ghoulz toys don't have much story to them so I was thinking that you could turn Zombella into the leader of a resistance group of monsters being hunted down and persecuted by humans who fear them."

"I'm not turning my story into a dark and edgy X-Men ripoff!" said Maddie, "We all saw how well that worked for the 80s turtles cartoon. What's next? A dark and edgy Batman ripoff?"

"Umm... No...?" lied Tilly as she hid a script titled _The Dead Knight_.

Next up was her best friend Olivia.

"How a chapter where Zombella's best friend, AmanDemon, confesses her love to her?" suggested Tilly, "Then they live happily ever after."

"But... they're both girls..." stated Maddie.

"Oh right! Ha ha!" Olivia chuckled nervously, "What was I thinking? Girls falling in love with girls..."

"Good one, Liv," laughed Maddie as she walked away, "Girls falling in love with girls... classic!"

"...What was I thinking?" asked Olivia sadly to herself.

It's Eliza's turn to pitch an idea to Maddie.

"Write a chapter about Yetina who is clearly better and more superior to Zombella!" demanded Eliza.

"Or how about I write a chapter about Zombella ripping the arm off that overrated white bigfoot wannabe and beat the hell out of her with it?" Maddie retorted.

Next up is Peter.

"Two words: Zombie hooker," said Peter, "Two more words: sex sells."

"Two more words: Get out!" said Maddie.

Next up is old man Herbert.

"It's a chapter about a young boy and an old man who get lost in the woods," said Herbert, "Then they find a sound proof cabin that's far away from civilization where there are no cops around."

"...Who keeps letting you in our house?" asked Maddie annoyed, "WHY HAS NOBODY ARRESTED YOU?!"

"Is your Uncle Chris home or not?" asked an annoyed Herbert.

"GET OUT!" shouted Maddie angrily, "EVERONE OUT!"

Everyone then grumbles and leaves.

"Could you leave a message for your Uncle Chris?" asked Herbert.

"I HAVE THE COPS ON SPEED DIAL!" shouted Maddie as she was holding a phone.

"Sheesh! I'm going!" said Herbert as he left.

"Wait, I thought he got killed off during that multiverse thing," said Tilly.

"That was a throwaway gag, unfortunately..." said Maddie.

That night in Meg's bedroom, Meg was in bed watching a TV that happened to be in her room.

"We now return to NCSI: Special Victim Criminal Mind Intent Cold Case Cyber Unit: Los Miamorleans," said the TV announcer.

**Cutaway to TV**

A cop enters the police station with a guy in handcuffs.

"We've captured the guy," said the cop, "But since we're only 15 minutes in the show, this guy is probably not the guy who did it, but I'm going to use borderline illegal interrogation methods on him anyway."

"And I'm gonna threaten to take your badge," said Da Chief, "But I never will because you're a damn good cop, dammit!"

A female cop then brings in another guy in handcuffs.

"We've got the real guy chief," said the lady cop.

"I am indeed the real guy," said the real guy, "But I'm rich so I'll hire the sleaziest lawyer money can buy and get off scot free."

Suddenly, a guy with a gun shows up.

"Not if I have anything to say about it," he says as he shoots the real guy dead, "I shot this man because he killed my mother. Now the same justice system that probably would not have convicted the evil rich rapist will successfully convict me. Oh the irony."

"Then we all question if this is all worth fighting for," said the first cop.

**End Cutaway**

"So how was your day?" asked Zack.

"The cool kids kept calling me Shamu and someone put a pig in my locker," said Meg, "It was a typically normal day."

"I see..." said Zack, "Meg, can I tell you something.

"Oh! I forgot to mention that Connie broke up with a guy," said Meg, "They say he walked in on her friend Lisa in her underwear."

"Um, really?" asked Zack nervously.

"I think Connie left him off easy," said Meg, "If he were my boyfriend I would've castrated him with a rusty pair of shears."

Zack then gulps as he sweats profoundly.

"But to be fair, he was a creep anyway," said Meg, "Anyway, what did you want to talk about?"

"...Have I told you how much I loved you?" asked Zack.

"Are you hiding something from me?" asked Meg.

"Now why would I hide anything from you?" asked Zack, "You know I love you enough to tell you everything."

"Well could you tell me why you're acting so weird?" asked Meg.

"Uh... Hey, let's have sex!" said Zack.

Zack and Meg then make out and proceed to do stuff that I shouldn't describe in a T rated fanfic. And when all is said and done, the two cuddle.

"Ahh, that was a good sex..." said Zack, "What did you think?"

Zack turns around and sees that Meg is suddenly replaced by Patty.

"So I take it that it was good for you as it was for me?" asked Patty.

Zack then bolts up in his bed next to a still sleeping naked Meg, gasping.

"Not again..." Zack groaned.

A few nights later at the Drunken Clam, Zack is talking with the guys.

"You look like death," said Joe.

Yeah, you look like Lindsay Lohan on a heroin bender," said Peter.

"I've been having trouble sleeping for the past few nights," said Zack.

"Can you care to tell us why?" asked Quagmire.

"Alright but you guys can't tell anyone," said Zack.

"You're secret is safe with us," said Peter, "Right guys."

Everyone nodded and agreed with each other.

"Okay, then," said Zack, "I've been having... erotic dreams about Patty."

"Who's Patty?" asked Peter.

"She's one of Meg's friends," said Zack..

"Meg has friends?" asked Peter shocked.

"You see them all the time!" said Zack as he was clearly getting annoying.

"Is Patty the goth one?" asked Peter.

"No, that's Raven," said Zack, "You already know who she is! You even wrestled her mom!"

"Is she the tall black one?" asked Peter.

"That's Roberta, you dumbass!" said Cleveland who was also getting annoyed.

"Her name's Roberta?" asked Peter, "All this time I've been calling her 'Black Meg'. Unrelated, I called this other girl I saw once 'Hippy Meg'. Still not sure why I did that..."

"No, Peter, Patty is the red haired one," said Quagmire, "She has two mothers, wears braces, has type O negative blood, her bra has a cute little bow and her panties..."

Everyone else just stares at Quagmire dumbfounded.

"Oh come on! You know what kind of guy I am!" said Quagmire.

"So you've traded one ugly nerd for another ugly nerd," said Peter, "Why don't you ever have fantasies about hot chicks like Connie?"

"I did last week," said Zack, "I dreamt I killed her with a wheat thresher and used her remains to grow watermelons, but that's besides the point... Can you guys help me figure out what this all means?"

"Perhaps your dreams stem from a psychological issue," said Cleveland.

"Oh that's easy: You want to have sex with your mom!" said Peter.

Everyone them spits out their beer except Quagmire.

"Peter, what the Hell?" asked Brian.

"I'm drinking here!" shouted Joe.

"What? It's basic psychology," said Peter.

"No, that's just half-assed Freudism," said Zack, "My mom's a dream interpreter. I'm just gonna go see her tomorrow and maybe she can tell me what it means."

"Okay, but don't tell her you want to have sex with her," said Peter, "Let her figure that out on her own."

"Will you stop saying I want to have sex with my mother?" asked Zack angrily, "Nobody here is thanking about having sex with my mother."

"Uh-" said Quagmire as he was about to raise his hand.

"Shut up!" snapped Zack.

Meanwhile back at the Griffin home, Brian and Stewie walk into the kitchen and sees Maddie messing around with a blender.

"What are you up to this time?" asked Brian.

"I'm gonna make some brain food," said Maddie, "And since I'm not allowed to use the stove, I'm going to be using this dangerously bladed electric blender to make a Brain Shake."

"And just what is this 'Brain Shake' supposed to accomplish?" asked Stewie.

"I'm gonna combine a bunch of different brain foods into one super brain food shake," said Maddie, "Once I drink it, I'll be able to think up anything. First I'll start with some walnuts, then some blueberries, some avocados for texture, a few eggs, some sardines, maybe a salmon, some apples, one whole garlic, an energy drink for alertness, some dark chocolate for flavor, and a few other assorted fruits from grandma Val's special garden."

She then turns on the blender and mixes all the food. The result is some weird, green-ish, smelly, thick, bubbly liquid. Brian and Stewie hold their noses in disgust.

"Oh God, that looks positively disgusting!" said Stewie in horror.

"You're not actually going to drink that gunk, are you?" asked Brian.

"It's like they say: nothing ventured, nothing gained," said Maddie uneasily as she takes another look at her drink, "On the other hand, it wouldn't hurt to use a guinea pig. UNCLE CHRIS!"

Chris runs into the kitchen.

"Yes?" asked Chris.

"Drink this," said Maddie.

"Oh boy! A random drink I know nothing about!" said Chris as he drank the whole thing.

The teenage boy then holds onto his stomach in pain, his eyes roll into the back of his head and he begins to foam at the mouth as he falls over.

"Hmm... maybe I put in too much avocado..." said Maddie.

"Maybe we should call an ambulance," said Stewie.

"What for?" asked Maddie, "This is the same guy who once ate a hamburger that was run over by a truck carrying leaking raw sewage without puking. He'll be fine."

"MY STOMACH IS ON FIRE!" screamed Chris as he held his stomach in pain.

"That's nothing a little Pepto-Bismal won't fix," said Maddie.

"I THINK I'M BLIND!" screamed Chris hysterically.

"I'm sure that's only temporary," said Maddie.

"reficuL liah llA! dlog yuB! margoloh a si esrevinu ehT !noisulli na si ytilaeR!" screamed Chris.

"Yeah, we better call an ambulance," said Maddie.

The next day at Valarie's house, Zack explains his dream problem to her.

"And I've been having these dreams every night since then," said Zack.

"I see," said Valarie, "I think I know why you're having these dreams."

"Why?" asked Zack.

"Your brain is punishing you for not telling Meg," said Valarie.

"What?" asked Zack.

"Either that or you have hidden feelings for Patty," said Valarie.

"That's impossible," said Zack, "She's one of Meg's friends so I see her as a sister. A weird looking sister but a sister nonetheless."

"So why haven't you told Meg this?" asked Valarie, "It's not like you to keep secrets from her."

"This is different," said Zack, "If I tell Meg I walked in on her friend getting undressed, she'll think I'm some creep who walks in on girls. And she'll start wondering if I find her attractive anymore and get all angsty and start crying. Then her family will blame me and kick me out. Then I'll be living in the streets eating out of trash cans until Patty finds me. Feeling partially responsible for what happened to me, she'll let me live with her. Then Meg runs into us in another compromising position and want a divorce due to a misunderstanding. Then Patty and I marry each other out of pity and I die a miserable man who never sees his family again..."

"...You do realize that's only a worse case scenario, right?" asked Valarie.

"Okay, she'll get mad and think I'm attracted to her friend," said Zack.

"You can do one of two things that can stop the nightmares," said Valarie, "You either tell Meg the truth or you can never ever sleep again."

"Well then I guess I know what I must do..." sighed Zack.

We then cut to the Quahog mini-mart.

"20 cases of Red Bull, please," said Zack to Carl.

The next night in Meg's bed, Meg was asleep and turned over to feel her lovers embrace... only to feel nothing. She opens her eyes and notices that Zack was not there. She gets up, puts on a robe, and walks out of her room and heads downstairs to find him. She smells something from the kitchen and heads there. Much to her surprise, she finds Zack and about 50 stacks of pizzas.

"Oh, hi Meg!" said Zack quickly as he was twitching.

"What are you doing up?" asked Meg.

"I couldn't sleep so I've been making new pizza recipes for the shop," said Zack, "I call this one tuna pineapple surprise. The surprise is that it's edible."

"You've been up all night making pizzas?" asked Meg.

"Uh huh!" nodded Zack, "I've also been cleaning the gutters, reorganizing the attic, alphabetizing our dvd collection, fixing the dryer, and made a small scale replica of Quahog."

"I was thinking that we could... you know... do it?" asked Meg seductively.

"I'd like to but I think this Red Bull's messing with my junk," said Zack.

"How many Red Bulls have you had?" asked Meg.

"I dunno," shrugged Zack, "A couple... dozen?"

"24 Red Bulls?" asked Meg in horror, "Are you insane?! You probably have enough energy to power a small third world country right now."

"Actually just the neighborhood," said Zack to as Meg stared at him in silence, "What? Tilly confirmed it."

"What's with all these weird hobbies all of a sudden?" asked Meg.

"What is this? 20 questions again?" snapped Zack, "What's so weird about a man having a hobby at 2 in the morning?"

"It's like you're keeping yourself from going to sleep," said Meg, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing is wrong," said Zack, "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go watch a scary movie with a bunch of jump scares."

A few days later, Meg was talking with her friends at lunch about Zack's recent behavior.

"Zack's been staying up every night for the past 4 nights," said Meg, "I'm worried about him."

"And he won't tell you why he's doing this?" asked Raven.

"No, and that's the most frustrating part!" said Meg, "What if he's doing this to avoid me? What if he doesn't find me attractive anymore?"

The girls just stare at Meg in silence.

"Really, girls?" asked Meg angrily, "No 'no, Meg, it can't be you'? No 'I'm sure he still finds you beautiful'?"

"Sorry, I'm still new at this 'being friends with ugly girls' thing," said Roberta before she was elbowed by Raven, "Sorry I meant 'girls who are severely less prettier than me'."

"Good. You're learning," said Raven.

"And we've been comforting you every time you angst," said Ruth.

"Which is a lot, by the way" said Raven, "In fact we assigned each other days for which one of us to comfort you when you get needy. In fact, it was supposed to be Patty's turn. Why didn't you say anything, Patty?"

"Oh, uh, it's definitely not because I'm hiding something!" said Patty nervously, "I'm not hiding anything! Who's hiding anything?"

Patty then goes into hysterical laughter.

"Oookay..." said Raven as she was clearly uncomfortable.

"Maybe he isn't going to bed because your sex life is boring," said Roberta, "Maybe you should add some excitement, girl!"

"Wait, shouldn't this be something you should talk about with your mom?" asked Raven.

"I don't like asking her for advice on sex," said Meg, "She can be really braggy, sometimes..."

"I wonder why Zack is keeping himself up?" asked Ruth

"Well, I think he might be staying awake because of trauma induced nightmares," said Raven, "Either that or he's constipated."

"Could something like, say, walking in on someone getting dressed cause this?" asked Patty.

"Only if he eats the dress," said Raven.

"No, I mean the nightmare thing," said Patty.

"Oh, that," said Raven in realization, "Yeah, that cause it."

"Meg, there's something you need to know," sighed Patty.

Patty whispers something into Meg's ears and her eyes widen in shock. Later that night in Meg's room, Zack was painting a few toy models of various citizens in Quahog when Meg walks into the room wearing a very skimpy looking nurse uniform.

"What's with the nurse uniform?" asked Zack.

"You like it?" asked Meg, "I borrowed it from Patty. You remember how she wore it on Halloween last year? I was thinking we could do a little role playing, tonight."

"Patty?" asked Zack, "Did you say it was Patty's Halloween costume?

"Yep. I was also thinking you could rub some chocolate on me," said Meg, "From this Peppermint Patty."

"Uh..."

"Then afterwards, we could have some hamburger patties."

"Guh..."

"Then we can play some pattycake."

"Wait, what?" asked Zack confused, "What's with all this Patty talk?"

"I don't know. You tell me," said Meg sternly as she threw the Peppermint Patty.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Lied Zack.

"Be that way," said Meg as she threw away the rest of Zack's Red Bull out the window, "Whoops."

"Hey!"

"Was that the rest of your Red Bull?" asked Meg, "Without that you'll be experiencing a caffeine crash soon. And that means you'll have to go to sleep. And that means you'll have dreams. Maybe dreams about a certain friend of mine? One with red hair, glasses and a slouching posture? Hmm?"

"Alright, fine!" said Zack in defeat, "During your sleepover, I accidentally walked in on your friend Patty getting undressed and I couldn't stop dreaming about her because of it! Are you happy?"

"Of course I'm not happy!" Meg snapped back, "You've been having sexy dreams about my friend!"

"This is exactly why I didn't want to tell you!" said Zack, "I knew you'd react this way!"

"And why not?" asked Meg, "Have you seen Patty in her underwear? She's hot!"

"Ha! Ho yay..." laughed Peter from his room.

"Be that as it may, I **don't** like her in that way!" said Zack.

"That's not even the worst part," said Meg, "The worst part is that you don't trust me enough to tell me the truth. All this time, you've been making me think that it was my fault for you staying awake."

Zack raises his finger to make a counter point but then stops and hangs his head in shame as he realizes she's right.

"All this time I was hiding what I did to keep it from hurting you," said Zack, "And I ended up hurting you anyway. I'm sorry, Meg. How will I make it up to you."

"You know what I want," said Meg.

"Make up sex?"

"Make up sex."

"Fair warning: If this is a dream, you might randomly turn into Patty," said Zack.

"That's okay," said Meg, "Sometimes you randomly turn into Kevin."

"Wait, what?"

"I said let's have sex!" said Meg quickly as they made out.

The next morning, everyone was sitting in the living room talking amongst themselves, except for Maddie who was typing on her laptop.

"So you're writing again?" asked Brian.

"I'm over my writer's block," said Maddie, "I decided to write about something from my real life experience."

"That's great," said Brian, "I'm really proud of you. So what's your next chapter about?"

"Zombella getting writer's block," said Maddie.

"Huh..." huffed Brian.

"What? You sound disappointed," said Maddie.

"I dunno. It just feels like a bit of a copout," said Brian, "I mean all that work yourself through trying to find an idea and you just go with a simple meta one."

"I know, right?" asked Maddie, "Sometimes the best solutions are right under your nose. Besides, everything worked out for everyone in the end."

"Chris is still in the hospital," said Brian.

"And he gets free Jello and sponge baths from a attractive nurses," said Stewie.

"Like I said, everybody wins," said Maddie.

"Yeah, that nurse was hot wasn't she?" asked Brian.

"She?" asked a very confused Stewie, "I'm not sure we're thinking of the same nurse."

"Yeah, definitely not," said Brian.

"So did you have another dream about Patty?" asked Meg.

"Nope! I dreamt about falling off a building naked and being late for an exam in a class that was being taught by Freddy Krueger, but no Patty," said Zack, "I'm finally cured."

"See? The truth really can set you free," said Meg.

"From now on, I'm going to be more honest with you," said Zack, "No more hiding secrets from you... you know, until the plot demands that I need to."

"Aww, isn't that sweet?" asked Lois, "I think we should be more honest with each other like them."

"You really want more honesty in our relationship?" asked Peter.

"Sure," said Lois, "Honesty is the backbone of a good relationship."

"Okay, Here's a list of all the things you do that annoy me," said Peter.

That night, Peter was sleeping on the couch with a black eye.

"Honesty is overrated..." grumbled Peter.

**End Chapter**

**(Author's Notes: This chapter too longer than it should've. Besides real life getting in the way and writer's block, I was mostly stuck trying to come up with cutaways, flashbacks, and Family Guy style humor. It really sucks when you think of a good flashback and realize that you already did it... Also, Maddie's subplot was going to much more than just small filler as it was going to involve Maddie getting cyberbullied by a troll but I thought it was too dark(there was to be a scene where Maddie was conteplating on committing suicide). Anyway, this might be the last chapter in a while depending on if my internet gets cut off or not. Later.)**


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